Going Home

I am taking the train home tonight with mixed feelings.

The man I used to work for at the planetarium passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. His heart just stopped. Twenty minutes later they got it working again and while his body was living, he was long gone.

He and the planetarium were some of the things that kept me going while I was deployed and again while I was at Walter Reed. During the deployment I would call about once a week and he would tell me everything that was going on. Even though he was very much against OIF/OEF and would go protest downtown every week, he was very supportive of the actual Soldiers. He always told me how proud of me he was.

Although he was married, he and his wife never had any children. But, as I once told him, we were his kids -- the planetarium techs, the students he tutored, and many more, I'm sure.

I'm not going to lie -- there were some things that I stumbled across or happened that made me feel rather anxious about being around him. Go ahead and call me paranoid, but I'll just blame the PTSD. The last time I really spent time with him was New Year's Eve. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

But I can tell you that no matter how much my feelings are mixed, I am going to miss him very much.

since when is MySpace a dating site?

Okay, I understand the "new" Army OPSEC policy for bloggers. I know what I can and can't take photos of, and I know what I have to Photoshop out of the photos that I want to share with the world. Got it, tracking, good to go.

But, blocking MySpace? And Facebook? Shame on you, Mother Army. For the record, they are not dating sites, but rather, networking sites. Most of us use MySpace or Facebook to communicate with those in the rear. I understand blocking them on work-related computers, as it's easy to waste hours on either website. That's not exactly productive. But off-duty hours and locations, there shouldn't be a problem. I haven't made it to one of the labs to see if they really are blocked there.

This is a stark reminder that the Army is so out of touch with Web 2.0 and its own web-savvy Soldiers.

Don't lock us down -- use us to your advantage.

Edit: Yes, those selected sites were already blocked on duty computers -- as they should be -- and the Stars and Stripes reported recently (today? yesterday?) that MySpace and such are accessible from certain MWR facilities. There have been periods here where MySpace was blocked at least two free labs on my post, and Soldiers had to go to the commercial internet cafe and pay $5 an hour for internet. That was lifted, but I don't know if it's back in place again as I mostly use commercial internet during off-duty hours. Will have to check that out.

To rot your brain

Oh, I love broadband that isn't filtered or censored. Internet videos and cartoons, how I missed you so.

From my favorite Brit animators: Cucumbers and Pandas has fulfilled my panda-obsession as of late, Mango has been the WTF vid, Death Kitty and the Fat Man have made go "aww", and Kenya and Badgers are still my all-time favorites.

My favorite squirrel and his human describe a fortune cookie much better than I can. Yes, I spent $25 to send fortune cookies here. Why? They're American. Seriously, go Google it.

From Fuzz: Charlie and Candy Mountain. I'm still not sure if it was distrubing or funny. Maybe both. Poor, poor Charlie.

Anyways... enjoy the fluff. There might be pictures later, there might not be. I have a book that's calling my name.

workshop visit

Today, in a few hours, I have an appointment with the wonderful people at Hong Kong Space Museum to get a behind-the-scenes look of their planetarium.

Yes, I am a total geek.

group effort

Tonight is the big lunar eclipse that the guys from Circle and I have been waiting for patiently for weeks. The dust storm finally cleared up just in time, and hopefully with the proper settings, I should come back with some nice photos. Unfortunately, it doesn't start until after eleven o'clock here and won't end until o'dark thirty in the morning. We'll be up all night.

Meanwhile, Wolf is getting ready to return to the States. His room is nearly bare. He's moping around when he thinks that no one is looking. When I asked him about it, Wolf just said that he hates leaving friends behind. He will be missed, whether or not he realizes it.

Before Wolf leaves country, Driver, Wolf and I have all discussed going to Mental Health to see my doc as a group. While Driver was on the road, Wolf saw all of the ups and downs. And when I'm feeling up, I either forget or glaze over the downs. I think part of me is afraid that I won't get the help I need because I'm not presenting a full picture of myself to the doc. I lied to her, I lied to Driver, and I tried hiding it from Wolf. I am only hurting myself.

getting help

Earlier this week I had my check-up with the new Mental Health doc. I don't think she was expecting to see a patient that was quite perky and full of energy. We talked about a few things, including what I came in for and a few things that had gone on earlier in the year. I told her what I planned to do, what I've been doing, and what I'm going to do. As far as medication is concerned, the only thing we're doing is changing my birth control pills.

