such is life

Wolf is leaving much earlier for his training than we expected. Brownies are sitting on the stove, waiting for him to come home for the precious few hours before his very long plane ride. He's going to be gone for awhile.

You'd think that I would be used to this by now. My training, my deployment, Driver's long days on the road, Wolf's departure from the sandbox, Walter Reed, Wolf's long hours at work. The dogs keep me company and I have friends nearby, but it's not the same. He'll be gone. I'll be here at the apartment alone or with my parents. Contact, as usual during field training, will be extremely limited. I can't just pick up the phone and call him. We have no control over the situation be it departures or arrivals, orders coming down, messed-up paperwork, training, or even work that had to be completely done yesterday.

I might have married him, but the Army had him first.

a different leap

Yes, I'm getting married. Yes, I'm getting married to Wolf, who has been my closest confidant since all of the craziness started. Yes, the wedding is in a few months. No, sorry, you're not invited.

He proposed shortly after Valentine's Day. It was actually something we had talked about, but neither of us thought it would happen so fast so soon. In a way, it almost has to be. Wolf is deploying again in the not so distant future, and actually living together beforehand is something we both think would be beneficial.

Only now everyone's obsessing about where I'm going to live during the deployment. Which, for now, is overshadowed by the obsessing over the wedding.

But, it's still a *little* scary. Moving away from home is not all that appealing right now.

I don't think it will ever be.

(Have I mentioned how much I hate snow?)

on making the leap

leap

v. leaped or leapt, leap·ing, leaps

v.intr.

1. To spring or bound upward from or as if from the ground; jump: leaped over the wall; salmon leaping upriver.

2. a. To move quickly or abruptly from one condition or subject to another: always leaping to conclusions. b. To act impulsively: leaped at the opportunity to travel.

v.tr.

1. To jump over: couldn't leap the brook.

2. To cause to leap: leap a horse over a hurdle.

n.

1. a. The act of leaping; a jump. b. A place jumped over or from. c. The distance cleared in a leap.

2. An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition: a leap from rags to riches.

An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition. Is that the best way to describe my leap? Or was it a purely impulsive act that I made late one night, hitting reply to the fateful email as fast as I could? Can I even separate the two?

The world I live in now is drastically different from the one I left behind. My life is, too. There is no way I can go back to the States and pretend that nothing is different, that nothing has changed. And I'm okay with that.

These days I don't think much about that email asking for volunteers. Months ago, I was still struggling with the decision I made. And I did have a choice. I could have gone to Brazil on the month-long trip I had planned, followed by a summer of Army training, flying with Bossman and a trip to a workshop for my civilian job. Instead, I hit reply. I put my name on that list, and I made the cut. That involved finishing my finals early so I could go to reclassification school. There was no Brazil trip. There wasn't much flying. There was no workshop. And the Army training that had been planned was definitely not a two week stint. I made a choice between two planes, and I picked the one that took me to the desert rather than a sleepy Brazilian town.

My decision was met with a wide variety of reactions. MeuExAmor swung between very upset, pseudo-supportive, and outright hurtful. Many were shocked. My mother was in tears at one point, while my dad was doing all of the research he could. I found more support than I thought I would, and I found it in people that I wouldn't have expected. The hardest was not getting it from those whom I cared about deeply. But, I'm past that now.

I could always think of this as bounding upwards. Money in the bank, debt paid off, increased benefits... and all of the mushy stuff, which I won't delve into here.

I don't regret hitting reply, no matter how tough things get.

signs of the time

The leaves are starting to change, but everything is still very green. Just another sign of the times. It has taken an entire season to get ready to deploy.

I walked into the servicemember's lounge where one of the women greeted me with "weren't you just here a month ago?" A little more than that, yes, but I was there earlier this season.

It just feels weird walking away from everything -- again -- only to realize that I'm not coming back this way for a long, long time.

