FTA

The apartment and I are battling it out. I'm not sure which one of us is going to win. While I actually have the energy to clean, I'm feeling a bit intimated. The good thing is that I haven't let the laundry just sit. I wonder if the neighbors are tired of my washing vibrating the house on spin cycle.

It is so good to be home. My own bed -- which will have clean sheets on it soon -- felt so good. Sleeping on the couch at my parents' was definitely getting old. Mom and Dad's place might be comfortable and familiar, but this place is mine.

Now if only I had a Wolf to go along with it...

Soon. As soon as the Army tells me I can have him back.

wishing for the emails to stop

This email rubbed me the wrong way today:

Alcon,

You have been identified as having Reserve obligation left on your
enlistment contract. If you are interested in returning to an Army
Reserve unit, I can assist you with that. There is a lot of Benefits
and Incentives for you to return to the Army Reserves.

By the way, this isn't the only email I've received on this topic.

I was declared unfit for duty. I was separated from the Army and put on temporary disability retirement. And yet I'm getting contacted about coming back into the Army because they think I'm in the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR). Does the right hand not know what the left hand is doing?

To get off of the list of those in IRR I need to contact the Human Resource Command (HRC) and provide a copy of my DD214. Once upon a time I had access to one of the internal, secure websites the HRC uses for personnel information. I know I'm in that system. But I also know that system doesn't properly reflect those that are in the National Guard or the Active Duty components. And, to be fair, the end of my "active" status where I went to drill was the same month of my retirement. So , yes, it's quite possible that there's a disconnect between systems. That doesn't change the fact that it's annoying.

I am not fit for duty. I am not interested in trying to get back in. I am done. D-O-N-E. Done.

Is it too much to ask for the emails to stop?

tied together

Wolf is away for training, and I'm missing him.  It's not like a normal workday -- I can't call whenever and calls from him have been late at night.  He's not coming home every night.  The apartment just feels.... empty.

His deployment is going to be tough.

Red gets it

A few days ago I had a two hour long phone conversation with Red.  This is what happens when we don't keep in touch.  Which seems strange, since we were nearly inseperable at Walter Reed.  But, I am glad that despite all of the craziness that we've maintained our friendship -- he's the only one I feel totally comfortable talking about PTSD-related issues and know that he really does understand.

We're both on medication and although at seperate points didn't want anything to do with drugs, neither one of us will tolerate someone saying that we'd be better off without the drugs or that our medication just doesn't work.  Neither one of us is employed and we're living on a fixed retirement income.  (It's still strange to think of myself as retired.)  We struggle going out into public and would rather stay in our safe zones.  We are prone to doing strange or "abnormal" things when we're stressed.

And while it sounds terrible, neither one of us feels like we have a purpose.

Red's sense of purpose came from the Army.  Mine was from goals that I don't believe are possible to achieve now.

Our friends and families don't understand.  Our therapists try their hardest to convince us to think otherwise.  They don't get it.

Red does, and I'm grateful for that.

such is life

Wolf is leaving much earlier for his training than we expected. Brownies are sitting on the stove, waiting for him to come home for the precious few hours before his very long plane ride. He's going to be gone for awhile.

You'd think that I would be used to this by now. My training, my deployment, Driver's long days on the road, Wolf's departure from the sandbox, Walter Reed, Wolf's long hours at work. The dogs keep me company and I have friends nearby, but it's not the same. He'll be gone. I'll be here at the apartment alone or with my parents. Contact, as usual during field training, will be extremely limited. I can't just pick up the phone and call him. We have no control over the situation be it departures or arrivals, orders coming down, messed-up paperwork, training, or even work that had to be completely done yesterday.

I might have married him, but the Army had him first.

he won't win

I would like to take this time to remind you that giant squids are going to take over the world and that prescription medications don't work after three months.

You can thank my brother-in-law for those. Granted, I blew those statements even more out of proportion than he did, but you get the idea.

