Retired at 23

My PEBLO called last week and informed me that I've been offered 30% disability and temporary disability retirement pay. It's exactly what I wanted, so of course I accepted. Now I hurry up and wait again for my discharge and my retirement pay to kick in. Only a little over a month more until that happens. In case you were wondering, it's the same thing Red received. Only he fought much longer than I did -- he really did want to stay in and return to his unit in the worst way. Considering I was MEDEVAC'd in August, it's taken nearly a year to get discharged. Although, I must admit, if I had said in Germany or Walter Reed that I wanted out of the Army I wouldn't have stayed on active duty this long.

It is a little weird to think of both Red and myself as medically unfit to serve, even if it is the truth. If you were to talk about it with my mom, she would tell you that I was never medically fit to join the Army in the first place and if I had stayed in the band, everything would have been just fine. I wouldn't be screwed up. I wouldn't be hiding in the house and avoiding people. Yes, I made the decision to learn another job and deploy -- but it's not my fault that I came back like this.

And really, who wouldn't expect change from a person who's been away from home, in a completely different environment, in a completely different culture (both military and host country), and a completely different daily routine? I didn't just come back with PTSD. I have new friends, a fiance, new interests and hobbies, and more insight and understanding of that part of the world. That's the short list. I don't regret choosing to deploy. I just wish things had turned out better.

on making the leap

leap

v. leaped or leapt, leap·ing, leaps

v.intr.

1. To spring or bound upward from or as if from the ground; jump: leaped over the wall; salmon leaping upriver.

2. a. To move quickly or abruptly from one condition or subject to another: always leaping to conclusions. b. To act impulsively: leaped at the opportunity to travel.

v.tr.

1. To jump over: couldn't leap the brook.

2. To cause to leap: leap a horse over a hurdle.

n.

1. a. The act of leaping; a jump. b. A place jumped over or from. c. The distance cleared in a leap.

2. An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition: a leap from rags to riches.

An abrupt or precipitous passage, shift, or transition. Is that the best way to describe my leap? Or was it a purely impulsive act that I made late one night, hitting reply to the fateful email as fast as I could? Can I even separate the two?

The world I live in now is drastically different from the one I left behind. My life is, too. There is no way I can go back to the States and pretend that nothing is different, that nothing has changed. And I'm okay with that.

These days I don't think much about that email asking for volunteers. Months ago, I was still struggling with the decision I made. And I did have a choice. I could have gone to Brazil on the month-long trip I had planned, followed by a summer of Army training, flying with Bossman and a trip to a workshop for my civilian job. Instead, I hit reply. I put my name on that list, and I made the cut. That involved finishing my finals early so I could go to reclassification school. There was no Brazil trip. There wasn't much flying. There was no workshop. And the Army training that had been planned was definitely not a two week stint. I made a choice between two planes, and I picked the one that took me to the desert rather than a sleepy Brazilian town.

My decision was met with a wide variety of reactions. MeuExAmor swung between very upset, pseudo-supportive, and outright hurtful. Many were shocked. My mother was in tears at one point, while my dad was doing all of the research he could. I found more support than I thought I would, and I found it in people that I wouldn't have expected. The hardest was not getting it from those whom I cared about deeply. But, I'm past that now.

I could always think of this as bounding upwards. Money in the bank, debt paid off, increased benefits... and all of the mushy stuff, which I won't delve into here.

I don't regret hitting reply, no matter how tough things get.

living on the surface of the moon

I am the only one in the lab at the moment, and it's one of those surreal moments. It's almost like everyone else on camp is asleep... but I know that's not the case. Those that work today are already at work, and those that don't are probably still asleep in their bunks -- my roommate included.

Being here in the desert is still a little strange, even after all of these months. When fall came, I wasn't expecting it to get so cold. Winter brought even colder weather, as well as fog and rain. The mild spring temperatures are gone with most of the flowers. Which leaves the ever-constant sun, wind, and sand. I still walk out of buildings, stare out over the horizon and wonder if I really am living on the surface of the moon. It's now normal for it to be more than 100F/38C at lunchtime. Was it really so long ago that Dragonette's mom was leaving us notes on the bathroom mirror warning us that it was only 57F/14C outside?

Maybe it's the lack of freedom, the feeling that I'm back in high school again. Maybe the fences and the barriers are really starting to get to me. Maybe it's the sun, the complete lack of anything green. Maybe it's the frustration of comings and goings, time differences, life that moves on without. Maybe I really am homesick.

If I go home on emergency leave, will the goodbyes be just as painful this time around? Or will it be better because we all know that this is almost over?

thinking ahead...

Just a few more months here. And then back to the so-called real world.

