on making the leap

leap

v. leaped or leapt, leap·ing, leaps

v.intr.

1. To spring or bound upward from or as if from the ground; jump: leaped over the wall; salmon leaping upriver.

2. a. To move quickly or abruptly from one condition or subject to another: always leaping to conclusions. b. To act impulsively: leaped at the opportunity to travel.

v.tr.

1. To jump over: couldn't leap the brook.

2. To cause to leap: leap a horse over a hurdle.

n.

1. a. The act of leaping; a jump. b. A place jumped over or from. c. The distance cleared in a leap.

2. An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition: a leap from rags to riches.

An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition. Is that the best way to describe my leap? Or was it a purely impulsive act that I made late one night, hitting reply to the fateful email as fast as I could? Can I even separate the two?

The world I live in now is drastically different from the one I left behind. My life is, too. There is no way I can go back to the States and pretend that nothing is different, that nothing has changed. And I'm okay with that.

These days I don't think much about that email asking for volunteers. Months ago, I was still struggling with the decision I made. And I did have a choice. I could have gone to Brazil on the month-long trip I had planned, followed by a summer of Army training, flying with Bossman and a trip to a workshop for my civilian job. Instead, I hit reply. I put my name on that list, and I made the cut. That involved finishing my finals early so I could go to reclassification school. There was no Brazil trip. There wasn't much flying. There was no workshop. And the Army training that had been planned was definitely not a two week stint. I made a choice between two planes, and I picked the one that took me to the desert rather than a sleepy Brazilian town.

My decision was met with a wide variety of reactions. MeuExAmor swung between very upset, pseudo-supportive, and outright hurtful. Many were shocked. My mother was in tears at one point, while my dad was doing all of the research he could. I found more support than I thought I would, and I found it in people that I wouldn't have expected. The hardest was not getting it from those whom I cared about deeply. But, I'm past that now.

I could always think of this as bounding upwards. Money in the bank, debt paid off, increased benefits... and all of the mushy stuff, which I won't delve into here.

I don't regret hitting reply, no matter how tough things get.

Memorial Day

Other than the mandatory fun run in the morning and Memorial Day services, I have the tomorrow off. Which, unfortunately, will either be spent in my bunk or down at the coffee shop. I must admit, I miss playing music on Memorial Day. I miss the quiet mornings in the cemetery, seeing the old WWII vets, and listening to the speeches. I am proud that my hometown always had a good turnout despite the early morning ceremony.

Last year, I was in reclass school. I think we had a picnic by the lake. I remember it being very relaxing, a nice break from classwork and life in general. It felt strange, to not be involved in any kind of ceremony, to not spend my morning in a cemetery. I'm sure that I was thinking of my upcoming mobilization and deployment, leaving home for lands unknown while feeling totally unprepared. (In my opinion, nothing can truly prepare one for their first deployment.)

This year, I'm in the desert. Thinking of Driver and hoping that he encounters nothing more dangerous than a hedgehog. Wondering if the captured Soldiers are safe, or if they suffered the same fate as PFC Anzack. Trying to come to terms that while the general American public sees me as this great war hero (or a heartbroken Soldier running to the desert to cure what ails her), that I am only a desk jockey, a fobbit, a paper-pusher, another clog in the wheel of bureaucracy.

I'd much rather be in a national cemetery watching the funeral processions come and go, listening to Taps being played over and over again, anticipating the three volleys of the 21-gun salute. Just seems to be a more fitting way to spend the day.

for the record...

This is more of my reaction to the WP article than anything, just so you're forewarned. Most of you (because I know that people are out there, even if I am in denial) that have been reading know that MeuExAmor and I broke up all the way back in early October. The rest of you, finding your way here from either the article or Milblogging, don't necessarily know that. Which definitely is not how I was represented in the article, giving the appearance that I am using this deployment to help me heal from the end of the relationship.

If anything, I saw the end of the relationship coming. I realized this on more than one occasion during reclassification school several months ago -- I even decided on the plane home that it was over -- but I don't think I was quite ready to call it quits, for one reason or another. And it's not that I am or was afraid or didn't want to be alone. I went on a dinner date with InfantryMedic, I spent time at the club with Sweetheart, and I have had several eye-opening conversations with Lucky.