A lot changes in a year, and that's quite a sobering thought.

so distant

I spent the day at the office hanging out with the guys. We were going to skip out on work to fly, but the ceiling (cloud cover) was so low that a day of gliding wasn't really worth it. So it was back to the office we go. Radio broadcast of a big game, with Secretary both cheering and booing to it. Walking around the halls in a lab coat with my jeans pulled up to my knees. Helping random visitors as if I was being paid to do it. Peeling tape and discussing painting techniques for flat walls versus planetarium domes. EngineeringGeek and PhysicsGeek get to go with Bossman to paint a dome. Just like they've already submitted their reservations for the Grand Re-Opening. Already I feel so distant from their world.

Luciana vai pra guerra
Aprender a matar e morrer
Que morra e que viva
Sentindo a saliva fugindo da boca

"Hey Techno, what branch are you in?"
"Army Guard."
"Did you ever think that you would be deployed?"
"Not until I volunteered."
"I didn't know that you volunteered."
"Yeah, I did."

Luciana vai pra guerra
Em tudo que vejo eu atiro
E é o alvo que brilha e se move na mira
O alvo é tudo que respira

"I still really admire you."

Luciana vai pra guerra
Mesmo que a terra nos coma vivos
Mesmo que a coragem de vinte fuzis
Me trouxe medalhas e uma cicatriz

"You just looked so sad."
"I'm just really tired. I was up late last night, the night before I left I was up late packing, and I've had long days all week. It adds up after awhile."
"Alright, but if you get really bored, call me."
"Will do."

Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana!

I cried as soon as I got in the car. So tired of crying. I didn't really want to say goodbye. I really don't want to leave. Why am I leaving? I love that part of my life. I love being in the planetarium, I love hanging around campus, and I love spending time with the guys. When I come back, both Geeks will have graduated or be close to graduation. Just two more things that I'll miss.

Why am I leaving? Why did I volunteer?

Luciana vai pra guerra
Em tudo que vejo eu atiro
E é o alvo que brilha e se move na mira
O alvo é tudo que respira

It's so hard to realize that I have so little time, and so much to do.

It's harder to understand why I want to stay and why I want to go.

It's days like this that I still ask myself if I picked the right plane.

Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?

("Luciana vai pra guerra" - Vento Motivo)

one day

Little boys, water slides, light reflected off of the water.

They don't understand. They can't understand.

And I'm not even going to bother explaining it to them.

One day they'll get it.

so strange

So strange, to be in the front of a room for a deployment ceremony rather than being in the back playing music to be ignored by.

Still doesn't feel real.

me? leaving? psssh...

So, tomorrow I leave again for the Big City, but this time I'll be with my unit pretty much from then until I get back from deployment. With the exception of a few leaves, of course.

I haven't done anything to get ready to leave. My room is a mess, I'm not packed, and I definitely don't have a uniform ready for formation.

It just doesn't seem real. I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen, and I don't think I can believe it. It's a bit of a difficult thing to grasp -- going away for such a long time and knowing that I'm not going home until it's all said and done with.

It'll be okay. In the meantime, I really need to get packing.

it's just life

I stayed an extra day in the Big City, mainly just to spend time with Aunt and my cousins. Now We're (the royal, familial We) is thinking of crashing at Aunt's house again next week. Aunt, Uncle, the four boys, Mom, Dad, Fuzz, Gram, and myself.

Really, I'd rather them not come. I want to just leave. I'm not even leaving for real. Just, training.

I'm seriously considering not coming home for leave. I can't deal with this. They're making a big deal out of everything, and people are going to cry, and I just don't want to deal with it.

I'm tired of dealing with MeuAmor's quiet sadness, the parties, the fuss, the questions. Tired of it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to leave in peace and no one is letting me have that.

I'm not a hero, and this is not hero-worthy material, and this is nothing to be proud about.

This is life.

packing

I should be packing. Tomorrow I leave for the Big City to do my showdown, so they can collect my duffle and put it in storage. Thrilling.

I don't know. It doesn't feel real yet. When will it?

still alive, still doing the civilian thing, still in the States

No, I haven't died. However, I have gone through all of my old posts and removed "real names" to protect the Not So Innocent. It's also a protective measure for myself as well. Just In Case someone decides to do Something Stupid and I get in trouble for a security breach.

Meanwhile, I'm in Nashville with my parents, mooching off of them for awhile. It's more like a weeklong vacation where I get to tag along. Only we're on motorcycles. And we're with a bunch of crazy motorcycle people.