In the meantime, I'm looking at my bank account hard. Do I have enough money to go to China on a school trip? What about a few weeks in Brazil? Backpacking through Europe? Oh, and will I be able to afford a car and everything that comes with it? And books and fees for my first semester? Will I have to pick up another job or will unemployment be just enough? I might be able to pull it off, with my rainy-day fund intact. Or maybe I'll realize that I'm being just a little too ambitious.

There's other stuff that is bouncing around between the family back home and here. For awhile there has been talk of Driver moving. As in moving in with my parents and myself. It's scary, it's exciting, and I have no idea of how it's going to turn out. I've already written about our concerns about him driving back in the States. Add to the weaving and "I own this road" philosphy here that is normal for him to the fact that he's never ever driven in snow and I'm just anticipating trouble. Once we return, winter won't be too far away. Also, I know I'm going to run into the school of thought that cohabitating is bad/sinful/not a good idea and I have no idea of how to handle that. One of my guy friends is already calling Driver completely psycho just because of the moving plans. There's a method to the madness and it's not really anyone's business. There's a lot of research that needs to be done before the move: jobs, schools and covens, oh my. In the meantime, I'm crossing all of my fingers and toes hoping that it goes well.

And university! And my job in the planetarium! I can't wait to go back, even though I have to wait until months after my return to the States. The student crew that I'm used to won't be there. They'll have graduated and moved on to the Life After College. I have no idea of what other student employees will be there. Work will be strange without PhysicsGeek and EngineeringGeek. I'll probably have to study extra hard in my French classes just because I've let my brain rot and not kept up on my language skills. The same for my programming classes. I wonder if I'll go back to calling my professors "Sir" just like how I did after basic training.

Four more months. Just have to hang on for four more months of the hot desert sun and colorless sand.

quotes from friends

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I love my friends -- both near and far.

Quotes from my favorite high school era boys, who are still my best source of information as to how the male brain works:

Techno: Talk to you later, punk.
Rocky: Punk? Fuck that. I'm a super punk!
Techno: Ok, super punk!

Techno: Boys are stupid.
FakeBoyfriend: Duh. One of these days you're going to log in and tell me something shocking. Clearly, today is not one of those days.

Rocky still has an affection for the weird and unusual. I would be worried otherwise.

From Dragonette, when we were talking about mental health stuff: "The sandbox just makes you sad!" She's got a very good point. (Psst... I miss you!!)

And the whole three sentences I've heard from Driver since he's been out and about in Europe are a little anticlimatic when you've been waiting for news for days. "Me in Paris. Me good. I LOVE EUROPE!!" He won't write much, but as soon as he gets back he won't be able to shut up.

Primo's English isn't the greatest and hasn't made the leaps and bounds that MeuExAmor's did once upon a time. But the meaning is there and I understand him just fine. It's been too long since I've seen him.

Beautiful photos. I like [them] all. Amazing, awesome. Even [though] you are in there for a work you try to have time to get some fun. Enjoy this, you deserve all [of] the good things. With love, Primo

ItalianGrandpa, who has emailed me without fail since I left for training nearly a year ago: "Techno, we are at Aunt's. Will say hi for you. We miss you here, hurry home."

From Knocker, an Aussie sailor whom I met in Hong Kong. We trade notes on military life and the "weird" cultural stuff we encounter while we're away from home. His shipmates are a crazy bunch.

Singapore is ok. Went to a place called the '4 floors of whores' tonight. There were working girls everywhere. They didn't like me saying no. I was worried about one that talked to me. Her voice was deeper than mine. Left after that. It's not my thing.

And back at the planetarium, one of the professors sat on the phone with me coming up with snarky mottos for my job, all based around "paperwork corps!"

I miss them all.

back to the sandbox

I've been back in the desert for about a week now. No more Chinese, no more struggling with chopsticks, no more skyscrapers, no more yummy homemade meals and sleeping in until the construction work woke me up. Back to sand, sun, paperwork, plastic silverware, and o'dark thirty workouts.

My supervisor is on vacation, his back-up has medical stuff going on, and therefore, I am running around this base trying to get stamps and signatures. I managed to make a full bird Colonel rather upset over the stamping and the signing thing -- they dragged me back into the office later that evening to explain myself. Fortunately, because I have absolutely no clue what is going on, I was spared the Colonel's wrath via the Major.

Driver is on leave, and I'm missing him. He's backpacking Europe alone. Some of the people I spend time with while he's normally gone are also away. Moping around, keeping to myself, trying not to sleep all day. Today feels like how Sundays felt when I first got here: lonely, boring, empty, long.