This deployment wasn't meant for me to heal. That was never my intention. I volunteered out of a sense of duty, the need (and want) to give myself a step up in this world, the dream of studying in Paris, and to actually have money in the bank rather than living off of the menial income I have when I'm a student. For the years that I have been in the band, I have sat in the back of auditoriums and watched the deployment ceremonies for other soldiers in my state so many times that I've lost count. And in the process, I became desensitized to it all. Having the band -- my band, my unit -- at my deployment ceremony was rather surreal. I was given the opportunity to be at the front of the auditorium rather than in the back, and I took it along with everything that came with it.

Do I regret making that decision? No, not one bit, even though it was a very difficult one to make. Do I regret cancelling my trip to Brazil? Yes. I was looking forward to spending time with MeuExAmor and his family, no matter how bad the romantic relationship was. Do I miss my family and friends? Of course! Do I miss university? Surprisingly, yes. That place has been the center of my universe for the past two years. Do I miss my civilian job at the planetarium? You have no idea, and there is no way for me to really describe what that place and the people associated with it mean to me.

Really, this is more like the going-away-to-college experience that I never had. I'm completely out of my element and away from everything that is near and dear to me. Only I'm not getting crazy at a frat party nor am I skipping classes. So aside from all of the schoolwork and studying I'm not doing, the emotional bit of "being away at college" is very true to this situation. It really has made me learn what things are truly important to me and what kind of people that I want to surround myself with. And if that's the only thing I get out of this deployment, I'm okay with that.

written on 10 August 2006

Hipster is over again, visiting EnglishProf. He's much better at cheering her up than I am. But apparently I'm more convincing to the chow hall staff when we ask for a hot plate to bring back to her. There are just too many steps on this post.

Tomorrow is our first day in the FOB. We're only going for training, but later this week we'll be out in the field full-time for awhile. Don't expect any updates for a long time. I still haven't decided if I'm going to take my laptop -- it's heavy, it needs charged often, and we're not supposed to have a lot of free time. And really, we'll be in field conditions. I'd rather keep all of the gunk out of my laptop. We'll see.

I'm really not sure how I feel about all the time that we're supposed to be out in the FOB. A lot of this training won't apply to what we'll be doing in country, and none of the culture training is geared to what we need. And the living/chow conditions definitely won't apply. Please, just teach me how to do my job. My job does not involve hand grenades -- please show me the paperwork and regulations that I need to familiarize myself with. And pass the lobster, please.

*****

Chica brought her camera and thumbdrive down so I could transfer pictures for her. We discovered some of the reclass school pictures, but what looks like those from Memorial Day and after. Twig and Pablo, the admin girls out at the club, the cookout, and Jazzman's birthday cake.
There are times when I kick myself for complaining about school.

*****

Fifi is getting ready to move out. I thought she was gone already, but I got lucky with my email. Her daughter -- the pregnant one -- is upset with her, saying that she was a bad mom and that she was never there for her and blablablah which, understandably, has made Fifi really upset. I hear it in her voice every time I call. It's been the same tone since we all left school.
I worry about her. I miss her.

*****

There's a concert in the process that we're not allowed to go to or even be seen around. We can't even look at that part of post. Something about not wanting to give a bad impression. Which is good in a way, because we had to be back at the barracks way earlier than normal and stay here for the rest of the night. It could be worse. Another early night for another early morning. If I can sleep through the freakin' bass drum. I may have to close some windows.

There's another this weekend. I mean, I know the base needs money, but having concerts at a training installation where the soldiers themselves are not allowed to go to the concerts and where their sleep is disrupted by the noise is a little annoying.

I think I may be taking pictures and otherwise documenting this stuff, because this place is seriously ate up. Where is all of the money going? Why are there soldiers sleeping in asbestous-filled barracks from World War 2?

*****

My pain management plan hasn't been working out well. I'm eating foods that I know that I shouldn't be eating, I'm wearing my patches during the day (rather than at night), and I am really struggling to keep my stress level down. Probably because I'm not sure if it's physical or mental stress. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

It's still managable, but sometimes I wonder if I'll still be able to keep it all under control.
But at least the Chaplain told me that I'm perfectly normal.