Stoner stirred up some drama during our little vacation that ruffled just about everyone's feathers. Everything from lying to Wolf about a supposedly overheard phone conversation where I said I didn't want to be there to telling everyone who would listen that I was a manipulative bitch. If he was trying to get the family to dislike me it was too little, too late. The ones that matter already knew me at that point and I'm pretty sure I left a positive impression on those that I hadn't met yet. I am new, Wolf and I suit each other well, and I have actually lived a life that didn't involve sex, drugs and rock 'n roll -- therefore I am an evil manipulative know-it-all bitch who is a bad person that no one should associate with. Welcome to the family.

Part of me is upset because I have this urge to please everyone even when I know it's not possible. And getting along with Stoner is going to be one of those things that is just not going to happen. I don't put up with myths and lies about antidepressants. Sorry, after being on them for more than a year and doing my own share of research, I'm not going to sit there and listen to someone tell me that my drugs don't work. Not to mention that I have the habit of calling bullshit when something just sounds absolutely ridiculous. My mouth gets me in trouble -- I know this. Let him call me names and hate me. I'm going to do my very best to not care.

I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful dogs, stories about foreign countries, an education and a loving family. And I'm not going to let him win by making me upset.

home for the holidays

I must still be jet lagged.  Rolling out of bed at six o'clock when your body thinks that it's eight o'clock is not much fun.

Wolf, Tink and I flew to Colorado for the holidays.  That was Wolf's big Christmas present: plane tickets home.  And, home we are, despite cancelled flights, flying on standby, lost luggage and a very long car ride from the airport.  I don't think I've ever used the phrase "thank you so much" as many times as I did in a twenty-four hour period -- for everything from putting us on standby, getting us on a flight, switching seats, getting us a hotel room, and assisting us with our wayward bag.  Much better than being rude with airport personnel who are already overburdened with the mess of displaced people who are everywhere but where they should be.

But, all is well.  We're here, and everyone important is happy to have us here.  I might not be at my home for the holidays, there might be tons of family drama and people to meet, but this is definitely much better than spending it in the sandbox.

Thanksgiving

Home again. This time it was for a second Thanksgiving meal. I didn't think I would come, especially without Wolf with me. But, I got on the train all by myself. No husband, no friend, no dog. And I did just fine.

On our way to the train station, Wolf asked me what I was thankful for. Honestly, I didn't give him much of an answer because I really didn't want to talk about it. Yes, I know how strange (or stupid) that sounds.

Here's the list:

• Wolf, for sticking around through the bad days and dragging me out to do the things I really don't want to do.
• My parents, for patiently dealing with relatives that just don't get it.
• My friends, for dragging me back into socializing, be it through outings, phone calls, or emails.
• My guild, for being so understanding and easy to talk to.
• My dogs, for being my constant daytime companions -- not to mention the cuddles, kisses, and invitations to play.
• My medication, because better living through chemistry is a wonderful thing.

Honestly, I should add the blog to the list... but I need to actually, you know, write. Maybe it'll help me connect the dots better.

Going Home

I am taking the train home tonight with mixed feelings.

The man I used to work for at the planetarium passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. His heart just stopped. Twenty minutes later they got it working again and while his body was living, he was long gone.

He and the planetarium were some of the things that kept me going while I was deployed and again while I was at Walter Reed. During the deployment I would call about once a week and he would tell me everything that was going on. Even though he was very much against OIF/OEF and would go protest downtown every week, he was very supportive of the actual Soldiers. He always told me how proud of me he was.

Although he was married, he and his wife never had any children. But, as I once told him, we were his kids -- the planetarium techs, the students he tutored, and many more, I'm sure.

I'm not going to lie -- there were some things that I stumbled across or happened that made me feel rather anxious about being around him. Go ahead and call me paranoid, but I'll just blame the PTSD. The last time I really spent time with him was New Year's Eve. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

But I can tell you that no matter how much my feelings are mixed, I am going to miss him very much.