I have a funny feeling that having a day off and away from camp helped, as well as meditation at Circle, and basically never letting myself be alone. While Driver is out doing his job, some of the guys from Circle are keeping an eye on me. Which, really, is nothing more than hanging out in Wolf's room playing around on computers. The other night I participated in my first LAN party in months -- just another one of those things that I miss from home and I didn't think I'd be able to do out here.

There are some things that I have to take care of that should help the whole situation. I don't want to write about it because I haven't actually done anything but talk about it. It's not a pleasant situation.

But, I am doing better. It's taken many visits to the Troop Medical Clinic, surrounding myself with friends, and letting myself get the help I need rather than sweeping it all under the rug.

exile

They exiled me, where I'm working like a dog on various Spreadsheets of Doom and generally hating whomever thought that simplifying names of things would simplify the lives of anyone and everyone who deals with supply. You can feel the love, can't you? I'm supposed to be back to my regular job in a little more than a week.

Mother Army and Home

Mother Army decided that I needed to get my typhoid vaccination, which I technically wasn't due for another few months. Whatever -- it's a free typhoid shot on the Army, no matter how much it sucks. (Dear Right Arm, please stop hurting.) And I won't have to worry about getting one before I go to Brazil again.

We're starting to get into specialized classes, and since I'm not registered in any, I get to sit around the barracks and do a whole lot of nothing. I would do laundry, but I did mine yesterday. I would go to the PX, but I did that yesterday. I want to go to the gym or to the library, but no one wants to go with me. So going out isn't much of an option.

Such is life. I'll probably read, write, and play video games. Like normal. Too bad that there isn't any internet in the barracks.

*****

Now that I know that I have on-site service for my laptop, a whole laundry list of things that need to be done are coming to mind. Poor lappy sometimes does this whirl-click thing, and I'm not sure if it's the fan, the DVD drive or the hard drive. I'm also not too sure if it's done it since I had the motherboard replaced. I need rubber footies. There's a weird random warning message when I boot up, and I don't know if it's just because I'm not plugged into a network. (And I have no way of testing this theory, either.)

I'm really hoping that my hard drive is NOT failing. Yeah, I can back up my data, but I'm not sure if I have backups of some of my favorite programs.

And that whole not having unlimited access to broadband internet or to Fuzz is really putting a cramp in my style.

*****

I called Dragonette this morning, hoping to catch her after her dinner. That's probably the only good thing about having to wake up so early -- I can call Dragonette at a decent hour.

I don't even remember what I wanted anymore. Probably just girltalk.

However, I do find it amusing that no matter what language the "leave a message after the tone" recording is, there's always a tone, and you always know to leave a message.

*****

MeuAmor and I talked last night about me possibly spending the holidays in Brazil after my deployment. He's still upset about some stupid shit that I've said and done, and has remained completely neutral on the subject. No, not neutral. More like apathetic. He said that he didn't want to get worked up about something that may or may not happen.

The problem isn't that I'm going to Brazil after my deployment -- I am. I'm going to go visit Amiga in Curitiba, I'm thinking about going to Rio de Janeiro, and I'm planning on spending quite some time with MeuAmor and his family. I just don't know if it's a really good idea to spend not one, but two years worth of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years away from my family. Not just my parents but my aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. Yeah, there is a time in everyone's life where they grow up and do stuff, but I know that my mom will be fairly resistant to the idea. And I might actually want to be home.

MeuAmor doesn't get it. And that's okay.

written on 10 August 2006

Hipster is over again, visiting EnglishProf. He's much better at cheering her up than I am. But apparently I'm more convincing to the chow hall staff when we ask for a hot plate to bring back to her. There are just too many steps on this post.

Tomorrow is our first day in the FOB. We're only going for training, but later this week we'll be out in the field full-time for awhile. Don't expect any updates for a long time. I still haven't decided if I'm going to take my laptop -- it's heavy, it needs charged often, and we're not supposed to have a lot of free time. And really, we'll be in field conditions. I'd rather keep all of the gunk out of my laptop. We'll see.

I'm really not sure how I feel about all the time that we're supposed to be out in the FOB. A lot of this training won't apply to what we'll be doing in country, and none of the culture training is geared to what we need. And the living/chow conditions definitely won't apply. Please, just teach me how to do my job. My job does not involve hand grenades -- please show me the paperwork and regulations that I need to familiarize myself with. And pass the lobster, please.

*****

Chica brought her camera and thumbdrive down so I could transfer pictures for her. We discovered some of the reclass school pictures, but what looks like those from Memorial Day and after. Twig and Pablo, the admin girls out at the club, the cookout, and Jazzman's birthday cake.
There are times when I kick myself for complaining about school.

