31 July 2006

quick update -- LIVE!

Survived the roadmarch only to have problems in class. Talk about sucktastic. If I wasn't really a heat casualty before this place, I definitely would consider myself one now.
*****

So, open mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. The money the MeuAmor got from selling/trading computer parts went to pay for part of his dad's doctor bills. Which he didn't get a chance to tell me because I just went off on him. Oops.

*****

Fuzz failed his GED. He sounded sad about it on the phone. Another 90 days, another test. He's supposed to be studying math in the meantime. I really want him to get this done and over with before we go to Japan and Hong Kong.

*****

So so tired. Shorty today made a comment along the times of "am I the only one that feels like a baby?" We all told her no, she's not the only one. In one of my classes today, I was so tired and so hot that I just cried. Mercenary and Chief questioned it, but that's all it was -- exhaustion. I fully intend to just go back to the barracks and crash tonight.

Seriously, I took about three or four showers today. And it seems like everywhere we go -- class, the barracks, briefings, chow -- is in a freakin' sweat shack.

*****

They check our smallpox vaccination site tomorrow. I can see a big pox under my band aid. I'm actually curious to see what it looks like underneath. The good news is that I don't have to get jabbed another 15 times. The bad news is that I have to wait for the pox to explode.

*****

Not much of anything exciting going on. And not much time to write. Soon I'll be out in the FOB with really no time to write.

Now, if the Dell tech would hurry up and show up to fix my laptop. Then the world would be okay.

28 July 2006

written on 26 July 2006

Everyone is walking around with bandages on their arms that cover our smallpox vaccination site. I feel like a freakin' guiena pig. When all of this shot stuff is done and over with, I'll have had the Hepititis B series twice. But at least I get a free typhoid vaccine on the Army.

*****

More complaining, more bitching, more changes. I'm just rolling with the flow. By now I'm just kind of numb to everything that's going on. Yeah, our conditions aren't the greatest but so what? We're here, and we're getting paid. My only complaint is the lack of communciation between various levels and other all-around personality conflicts, but there's nothing I can do about that. At least my squad leader and my squad are awesome.

My feelings on it all has been that all of this will change in a few hours/days/weeks/months anyways, so why make a fuss about it?

*****

I've been exchanging emails with Sweetheart just about daily since I got here. He's telling me to keep my head up, to "embrace the suck", and to not stop caring about being a good soldier. Which I really do need to hear.

When all of this is said and done with, he will be one of the very few people in my life that really understands what all of this is about.

Part of me still wonders how this deployment will affect my relationship with MeuAmor. There are already so many things that I've choosen not to tell him that I'm really not sure how his reaction to all of that stuff will be.... and his track record of reactions hasn't exactly been the hottest lately. I seriously would not be surprised if this deployment meant the end of the relationship. And days like today, I don't think it would really get to me.

But that's a long, complicated story that should wait until after I've calmed down.

*****

I'm looking at taking my leave either when the cherry trees are blossoming in Japan or for the Chinese New Year in Hong Kong. Fuzz is aiming for the cherry trees blossoming so he can go play all the new video games. I told him not to tell MeuAmor because MeuAmor might just orgasm at the sound of cutting edge technology open to the public.

*****

I just got off the phone with Dragonette, who sounds super excited that we're coming to Hong Kong to see her. Man, I just can't go to Tokyo and not see her while knowing that it's a short flight away!

We were playing phone tag earlier tonight (or this morning, depending on what part of the world you're in!) which always gets a little interesting when you don't speak Cantonese, and you can't understand a thing that is being said on the other end.

I do feel a lot better now that I've talked to her. Gosh, I miss her.

written on 24 July 2006

When I came into the barracks tonight, Shorty was face down on her bunk, clutching an email in her hand. Her face was red, and I really suspect that she was crying. I did ask her if she was okay, and she nodded. A few hours later, she came back from her run and did a few situps. I knew better to ask what was wrong.

Really, it could have been anything.

*****

This stuff is ate-up. Everything. I have never seen so much disorganization. The correct info isn't put out, info is put out when not everyone is present (and it doesn't get passed around), rumors are flying, and policy changes every few hours, which in general it's annoying. Everyone is snap snap snap all the time and all I can think about is if this is going to continue.