At least I'm past the halfway mark.

more odds and ends

This is what Hong Kong looks like from the top of a double decker bus.

Ferry ride is over! Getting ready to dock.

Rickshaws for sale. No one uses these for transportation in Hong Kong anymore.

This is the creepy doorman that laughs at everyone who comes home late. Dragonette, her sister and her father have all asked him why he laughs -- none of them can understand his reply. I wasn't going to take his picture, and then he laughed at me while I was waiting for the elevator. Notice how it is only 11:30 PM.

This is the view from Dragonette's room. I know that many wouldn't consider it pretty, but it sure as heck beats sand. There are five big dogs that live on the roof on the building to your right. They bark. A lot.

I leave tonight to go back to the sandbox. Not exactly looking forward to it, but I don't have much of a choice. At least I know how to pack extremely light.

out and about today

Overview of temple we visited today in New Territories.

Statues in the outer area. I wasn't allowed to take photos inside.

More dragons!

Another lotus flower. I think they're pretty.

Different temple, right next door. They let me take pictures inside... and they had more to look at, and were a lot less touristy.

First lion that I've seen painted. He's rather colorful, isn't he?

Temple

Overview of a building on temple grounds.

Temple with worshipper.

Small tower of Buddhas.

Statue with offerings of incense (in threes).

There be dragons! Was carved into a potted planter.

More dragons. People were throwing coins into this. I kind of suck at it.

Incense, worshipper, alter.

Seated golden Buddha.

Close up.

Ancestor Worship

Grave with offering.

Offerings for dead relatives. These are things that are believed to help their lives in hell.

Unexpected cross in a Chinese cemetary.

Hillside of graves.

odds and ends from School of Arts

Roar!! Lion guarding a doorway.

Door god? Door guard? Can't remember.

workshop visit

Today, in a few hours, I have an appointment with the wonderful people at Hong Kong Space Museum to get a behind-the-scenes look of their planetarium.

Yes, I am a total geek.

Hong Kong Park

Koi in a pond. So many colors!

There were turtles everywhere basking on rocks.

You can still see the city from the park. But that's okay.

Observation tower. Very long spiral staircase up to the top. I think the sign said it was 30 meters tall.

A view of buildings on the climb up to the viewing platform on the observation tower.

Circle window in Tai Chi Court.

Triangle window in Tai Chi Court.

Statue, circle window and plants near the exit of the Tai Chi Court.

Birds in the aviary. Many many different species are kept in the park's aviary. This is also a spot where everyone with a SLR camera was snapping away.

This is actually in the Zoological and Botantical Gardens, a short walk away from the park. The inscription reads "In memory of the Chinese who died loyal to the Allied cause in the wars of 1914-1918 and 1939-1945."

Fountains in the park -- also a spot to find people snapping away. The big mushroom shaped fountain actually has a path where one can walk inside.

Yuexiu Park

Sculpture inside the park. There were many like this in a row.

Dirt path branching off of a paved path, winding into the bamboo and trees.

Skyline of Guangzhou from the Zhenhai Tower.

Lotus flower in a pond in the Korean Gardens.

Five Rams Statue, symbol of Guangzhou.

I believe that Yuexiu Park is the largest in China. It is definitely huge. Lots of stairs and steep inclines so it was a bit tiring getting around from one point to another. Very beautiful, though.

Guangzhou Zoo

Yes, Dinosaur World was really that cheesy. But that's okay.

We all love Engrish. At least they tried. There were many many places in China that didn't even bother with English translations of anything. Definitely an experience of being illiterate.

Yeah, I have no idea either. He was just sitting there, off to the side. A relic from better days, perhaps?

This is what a peacock looks like when it's tired of the exhibit it belongs to and decides to look around.

And this is what a strutting peacock still in the exhibit looks like.

My mom told me to go see pandas. Unfortunately there are no pandas on exhibit in Hong Kong at the moment, so Dragonette suggested that I try in China. I went... and the panda was asleep. Sad.

Guangzhou Zoo is the largest in Southern China. And it is a pretty big zoo with a lot to see, but a bit of a letdown after the zoos I've visited in the States.

Just remember...

It's not everyday that you realize that all of that time that your parents spent training you to use a western style toilet is useless. And that there is such things as a proper and polite way to eat with chopsticks. Oh, and you will probably need a visa to enter mainland China. Because they really will turn you away at the border.

Headed back to Hong Kong soon, with the glories of English signs, western toilets and uncensored Internet access.

Expect pictures.

they didn't make it very far

This is dinner tonight.

This is dinner trying to escape.

They didn't make it very far. And yes, we did cook them before we ate them.

In other news, I'm leaving for mainland China soon.

Wish me luck.