*****

My cousins sent me some mail -- the envelope was covered in stickers from the movie Cars. I officially have my first little kid scribble drawing. Too bad that I don't have a place to hang it up. The eldest wrote, asking if I'm having fun and what am I learning and stuff like that. Now the challange is to think about what I've actually learned (what have I learned, again?) and put it into terms that he can understand. Without using scary words like war or death.

But still! Little kid scribbles!!

written on 23 July 2006

All of this feels like some sort of twisted deja vu. We're in the same block as we were during reclass school, in the same kind of barracks, and on the top floor. I managed to have the same bunk location. LittleBit's area is right next to mine, just like the last time we were up here. And most of the people that were around during reclass are here as well. It's so weird. I keep looking to the corner where Fifi's bunk was, but she's not there. I'm missing her a lot right now.
And no, it still doesn't feel real.

*****

Most of this week will be inprocessing, which means a lot of hurrying up and waiting. Oh joy. But hopefully I'll get a lot of reading done, which would be a good thing.

We're actually supposed to be on an accelerated schedule, as the group that we'll merge with is ahead of us. I'm hearing all sorts of guesses as to what our days are going to be like, how long we'll be here, and other time-related things. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm on the Army's time now and there's not much I can do about that other than go with the flow. We really don't know if we'll have time to go to the computer labs, call home, go to the PX and other personal time stuff. So if I don't update or email, don't freak out. I'm probably just super busy, as things tend to be when you're really not in control of your time.

*****

I just wish that they would turn on the AC in the barracks. It's nasty and icky up there with ten bodies moving around. And not all of us can open our windows since we're missing screens. My window included.

I shouldn't complain too much -- the barracks that we were supposed to be in were much much worse. Brown water coming out of the faucets, no tile on the floor, windows were covered in plastic, and the toilets were not in stalls and were so cramped together that your knees would be able to touch the knees of the person across from you. Oh yes, and we can't forget about the asbestous. Yeah... we have very good people taking care of us that made sure that we had decent living conditions.

We're trying the make the best out of living in an open bay for the next few weeks. We'll still get on each other's nerves, and I'm sure that I'll be writing all about it.

*****

One of the females (who didn't go to reclass) brought a DVD player but no DVDs. She flipped through mine and picked out "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" -- one of my French movies. I'm really hoping that she's not thinking that it's a love story, because it's so not. But I still thought that it was cool that she went ahead and flipped through my discs even after I told her that they were foreign. No one at reclass really showed much interest.

*****

Anyways, stuff to do. Late nights and early mornings make for a long week.

two thirds, at least

SRP? Check. Reclass school? Check. Mobilization? I'll get through it.

I'm mostly there. It could be worse.

It's just the anticipation messing with my head.

contrasts

Sweetheart called me while he was still at the range. Our conversation was punctuated by the bang-bang-bang of machine gun fire.

On the very scary plane ride home, I pretty much decided that MeuAmor, the Army, and I are not going to work out. He's been angry about my deployment since I told him about it, and it hasn't gotten any better. I cancelled my trip to Brazil, and now I'm breaking it off with the Brazilian boyfriend. Go figure, eh?

In not so many words, he told me that it was him or the Army. Amor, I love you, I'm crazy about you, but don't make ultimatums involving the Army. You will always lose. He says that he said it in anger. It doesn't matter. It stung then and it hurts now.

Everyone else has not exactly been okay with it, but at least no one has been angry. At least not like he has been.

I went to the club last week in tears. Instructor Playa talked to me. Fifi talked to me. Chica talked to me. And Sweetheart spent the night talking to me, dancing with me, and making sure that I was alright.

Such a contrast.

home soon

The only thing left is lots of cleaning, but that's to be expected.

We're all sad. For different reasons. Shorty is gone, gone, gone. It hit me this morning. I know I'll see her soon. Fifi will be leaving to mobilize. I don't want her to go. I wish she was staying with us.

Anyways, home soon.

going home

The first one of us went home today. Shorty, who had just gone off-post to the mall with MarriedSista, Chica and myself.