So very annoyed.

Can I just skip ahead of all of this?

*****

I am now officially vaccinated against all sorts of nasty bugs. And apparently it was a bad thing to do while I was sick, but I'd rather get this over with now than wait longer. I mean, I'm going to get sick from the shots anyways.

*****

Tired. So very very tired.

I'm really hoping that the doc will give me quarters tomorrow so I can sleep.

written on 23 July 2006

All of this feels like some sort of twisted deja vu. We're in the same block as we were during reclass school, in the same kind of barracks, and on the top floor. I managed to have the same bunk location. LittleBit's area is right next to mine, just like the last time we were up here. And most of the people that were around during reclass are here as well. It's so weird. I keep looking to the corner where Fifi's bunk was, but she's not there. I'm missing her a lot right now.
And no, it still doesn't feel real.

*****

Most of this week will be inprocessing, which means a lot of hurrying up and waiting. Oh joy. But hopefully I'll get a lot of reading done, which would be a good thing.

We're actually supposed to be on an accelerated schedule, as the group that we'll merge with is ahead of us. I'm hearing all sorts of guesses as to what our days are going to be like, how long we'll be here, and other time-related things. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm on the Army's time now and there's not much I can do about that other than go with the flow. We really don't know if we'll have time to go to the computer labs, call home, go to the PX and other personal time stuff. So if I don't update or email, don't freak out. I'm probably just super busy, as things tend to be when you're really not in control of your time.

*****

I just wish that they would turn on the AC in the barracks. It's nasty and icky up there with ten bodies moving around. And not all of us can open our windows since we're missing screens. My window included.

I shouldn't complain too much -- the barracks that we were supposed to be in were much much worse. Brown water coming out of the faucets, no tile on the floor, windows were covered in plastic, and the toilets were not in stalls and were so cramped together that your knees would be able to touch the knees of the person across from you. Oh yes, and we can't forget about the asbestous. Yeah... we have very good people taking care of us that made sure that we had decent living conditions.

We're trying the make the best out of living in an open bay for the next few weeks. We'll still get on each other's nerves, and I'm sure that I'll be writing all about it.

*****

One of the females (who didn't go to reclass) brought a DVD player but no DVDs. She flipped through mine and picked out "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" -- one of my French movies. I'm really hoping that she's not thinking that it's a love story, because it's so not. But I still thought that it was cool that she went ahead and flipped through my discs even after I told her that they were foreign. No one at reclass really showed much interest.

*****

Anyways, stuff to do. Late nights and early mornings make for a long week.

written on 28 July 2006

"Here we go again, marching down the avenue..."

It's starting to feel more real. I'm actually readjusting to this better and faster than what I thought I would. As I told Dragonette the other night on the phone, it feels like I've spent my entire summer up here -- even though I've had a month off of Army stuff.

These days are spent in class for common soldier tasks and finishing up medical inprocessing. I get to teach a class on 9-line MEDEVAC request, which should be short and sweet. This is going to sound strange, but I actually struggle with Army training. Everything is dumbed down to the point of stating the obvious. And I often skip over those steps or forget them. The worst is at the end of a task, when I am asked to state the last step. It's almost always either continue on with what you were doing or wait for further instructions. Well, duh. The sad thing is that some of these obvious things aren't quite-so-obvious for other people.

*****

I'm really starting to like my squad. There's really only one person that I'm having a hard time approaching and talking to, and that's partly because he's never around and partly because he's just so quiet. FratBoy is in my squad, which is always interesting, but in the good way. Chica is our squadleader, which is just awesome. She looks and sounds intimating at first but is so laid back about everything. Mercenary is the assistant, and he has just such a colorful background that it's just very interesting to talk to him and get his insight on things.

The bad thing is that once we get over in country, they're going to split all of us up. And I'm afraid that I'll be stuck with a few certain people that I really don't want to be around.

*****

LittleBit is driving me crazy. She's complaining about everything and anything. Very very negative. And if she's not going on about that, she's going on about her current boytoy. Annoying. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and yell at her "Hey, you idiot! You volunteered for this! We're here to train!"

What I could once take in small doses, I can't take at all.