*****

Fifi is getting ready to move out. I thought she was gone already, but I got lucky with my email. Her daughter -- the pregnant one -- is upset with her, saying that she was a bad mom and that she was never there for her and blablablah which, understandably, has made Fifi really upset. I hear it in her voice every time I call. It's been the same tone since we all left school.
I worry about her. I miss her.

*****

There's a concert in the process that we're not allowed to go to or even be seen around. We can't even look at that part of post. Something about not wanting to give a bad impression. Which is good in a way, because we had to be back at the barracks way earlier than normal and stay here for the rest of the night. It could be worse. Another early night for another early morning. If I can sleep through the freakin' bass drum. I may have to close some windows.

There's another this weekend. I mean, I know the base needs money, but having concerts at a training installation where the soldiers themselves are not allowed to go to the concerts and where their sleep is disrupted by the noise is a little annoying.

I think I may be taking pictures and otherwise documenting this stuff, because this place is seriously ate up. Where is all of the money going? Why are there soldiers sleeping in asbestous-filled barracks from World War 2?

*****

My pain management plan hasn't been working out well. I'm eating foods that I know that I shouldn't be eating, I'm wearing my patches during the day (rather than at night), and I am really struggling to keep my stress level down. Probably because I'm not sure if it's physical or mental stress. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

It's still managable, but sometimes I wonder if I'll still be able to keep it all under control.
But at least the Chaplain told me that I'm perfectly normal.

*****

My cousins sent me some mail -- the envelope was covered in stickers from the movie Cars. I officially have my first little kid scribble drawing. Too bad that I don't have a place to hang it up. The eldest wrote, asking if I'm having fun and what am I learning and stuff like that. Now the challange is to think about what I've actually learned (what have I learned, again?) and put it into terms that he can understand. Without using scary words like war or death.

But still! Little kid scribbles!!

a lua me chama -- August 4

"A lua me chama, chama..."

I looked up at the stars last night and immediately picked out the Big Dipper, or rather, Ursa Major in the sky between barracks. I was surprised at how big it was, and realized that this was a sign that I had seen it one too many times on the dome at work if I really thought it was a small constellation. My summer night sky constellation finding-skills suck, and I don't have my constellation book with me.

I've also been watching the moon go through it's phases, noting both it's position in the sky and the position of the sun in respect to the moon. I should be logging this stuff somewhere, but I'm trying to figure it out in my head in the meantime. Did you know that the only way that the Earth goes through phases when viewed from the moon was if you were to actually get up and move? Yeah, I thought it was pretty interesting too.

Too bad that the base I'll be on will probably have light pollution problems. Otherwise it'd be an awesome sky to look up at.

*****

Written by MeuAmor roughly a year ago:

Oi amor, estou escrevendo isto aqui pra você para lhe dizer que sinto muito sua falta quando você não está, sinto muito sua falta quando eu tenho aquelas noites em que estamos pensando um no outro e não estamos perto... Você sabe, eu estou pensando muito em você mas isto não tem como ficar melhor, você e tudo de bom que um homem poderia querer, então não se esqueca nunca que eu te amo muito e que eu nunca vou te deixar sozinha, não importa o problema que você tenha!! I love you baby!!!! *smwah*

*****

I don't know. I think I need more sleep.

quick update

I totally made the First Sergeant's computer my bitch and am in the process of making a database to make everyone's lives much easier. We were inputting soldier data in Excel, but each soldier was saved as a seperate Excel file. Seriously, I was inputting in Excel like a good (dumb) soldier and was just shuddering. It took me about an hour to set up the database without sketching it out beforehand.

Afterwards, the First Sergeant let me know through the wonderful chain of command that he wants me to show him how to use it. So I scored brownie points, majorly.

*****

Sweetheart emailed. He's alright, just super busy. Which I can definitely understand. Just worry when I don't hear from him for days on end and then hear about an attack on his group.

This will be a part of life for awhile.

*****

It's been a year since I've seen MeuAmor and his family. It feels so much more longer than that.
Can I get on the plane to Hong Kong now?

oops -- LIVE

"Hey Techno, watch out for that ditch!!"

Yeah.... I got so excited that the Dell guy was here to replace my motherboard that I tripped crossing a ditch that I probably cross twenty times a day, sending my Kelvar helmet rolling across the road and putting me about eye level with a government van that was probably not even 100 meters down the road. Talk about scary.

The good part is that I only scraped up my knee and thumb. Nothing else was broken or torn. Yay me!