Her aunt is dying of cancer. She's going home for the service. That's a very long plane ride that no one wants to take.

We feel like we're removed from life, but it just keeps on moving without us.

In the course of this class, in a mere four weeks, there have been three deaths and a birth.

FratBoy will go home and hold his new nephew. Shorty will stand watch at a loved one's deathbed. Medic will go visit a grave. I'll be visiting family, and not to play with little cousins.

Two days and a wake up.

more?

After convincing a grown man that he really should be back in his barracks before 2200, after talking to Sgt Z about everything from AT to adoption, my phone does the familiar text message buzz thing. It's MeuAmor. (Surprise, surprise, right?)

He writes: What she said make me worry, but she's not online yet, she just said
that need to talk to me. I don't know yet!!! Damn

Apparently his supervisor wants to talk to him. Online. Why online and not at the store? Not a clue. He's paranoid that he's going to lose his job, though. I am, too.

*****

While out at my "dinner date" with InfantryMedic (and trying to keep that as platonic as possible), two main things came up. One: How I Feel About MeuAmor, otherwise known as "Are You Going to Marry This Boy Or What, Girl??" And two: What Do You Really Want Out Of This Life? And the answer -- the superficial answer, anyways -- to both is "I Don't Know."

Question One gets ten kinds of complicated. I need to be able to prove that I can financially support both him and myself before he can immigrate. And no, I can't just move to Brazil and get a job because he can't exactly support me, either. Are there other options? Yes, but let's not get into those right now. They're just as complicated.

Question Two is rather simple, or so I'd like to think. I want to graduate college, I want to get my Master's degree (eventually), and I'd really like to spend a year in France. Do I want to get married? Do I want to have a family? Do I want to have a civilian or military career? I don't know. I'm only 21. I don't have to have the answers to these kinds of questions yet. And I don't think I should have to just yet.

I spent so long thinking that I would be something different from what I am now that I'm perfectly content to bebop around in life. Let me enjoy my years on campus, my years in the band, my time in the planetarium. Someday life is going to be more than books and music and stars. Well, it already is. But you get the idea.

Life is very quickly going to be boots and sand and paperwork, but let's not dwell on that too much, shall we?

If only I could have my cake and eat it, too.

*****

I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my unit. It's no longer a joke or a off-handed, flippiant thing when I say that I'm going to find a new home. I feel like I'm being let down, that I've been let down by my chain of command. I never meant for this Charlie Foxtrot of a mess to happen -- all I wanted was a simple answer to a simple question. A clarification, rather. And instead I've gotten everything but an answer. I've had to request several times for the two weeks, and each time my request gets a little less formal and a little more irritated. We've been lied to repeatedly -- about the possible promotions, about the time away from home and families, and other minor things. I won't be surprised if I end up near where my cousin is now, learning to judge the distance of incoming mortar attacks. I won't be surprised if the job I end up doing is completely different from the one that I was just trained to do. I won't be surprised if I get involunatarily extended. And I definitely won't be surprised if they deny my request. Anything is possible, after all.

All I want is two extra weeks at home with my family. With my baby cousins. With the green grass and blue skies and summer thunderstorms. I'm not asking for much, in my opinion.

I will miss very few people from the band. Most of them are here with me. And all of them understand.

*****

"Everytime a door closes, another one opens"

All I see in front of me are open doors. Which one is the right one? And what door behind me is going to close?

*****

What difference does it make if I'm a soldier or not? What difference does it make if I do it full-time or part-time? What difference does it make if I'm enlisted or an officer?

Does it make a difference?

Am I always going to be defined as "the band girl" or "the admin girl" or "Techno"?

Is there more?

questions

What am I doing here? Why did I decide to do this?

Am I the only one asking myself these questions?

Twig, GlamourBeauty, Shorty, and Chica all were involuntary. Fifi as well, but she'll be in another unit, somewhere else. LittleBit, Sgt Z, EnglishProf and myself were all voluntary. I know LittleBit thinks this is her calling in life. EnglishProf and Sgt Z are probably in it for the money. I tell myself that it's for Paris, although I don't know when I can go. Between enlistments, probably.

Paris seems so far away.

everything has changed

Do I even want to be with this boy for the rest of my life? Is it worth giving up something that I may or may not want to do? Will I regret it later?