And it's the not fraternization thing that bothers me -- there is a couple in the unit, but they're very discreet. It's just the fact that she's so loud about everything. Loud and painfully obvious about her technically rule-breaking relationship, loud about her complaints, loud about her problems, loud about her gossip and rumors, loud about the things she doesn't like. I don't think the woman is capable of keeping her mouth shut for a day.

I have noticed that she is not really talking to me, which is potentially a good sign. Let's cross our fingers, shall we? I really don't want to be her battle.

*****

Sweetheart's emails have been very encouraging and uplifting. He's getting word through the grapevine about stuff I haven't even told him about, so I know that the guys on that end are talking as much as we are. Plus he just went through all of this junk, so he understands completely what this is like. If it weren't for him and his very encouraging emails, I'm sure that I would be in more of a depressed funk right now.

*****

Got into another fight with MeuAmor. His money management skills are so horrible that he budgets his money to pay his bills without saving anything or keeping any kind of emergency buffer. Which is fine, until there's an emergency. And as soon as one major item is paid off, he goes and buys another one. So when there's an emergency, he's stuck trading or selling his possesions to pay for the bill.

It's happened on more than one occassion. I've lost count of the number of computers that have been sold to pay for one bill or another. He sold a PS2 that I brought for him, so he could pay a bill. He technically still owes me the money for that, but I'm just going to write it off as a loss.

But, it happened recently. Someone stole his credit card number and used it at the same grocery store chain that he works in, but in a different town. And since they wanted him to prove that he's never been in that town (impossible to do), the credit card company wants him to pay the bill. Only he has no money to pay the bill. So he sold or traded (or something like that) computer parts to take care of it.

The bottom line is that I'm tired of it. I don't care if you're broke -- I'll give the shirt off my back for just about anyone. I do care how you manage what resources -- money included -- that you have. And I'm sorry, but if I'm going to enter a partnership with someone, I want to be absolutely positively sure that they're not just going to spend all my money, ruin my credit, and destroy everything I've worked hard for.

And I really don't feel comfortable becoming engaged to or marrying MeuAmor if this is a serious problem. Because for immigration it's my name, my credit, my future on the line. I'm not established to the point where I could absorb that kind of fallback.

It's not that I don't love him -- I do -- but a partnership, a marriage is much more than love.

On the phone he told me to be sure that I wouldn't regret anything later. Given the options as I see them right now, I'll take the lesser of the two evils. He's getting some time to get his act together, but if it happens again -- I'm gone. And I mean it.

Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

*****

Also, when wearing my battle rattle, I feel like a turtle.

Just thought I would add that in there.

22 July 2006

Quando voce vem? / Onde esta meu amor?

I'm missing MeuAmor today. I talked to him and Mãe on the phone today and yesterday, during my breaks between briefings and other assorted pre-mobilization things. It's good to hear their voices, even if I know that I'm not going to see them for a long time.
Mãe: Quando você vem?
Techno: Não sei.
Mãe: Não sabe?
Techno: Não, não. Eu quero, mas...
Mãe: Mas você não pode.
Techno: Sim.
"Quando você vem?" I hate that question. Not because Mãe is being nosy. (She's not.) But because everytime she asks it, I really do wonder when I'm going to see them. I really don't know when I'll be back on a plane to Brazil. And it sucks, because while I've gotten a chance to spend time with my family here in the States, I haven't had a chance to spend time with them. It's already been nearly a year since I've seen them last.

I miss MeuAmor. And his entire family.

*****
Ela passou do meu lado
Oi, amor - eu lhe falei
Você está tão sozinha
Ela então sorriu pra mim
Foi assim que a conheci
Naquele dia junto ao mar
As ondas vinham beijar a praia
O sol brilhava de tanta emoção
Um rosto lindo como o verão
E um beijo aconteceu

Nos encontramos à noite
Passeamos por aí
E num lugar escondido
Outro beijo lhe pedi
Lua de prata no céu
O brilho das estrelas no chão
Tenho certeza que não sonhava
A noite linda continuava
E a voz tão doce que me falava
O mundo pertence a nós

E hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Não sei onde ela está
Hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Onde está meu amor?
--"Hoje a Noite Não Tem Luar" - Legião Urbana

*****

It's just really hard to see other soldiers with their spouses, significant others, siblings, parents, and other assorted family members without thinking about those that I haven't seen for quite some time, that I'm not going to see for awhile, that don't live anywhere nearby, and on top of everything else, that I have a hard time communicating with due to language barriers.