The bad part is that I will forever be teased. FOREVER.

On the other hand, when I did battle drills today, I hit the ground so hard that both my helmet and glasses fell off. But at least I didn't hurt myself.

And just in case you were wondering, yes, my laptop is all happy now. We're going to celebrate by playing WarCraft, naturally.

*****

Smallpox bandage got changed and it's a big white blister that I really want to pop. It itches like crazy -- probably just as bad as my shingles itched. And that was not pleasant at all. At least this is only on my arm.

We're supposed to change the bandage everyday, and throw the used bandaids in a biohazard bag. Highly contagious stuff. Kinda gross and scary. And we're all living in close quarters... and the Army is all like "eh, whatever!"

Uhh... Okay then. Good thing the Army is not supposed to make sense.

*****

Some serious shit happened to the artillary boys. I don't know if Sweetheart was affected, he hasn't emailed. Twig mentioned it either this morning or last night, I can't remember. Just hope that each and every one of them is okay.

The news is hard to watch when you know someone that goes in and out of the wire everyday. He says it's his job, to not worry, but, I do.

quick update -- LIVE!

Survived the roadmarch only to have problems in class. Talk about sucktastic. If I wasn't really a heat casualty before this place, I definitely would consider myself one now.

*****

So, open mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. The money the MeuAmor got from selling/trading computer parts went to pay for part of his dad's doctor bills. Which he didn't get a chance to tell me because I just went off on him. Oops.

*****

Fuzz failed his GED. He sounded sad about it on the phone. Another 90 days, another test. He's supposed to be studying math in the meantime. I really want him to get this done and over with before we go to Japan and Hong Kong.

*****

So so tired. Shorty today made a comment along the times of "am I the only one that feels like a baby?" We all told her no, she's not the only one. In one of my classes today, I was so tired and so hot that I just cried. Mercenary and Chief questioned it, but that's all it was -- exhaustion. I fully intend to just go back to the barracks and crash tonight.

Seriously, I took about three or four showers today. And it seems like everywhere we go -- class, the barracks, briefings, chow -- is in a freakin' sweat shack.

*****

They check our smallpox vaccination site tomorrow. I can see a big pox under my band aid. I'm actually curious to see what it looks like underneath. The good news is that I don't have to get jabbed another 15 times. The bad news is that I have to wait for the pox to explode.

*****

Not much of anything exciting going on. And not much time to write. Soon I'll be out in the FOB with really no time to write.

Now, if the Dell tech would hurry up and show up to fix my laptop. Then the world would be okay.

good news!

There is a lot of shit going down right now. A right proper shitstorm, if you will. Really it's a lot of bullshit, but it's bullshit concerning my next few weeks to myself. Which, quite frankly, is important to me.

It came down from my band First Sergeant that I need to talk to the band Commander and get his approval. Given the fact that I've fulfilled my active duty requirement for the year and that I'm going to be away for a long time, I don't think I'll have a problem. I did sign a statement saying that I did NOT want to go on AT, but I want to cover my bases. Because that's just a good thing to do, especially with the scum I've been having to deal with lately. So, I've emailed the Commander and now I just have to Wait And See. But I'm very hopeful about it.

I did actually manage to get ahold of my civilian boss today. They were bebopping around the workroom. Apparently one of my coworkers has nothing better to do than solve a five by five rubix cube. I talked to both of them, with my Bossman saying that there won't be much money but I'm more than welcome to come and hang around. The department is broke. I may not get paid. I really don't care -- I just want to go to work and play. And I'll be there for the installation of the new starball. Much geeky stargazer love.

Part of me is rethinking about requesting to be with LittleBit if we all get seperated. She's been one of the major players in this mess, rather indirectly, but still a major player. I really don't feel like having everything I do and say reported back to the band unit without my knowledge. I just have a feeling that it's going to burn me, in the end. She's fun to be around, she's a great person, but I can only foresee Bad Things Happening. And I don't exactly want to be caught up in all of that.

Oh well. Right now, I don't care. I may not have to go on AT, and someone else from the unit other than Prick said something about it.

Also, another reason why I don't care:

Techno says that "The drama is almost like High School..With
Uniforms..."
Fuzz - "Sounds like a catholic school"
Techno - "But we get guns"
Fuzz - "Sounds fun"

I miss my sister...shes a good drinking buddy and damnit she needed to be
at [my buddy]'s 21st to control me....

I <3 my brother. So so glad that he moved back home. So so glad that we were able to reconnect. But so very sad that I'm going just as things are getting better.

But such is life.