What won't I regret?

I'm with adults everyday. (Well, adults that are older than me, anyways.) I hear about their past. I hear about their present and former relationships. I hear their regrets. And it hits me -- I'm 21. I haven't finished college. I'm still a kid. I still have that freedom of no house, no spouse, no kids. And I want to travel. I want to better myself. And I don't want to grow up and look back on my life regretting one thing or another. On the other hand, I'm not naive. I know that I'll have my own set of choices, my own regrets.

This isn't just a fork in the road. I don't just have two clear-cut choices. Each choice will lead to another set of choices. And each of those to another. Do I stay in the band or reclassify to yet another skill? Do I finish this enlistment and never look back? Do I stay enlisted or do I become an officer? Active Army? Air Force? Or do I stick to the civilian side of things -- where I don't know what I'll do when I grow up, what state or even what country I'll end up in. There are no wrong decisions. But there are no right decisions either. A decision is a decision, as simple as that. Even if the aftereffects aren't so simple.

Knowing that there are no right or wrong decisions makes it difficult to choose. The only thing that I do know is that each decision brings new people into my life and casts others out. For some reason it seems that every decision I'm making now is casting more and more people out. My friends don't return my calls. My former classmates and professors don't bother to email. My own boyfriend doesn't want to continue the relationship if I continue to be a soldier. It's almost as if I had died. Or moved and left everything behind. And I'm only a few states away. A phone call, an email away. Not on the other side of the world. Nothing important has changed, other than my duty status.

And yet, everything has changed.

internal struggle

I've been complaining about AT so much that I think I forgot all about the other stuff that's going on.

Like the silent but steady bond developing amoung Nerd, JazzMan and myself on our coffee-and-book runs. Or the impossible crush that I've had forever on FratBoy, and decided years ago that he would be nothing more than a friend. (Although, he has now been hinting otherwise.) Or the constant internal battle I struggle with everyday.

I'll start with the internal struggle of mine.

Constantly, I feel like I have one foot in the civilian world and one foot in the military world and that I'm getting nowhere in neither. On the civilian side, I'm an honor student, a frazzled (but happy) employee, an overbooked daughter, and a lost soul meandering in and out of coffee shops. In the military, I'm a bandsman, a Specialist, a female, and almost always overlooked. I feel I identify more strongly with my civilian life -- it's more fitting for starters. But my military life is what provides me with the cilivan life that I cherish. They're intertwined, even if they represent two different sides of me. Sometimes I don't recognize myself in my military ID, in my uniform. I look totally different in civilian clothes.

Then add MeuAmor. I love him with all of my heart. I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to me sometime in the near future. And I would like to think that I would marry him. But he wants nothing to do with the military side of my life. He hasn't been very supportive of my decision to deploy. He's not exactly thrilled with the idea of me even thinking about doing ROTC. He doesn't want to hear me even talk about going Active Army, even if it would get him here faster. And then he complains about how long it would take for me to get settled if I took the civilian route.

We text message, we email, we chat, we call. And it eventually breaks down into a conversation like something like this: I'm thinking of going Active // Why??!! // To get you here faster // No, I'm not the man for that. I told you that I didn't want anymore Army stuff // I know, but...

That conversation never has a good ending.

He says: I am sorry, but we are separated by a really big line. And it's not the equador. It's what we want to do to the people in the world. I am the wrong guy for what you want. I am sorry. I can't do anything about it.

And I do miss him. I do want him near. And believe that I am going on this deployment partly for his benefit as well.

When I first mentioned how MeuAmor wasn't very supportive, FratBoy flat out told me to drop him. It still amazes me how my boss, my family, my friends are so supportive and yet.. my boyfriend isn't. It reminds me of Rocky in a way. When I first mentioned joining the service to pay for school, Rocky was opposed to it but didn't stand in my way. He didn't really support it, but he understood. The day I left for basic training, Rocky was there. It was the day we ended our relationship. Exactly three years to the day.

Part of me must be afraid that it'll be the same thing over again. I go off for something related to the Army, and whatever romantic relationship I had comes to a screeching halt.

