just a year in the life

Lucky: Techno...
Techno: Yeah?
Lucky: I love you. I hope you're okay. Worried 'bout you. You okay?
Techno: I don't know.

This was supposed to be a calm year, and it has been everything but.

And yet... I know that when I look back and think about all of this, it will be no more than a year in the life of Techno.

Sometimes life is crazy, sometimes life isn't. Being exiled in the desert doesn't change any of that.

And as much as I want to be on a plane to Brazil, a train to New York, a subway in Hong Kong, or under artificial stars back home -- this is the place where I need to be, for oh so many reasons.

doesn't anyone have to work?

I laid in bed wondering why there was so much noise in the barracks... it's daytime... people should be working.

So I asked, to no one in particular, "doesn't anyone have to work?"

Twig giggled at me. It was the end of the duty day and everyone had just come home. I had slept all day.

can't do it

I'm not going to Brazil on my leave.

I'm done to playing into what he still believes his life is.

I just can't do it.

this movie of the week life

This was supposed to be a calm year. And it has been everything but.

I hate my life feeling like a drama-filled movie of the week where you can't really believe that something like this has happened, but you do, because it's supposedly based on a real story.

Take this real story and shove it.

hindsight is 20/20...

Three seizures. Sad. Upset. Confused.

I'm such a shitty person.

Desculpe

Só por hoje eu não quero mais chorar
Só por hoje eu espero conseguir
Aceitar o que passou e o que virá
Só por hoje vou me lembrar que sou feliz.

-- "Só por hoje" - Legião Urbana

What do you say to someone who only remembers the good bits of you, when you know that you've hurt them so deeply?

Techno: Desculpe.
MeuExAmor: For what? Why are you saying that? I love you.
Techno: Voce não lembra.
MeuExAmor: You're confusing me...
Techno: Ta bom...

Nao chore

Techno: Te amo.
MeuExAmor: Voce me ama?
Techno: Sim.
MeuExAmor: Por que?
Techno: *sniffles*
MeuExAmor: Voce esta chorando?
Techno: Sim.
MeuExAmor: Por que? Eu estou bem. Nao chore.
Techno: Tem certeza?
MeuExAmor: Tenho.

He's awake, he can speak a little English, and he kind of knows who I am.

He doesn't know where I am or why I'm there.

Ai meu Deus, what did I do?

The American Red Cross doesn't have an agreement with Brasil. There's no way for them to verify an emergency message, and therefore no way for me to get emergency leave. I'm a half a world away, stranded in the desert, and I think this is the only time that I looked up at a plane and wished that I was on it since I've been here.

All I want is to be there.

ps, I'm sorry

MeuExAmor had an accident. He's comatose in the hospital.

And no one answers their phones.

I can't believe that I said such shitty things to him.

insecurity

I told Twig this morning that I just felt so very insecure, and she looked at me a bit funny and asked why.

Because I haven't been able to get anything right for awhile. Or when I do get it right, I screw up something else.

Coming to terms with that isn't easy.

just do it

Note to self: The next time when you think that you probably should keep your mouth shut, do it.

closure? pssh, where's the potato gun.

I don't get why I'm still so upset about MeuExAmor. Fifi says it's because I need closure. And then we rapidly switched the conversation over to potato guns. But seriously, closure from what? Think I'm still working that one out.

belated announcement

Hipster proposed to EnglishProf.

We're very much excited for them.

One!
All you soldiers
Two!
You better do your best
Three!
Before you find yourself
Four!
In the leaning rest

One!
Hit it
Two!
Hit it
Three!
Hit it
Four!
Hit it

One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four
We like it here
We love it here
We've finally found a home
A what?
A home
A home
A home away from home
Hooah!

One of our favorite cadances in class. You know, when we can actually not march each other into the fence during drill and ceremony practice. Apparently some of us (myself included) can't call cadance and march a group at the same time. Much easier said than done.

And even though I'm having a really shitty day (which is entirely my own fault, stupid girl), I still think I picked the right plane. It's affected just about every aspect of my life, but that's okay.

I may live with a demon in my leg, but it hasn't killed me yet.

new addition

Fuzz: "How does Aunt Techno sound?"
Techno: "I'm going to kill you."

Not really, but I wasn't exactly thrilled.

The news has been told to just about everyone now, so I felt like it was safe to share (finally!)

It's just so weird to think about it, for a number of reasons. I've known the mom-to-be for years, but she hasn't been romantically involved with my brother for all that long. She got pregnant just as I was leaving the country. I'm going to miss the baby shower, the birth, the first few months. And even when I do come home, I don't plan on sticking around for very long.

There's this whole new addition to the family that I won't get to meet for a long, long time.

things that take balls

MedicGeek called my mom. Which, according to her, took balls.

Conversations between MedicGeek and I have gotten interesting lately, especially now that we're done scolding each other for some of the decisions that we've made in our personal lives. I was really close to cutting him out of my life entirely before I deployed, and now I'm really glad that I haven't.

But, I still have issues and he still has issues.

And really, it's way too soon.

baby daddy drama

The size of our family is going to be increasing, which has led all sorts of interesting conversations, including mundane arguments as to whether or not Fuzz is really going to Japan with me. Mom and I have both voted no, Fuzz and his girlfriend have voted yes.

What part of "you're not going to be able to afford it" does he not understand?

*****

Talked to Sweetheart online the other day. It was kind of a freak thing, considering how long it takes him to reply to emails and such. He just returned from leave, so I asked him about it. To which he replied that it was fine and proceeded to ask me if he told me about his new baby boy. Uh, no.

He had the nerve to ask "still lots of love?"

Let's think about this for a second. Uh, no. And I don't think I'll go out of my way to contact him ever again.

*****

I think I need bigger rocks.