26 July 2007

shotgun wedding

I stumbled upon this quote in the comments section of Funny Mom's Blog
One point I whole-heartedly disagree with is that a wedding belongs to the bride and groom. They think it's their day. Everyone tells them it's their day. Au contraire. It's the day that officially, and dramatically changes the way two families have operated for a long time. It's the day when complications begin, and negotiations get underway for equal time at holidays and other family events. Sure, most of the pictures will be taken of the newly married couple, but the rest of the pictures are those people, your new, larger family and friends who are sizing up the situation and wondering how this will affect them.
And on that note, I'd like to mention my brother is getting married on Sunday. I was told this on Tuesday. I'm guessing that my mother found out Monday.

I'm obviously not going. Truthfully, I'm not even sure if I was formally invited. It's not like anyone else got paper invitations, either. Our grandparents already had plans and won't be attending. Other family members are probably going to be in the same situation. They, at least, have the option of going if they really wanted to. I can't just walk up to my Sergeant Major and ask for a few days off, buy a plane ticket, and fly home.

How hard is it to wait a few more weeks?

23 July 2007

four winds

Dear Army,

Please stop taking my friends away. But thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet them in the first place.

Too bad that once we leave this place we will be scattered to the four winds.

21 July 2007

only two holes

I am moving around slowly, painfully. But it's something, which is better than nothing right now.

When I woke up, the first question I asked was how many holes they cut. Two. My doctor didn't see me for hours afterwards. I laid in bed for hours wondering why there were only two holes. Was it that bad that nothing could be done? Was there anything to be found. What they found was a normal female pelvis. Which means another specialist, more tests.

A male nurse talked to me while I was in the ward. He mentioned how I must be frustrated by now. Apparently there have been ten cases in the last six months of females with pelvic pain but no apparent cause. The end of the road for me may be Mental Health, again.

Frustrated is an understatement.

16 July 2007

this is how the Army works

Sitting at the bus stop, spending our last few minutes together for what will seem like forever, he turns to me and asks "are you going to be alright with me gone?" I have no idea of how to answer him. I think of Driver's long missions, Wolf's rants about privates fresh out of training, Ky's all-night shifts... but I don't mention them. Instead I stutter and stumble over my words. "I'm bummed. It sucks."

What am I supposed to do? Ask him to stay, just for a few more days? Pout? Beg? The Army doesn't work like that. He is needed elsewhere and he will go. I am needed here and I will stay. This is how the Army works. Mission first. Drive on, Soldier, drive on.

12 July 2007

less than sixty days left in a combat zone

Despite the heat, the sun is still setting early here. It's still rather warm but tolerable to be outside. On any given night as Aramis and I walk around our little neighborhood of sorts we'll pass games of sand volleyball, sober karaoke, groups of people doing complicated-looking line dances, some random guy strumming his guitar, smokers milling around outside of buildings, couples huddled around laptops, friends having a good time. It's times like those that makes it easy to forget that yes, I really am in a combat zone.

On the other hand, there are numerous reminders of where I am and why I'm here. A sprawling cavernous tent hospital, complete with its own frequently used helo pad and armory. Drills, alarms, giant voice instructions, body armor and protective masks. Explosions that make me want to crawl under my desk and hide. The occasional metal-metal click of someone reassembling an M16. Weapons in the chow hall, the PX, the gym, the MWR. Sandstorms that stop convoys. Bases that run out of food. And that blasted fence.

I have less than sixty days left in this place. It's both nice and strange to be able to say that.

08 July 2007

this is definitely not nothing

I feel like a ping pong ball being bounced around different sections of Troop Medical Care and the hospital. Come in, see this provider, have these tests done. Tests and labs come back negative. Return with no improvement, see a different provider that refers you to a specialist. Specialist can't narrow it down, another referral, another specialist, another appointment.

No one has given me any answers. I have no active infections, no cysts, no fibroids, no stones, no abnormalities that they can see. I am taking Percocet for pain. Exploratory surgery has been mentioned. Endometriosis has been hinted at. I don't know what is going on with my own body

I am scared.

04 July 2007

Independence Day

From the preamble of the Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain Inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.
Most of us know these words. But what do they mean?

"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness" are considered to be the unalienable (or inalienable) rights that we are all entitled to, can also be considered as natural, universal rights that are not dependent upon actions or beliefs. All of us. The entire human race -- not just Americans.

Life is an obvious one. We all have the right to live, for better or worse. Some choose to grow and better their lives and the lives or people around them, some could best be described as stagnant, and still others have a negative impact on this world.

Liberty, or freedom, is the ability to act according to one's own will. Free thought, free speech, free movement, freedom of religion, freedom of press. The government will not tell you what to say, think, what to do for a living, or even who to pray to. But remember, as Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. so aptly states it: "the right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." So yes, feel free to do as you please, as long as it does not violate someone else's rights or the law.

The pursuit of Happiness. This can be interpreted in a few ways. There's the search for emotional fulfillment, or literally being happy. Things like getting married, having children, owning property, or even pursuing a hobby could fit into that category. And there's also Justice Miller's definition in BUTCHERS' UNION CO. v. CRESCENT CITY CO., 111 U.S. 746 (1884):
Among these inalienable rights, as proclaimed in that great document, is the right of men to pursue their happiness, by which is meant the right to pursue any lawful business or vocation, in any manner not inconsistent with the equal rights of others, which may increase their prosperity or develop their faculties, so as to give to them their highest enjoyment.
We are very fortunate to have a government and a society that is deeply ingrained in this philosophy. Most of us probably also take it for granted.

Our laws are not based upon religious laws or norms. American women can both own and drive their own cars. American women can also travel freely to most parts of the world, without consent or escort of their husband, father, or brother. No one is forced to dress, to maintain their personal appearance a certain way. Vices like alcohol are not banned by the federal government. These days, no civilian goes to jail just for being homosexual. You have the right to freely and openly practice whatever religion you choose to practice without fear of being killed or hauled away by authorities -- as long as no one is hurt and laws are not broken.

We are not forced to live out caste-based lives. You are not destined to a life of living in slums and scrubbing toilets just because that's what your parents did. You do not have to worry that the only opportunity that your children will have is based on working fields or in the factories just because of the color of their skin or where they're from. One of the ideals of America, Land of Opportunity, is that if you work hard enough, you'll be rewarded. That opportunity is not always found in other corners of the world.

We have the right and the ability to complain, and to hopefully make things better. We choose those who represent us in our government. We have a say in the laws that govern our state and country.

We are very fortunate. Don't ever forget this.

03 July 2007

please, be nothing

Frustration is going to Urgent Care in pain to be told to take your medication, take Motrin, drink water, and go back to work. Or having a provider hint that everything might be caused by constipation. Or fighting busy signals for a week to schedule an appointment.

Meanwhile, I'm reluctantly taking Percocet and cutting evenings short with friends so I can lay doped up in my bunk for some relief from the pain.

All of my tests so far have been negative.

We're all hoping it's nothing serious.