Once upon a time, a very wise sergeant told me to never date or marry unless I was going to make a career out of this. Each day closer to mobilization, I can see why.

well, all my ducks are lined up in a row...

They tell me to take it up with the commander, so I email him.

They tell me to email the commander (to which I get no response), and I email again.

And now they're saying:

Bottom line: To date only Sergeant Z has my permission to miss AT. If anyone else wants to miss AT then you need to contact me directly or by email and I’ll make my decision. I need to know by close of business Tuesday May 30th. I will handle these requests on a case by case basis. Do not take it for granted that if you make a request it will be granted. You must receive verification from me.

And exactly how many times have I requested that I don't want to go on AT, and exactly how many times have I NOT recieved an answer?

Look, people. My instrument? Signed in before I left for this school. A body to play said instrument? Someone else has been tripping over themselves to get the chance to play it. My two weeks time spent in active duty? Already completed.

Everything has been all lined up for you, nice and neat. What about you?

good news!

There is a lot of shit going down right now. A right proper shitstorm, if you will. Really it's a lot of bullshit, but it's bullshit concerning my next few weeks to myself. Which, quite frankly, is important to me.

It came down from my band First Sergeant that I need to talk to the band Commander and get his approval. Given the fact that I've fulfilled my active duty requirement for the year and that I'm going to be away for a long time, I don't think I'll have a problem. I did sign a statement saying that I did NOT want to go on AT, but I want to cover my bases. Because that's just a good thing to do, especially with the scum I've been having to deal with lately. So, I've emailed the Commander and now I just have to Wait And See. But I'm very hopeful about it.

I did actually manage to get ahold of my civilian boss today. They were bebopping around the workroom. Apparently one of my coworkers has nothing better to do than solve a five by five rubix cube. I talked to both of them, with my Bossman saying that there won't be much money but I'm more than welcome to come and hang around. The department is broke. I may not get paid. I really don't care -- I just want to go to work and play. And I'll be there for the installation of the new starball. Much geeky stargazer love.

Part of me is rethinking about requesting to be with LittleBit if we all get seperated. She's been one of the major players in this mess, rather indirectly, but still a major player. I really don't feel like having everything I do and say reported back to the band unit without my knowledge. I just have a feeling that it's going to burn me, in the end. She's fun to be around, she's a great person, but I can only foresee Bad Things Happening. And I don't exactly want to be caught up in all of that.

Oh well. Right now, I don't care. I may not have to go on AT, and someone else from the unit other than Prick said something about it.

Also, another reason why I don't care:

Techno says that "The drama is almost like High School..With
Uniforms..."
Fuzz - "Sounds like a catholic school"
Techno - "But we get guns"
Fuzz - "Sounds fun"

I miss my sister...shes a good drinking buddy and damnit she needed to be
at [my buddy]'s 21st to control me....

I <3 my brother. So so glad that he moved back home. So so glad that we were able to reconnect. But so very sad that I'm going just as things are getting better.

But such is life.

mixed day

We took the test of DOOM this morning. The one that we've delayed twice this past week. The one that I actually had test anxiety over. I never get test anxiety. But lecture to me before I take a test about how difficult it is and how "no matter how hard you try, I will not let you fail thisss tessssss" and yeah, I get a little nervous.

No need to worry, I only missed one question out of rushing to finish. And they gave us half the right answers anyways. No joke.

So, after much hyperventilating and freaking out from my classmates, we go to lunch and come back to our new instructor. Who I can't believe is actually allowed to be an instructor, except for the fact that he gets the job done. He is so anti-Army and anti-typical-soldier-stereotype that it's actually very refreshing. Instead of addressing us by our rank in class, he just calls us all "playa". "Playa, read paragraph 2-15 charlie to the class." "Playa, what did you get for number five?" "No no, playa, explain it in your own words!" "Don't call me over the weekend, because this playa is staying in the hotel off post." Also, he jokes about everything even if it's very very serious. I haven't laughed so much in an Army class before. It's great.

And he lets us make our own schedule, playa.