I keep telling myself that I'll see them soon. And all I can do is cross my all my fingers and toes and hope that it'll be true.

overly optimistic?

Ever look at the world and wonder just what the fuck is wrong with everything?

Why are we fighting? Why are we dying? Why are we bombing each other? Why are we capturing each other? Why are we launching missiles? Why why why?

Just who is "the bad guy"? Who isn't playing fair? Who really has the right to say that they've taken the moral high road?

Why are we such xenophobes? Why can't we reach out and help each other? Why can't we come together and put differences aside?

Why are we so apathetic about it?

Or am I just overly optimistic?

one day

Little boys, water slides, light reflected off of the water.

They don't understand. They can't understand.

And I'm not even going to bother explaining it to them.

One day they'll get it.

20 July 2006

so strange

So strange, to be in the front of a room for a deployment ceremony rather than being in the back playing music to be ignored by.

Still doesn't feel real.

18 July 2006

me? leaving? psssh...

So, tomorrow I leave again for the Big City, but this time I'll be with my unit pretty much from then until I get back from deployment. With the exception of a few leaves, of course.

I haven't done anything to get ready to leave. My room is a mess, I'm not packed, and I definitely don't have a uniform ready for formation.

It just doesn't seem real. I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen, and I don't think I can believe it. It's a bit of a difficult thing to grasp -- going away for such a long time and knowing that I'm not going home until it's all said and done with.

It'll be okay. In the meantime, I really need to get packing.

15 July 2006

it's just life

I stayed an extra day in the Big City, mainly just to spend time with Aunt and my cousins. Now We're (the royal, familial We) is thinking of crashing at Aunt's house again next week. Aunt, Uncle, the four boys, Mom, Dad, Fuzz, Gram, and myself.

Really, I'd rather them not come. I want to just leave. I'm not even leaving for real. Just, training.

I'm seriously considering not coming home for leave. I can't deal with this. They're making a big deal out of everything, and people are going to cry, and I just don't want to deal with it.

I'm tired of dealing with MeuAmor's quiet sadness, the parties, the fuss, the questions. Tired of it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to leave in peace and no one is letting me have that.

I'm not a hero, and this is not hero-worthy material, and this is nothing to be proud about.

This is life.

11 July 2006

packing

I should be packing. Tomorrow I leave for the Big City to do my showdown, so they can collect my duffle and put it in storage. Thrilling.

I don't know. It doesn't feel real yet. When will it?

10 July 2006

medical issues... and deployment

I know, I know, I usually write about people and relationships, but this is just as important as them.

In November 2005, I had an outbreak of shingles which did not get treated with antivirals -- mainly because my doctor thought I had two unrelated problems. For those of you that haven't had shingles, they suck. And if you don't get them treated with antivirals, they suck more. Because then the pox heal and you're left with scarring and pain.

Lots of pain.

And that's what I'm dealing with now. I have good days and I have bad days. My bad days are becoming fewer and fewer and I'd like for them to stay that way. But I'm also going to do as much as I can to help.

I can't take the normal drug cocktail and deploy. This is a choice that I've made, and I'll make it work. So, I'm searching for other things I can do. These include dietary and lifestyle changes as well as adding supplements.

So far, so good. Hopefully, it'll all work out.

06 July 2006

still alive, still doing the civilian thing, still in the States

No, I haven't died. However, I have gone through all of my old posts and removed "real names" to protect the Not So Innocent. It's also a protective measure for myself as well. Just In Case someone decides to do Something Stupid and I get in trouble for a security breach.

Meanwhile, I'm in Nashville with my parents, mooching off of them for awhile. It's more like a weeklong vacation where I get to tag along. Only we're on motorcycles. And we're with a bunch of crazy motorcycle people.

We start for home on Friday, but we won't get there until Sunday night. Monday morning is my doctor's appointment, where I get to plead my case for topical pain relievers. Wish me luck, because I might go crazy without them.

Just a few more weeks. Kind of hard to believe, isn't it? Seems like it's taking forever.