We start for home on Friday, but we won't get there until Sunday night. Monday morning is my doctor's appointment, where I get to plead my case for topical pain relievers. Wish me luck, because I might go crazy without them.

Just a few more weeks. Kind of hard to believe, isn't it? Seems like it's taking forever.

two thirds, at least

SRP? Check. Reclass school? Check. Mobilization? I'll get through it.

I'm mostly there. It could be worse.

It's just the anticipation messing with my head.

surreal

It feels so weird to know that I'll be leaving soon, and not be coming back for a long, long time.

Anyways... my little cousins got their postcards that I sent the day before I left. The oldest, Cousin 1, sat down and read all of the postcards to his brothers. He's about six or seven, I think. Cousin 3 carried his around all night. My uncle said they all thought it was the coolest thing ever. I miss them like crazy. I think that I'll take a trip just to see them soon.

Mom said that we should make sure that they get my address when I go over. I'm hoping that they'll send me crayon drawings and silly kid letters.

Effers!

If you were going to be away from your home, your friends, your civilian job, and your family, wouldn't you want to try to spend as much time at home with them as you could?

Do you see any problem with that?

Most people wouldn't.

However.... my unit -- my home unit -- is telling me that I have to go on AT with them. Even though I won't be attached to them much longer. I swore that my new unit -- the one I'm deploying with -- told me that I didn't have to do AT with the band, and that I was "invited" to go on AT.

I just want to spend time with my family and get my affairs together.

Three weeks isn't enough.

life and deployment

Fifi, LittleBit and I were supposed to go riding today. However, Fifi apparently has sunburn in a rather uncomfortable place and spending the day in a saddle would not be so much of a good idea. So, I plan on rotting my brain out in front of the computer and perhaps spend some time reading my new books. I've also considered buying some postcards and sending them home to my baby cousins. It will be a relaxing day, regardless.

Last night, LittleBit and I were talking about the deployment. She said that when she got the email that it just clicked -- this is what she was supposed to do, this was her purpose.

Meanwhile, tears are streaming down my cheeks because I want more time with my family, my friends before going away for a very long time.

That's the difference between me and her. LittleBit has no one -- she's not close with her family, she doesn't have a significant other, she has no children, not many close friends. I'm extremely close to my family, and not just my immediate family. My baby cousins, my aunts and uncles, my cousin that's already over there in Iraq, MeuAmor's family in Brazil... the list just goes on.

And the Army tells me that I'll only have three weeks to spend with them before I mobilize.

gee, I stand out

As if the camo wasn't painfully obvious (and did no good getting me through security any faster), people really enjoy staring when I talk on my cell phone in Portuguese. Sometimes I think that gets more attention than the uniform wearing.

Anyways, at the airport, too tired to do schoolwork, but must stay awake for boarding.

I don't think there's enough coffee in the world to keep me awake right now.

ready, steady, go

Bags are packed, finals are finished, and the only thing I'm waiting on now is a ride to the airport.

Also, the Army does not know how to spell my legal name.

Shame on them.

between the two of us

A classmate of mine is going off to "school" the same time I am -- this weekend. Today, he took all of his finals. He's all set, except he hasn't packed.

Now, me on the other hand? Completely packed. But taking the finals, one by one.

He joked that between the two of us, we have a complete deployment all ready to go.

The civilian side of life

I should be studying right now, cramming for the first of many finals this week. But I want to take the time to relax, to collect myself, to get motivated.

Also, I want to remember life here. The civilian side of my life. The life that I'm leaving behind for a little while. I want to remember laying on the campus green and staring up at trees in full bloom whose branches criss-cross a blue sky. I want to remember the sound of various languages all jiving together in the language building. I want to remember all of the craziness that is the trademark of my deptment head/professor. I want to remember the delicate lilt that my French prof has in his voice when he reads a text. I want to remember zooming by on the back of a motorcycle. I want to remember the messy office that never seems to stay clean for long.

And that's not even a fraction of it all. I don't think I'll ever be able to put it all into words.

I'll miss them, that's for sure.