Class is great but I'm not sure how I'm feeling myself. Since we got out of class early, I showered and crawled into my bunk to nap. Not sure how long I slept (other than through dinner chow) but when I woke up, LittleBit was just coming back from the gym. Still in bed, I told her that I didn't want to go out tonight. I had cancelled my platonic dinner date, I didn't want to go out to the club, and I was really trying to motivate myself to walk to the library. LittleBit just looks at me and says "I think you're depressed".

Me? Depressed? No.

Me? Homesick? Definitely not.

Me? Dealing (or not) with things that are way out of my control? Yeah, that would be it.

And I really didn't feel like going out. I don't do it at home, why start now? The club isn't exactly a good place for me to hang out. Fifi and LittleBit would run off with their men, and I'm either a third wheel or hit on by some sleazy soldier. Not exactly my idea of fun.

Eight days and a wakeup, or something like that.

"Home"

"Home"
Originally uploaded by goodnightfordollar.

It's not home, but I can relate.

just roll with it

You know, I'm more than halfway done with this school. I am enjoying myself here. I am bonding with people. I am learning a lot about some of the people on The List that I wouldn't have found out otherwise. I'm enjoying their company more than I thought I would, too. Even the ones in the New Unit that I haven't known all that long. I will miss some of them if they split us up, and I won't miss others. But I know which ones I'd like to spend a tour with.

I'm still learning about myself. That the band isn't for me, but it's been one of the good things in my life. (Well, as far as the Army goes.) I'd rather be a linguist, at least on the Army side of things. I still don't know what I want to be or where I want to live when I grow up. I'm not content to be a Specialist until someone dies or retires. I really really like gourmet coffee, and the Army does not believe in it. I'd like to try a brain sandwich, just once. I am high speed, and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I really have a drive to do well, to excel. That my family -- and MeuAmor's family -- is really important to me, and it's hard to describe that to someone that doesn't have that.

And you know what? I could use the extra money from AT. Doesn't mean I want to be there. Doesn't mean that I'm still not going to try to get a solid answer. Doesn't mean that I'm not ready to go. Doesn't mean that I'm going to be exactly chipper and cheery. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to shed tears about it. But, Uncle Suga' is bound to come collecting sometime.

My life, my time is really not mine any more. Not until this deployment is over, at least. That's a really hard thing to come to terms with. I'm not sure if it's something that's hitting me now, or if it's just bubbling up right now. I know I don't do well with uncertainty, and that's all I have for the time being.

There's still a little -- little? no, big -- part of me that wishes that I had gotten on the plane to Brazil. That I was surrounded by MeuAmor's family. That I was learning new words that had nothing to do with the Army. That I could hang out in the hammock reading a book.

I really miss that hammock. And the boy that goes with it.

But, as everyone is telling me now: just roll with it. Take it all in stride.

This too shall pass.

Effers!

If you were going to be away from your home, your friends, your civilian job, and your family, wouldn't you want to try to spend as much time at home with them as you could?

Do you see any problem with that?

Most people wouldn't.

However.... my unit -- my home unit -- is telling me that I have to go on AT with them. Even though I won't be attached to them much longer. I swore that my new unit -- the one I'm deploying with -- told me that I didn't have to do AT with the band, and that I was "invited" to go on AT.

I just want to spend time with my family and get my affairs together.

Three weeks isn't enough.

life and deployment

Fifi, LittleBit and I were supposed to go riding today. However, Fifi apparently has sunburn in a rather uncomfortable place and spending the day in a saddle would not be so much of a good idea. So, I plan on rotting my brain out in front of the computer and perhaps spend some time reading my new books. I've also considered buying some postcards and sending them home to my baby cousins. It will be a relaxing day, regardless.

Last night, LittleBit and I were talking about the deployment. She said that when she got the email that it just clicked -- this is what she was supposed to do, this was her purpose.

Meanwhile, tears are streaming down my cheeks because I want more time with my family, my friends before going away for a very long time.

That's the difference between me and her. LittleBit has no one -- she's not close with her family, she doesn't have a significant other, she has no children, not many close friends. I'm extremely close to my family, and not just my immediate family. My baby cousins, my aunts and uncles, my cousin that's already over there in Iraq, MeuAmor's family in Brazil... the list just goes on.

And the Army tells me that I'll only have three weeks to spend with them before I mobilize.