written on 10 August 2006

Hipster is over again, visiting EnglishProf. He's much better at cheering her up than I am. But apparently I'm more convincing to the chow hall staff when we ask for a hot plate to bring back to her. There are just too many steps on this post.

Tomorrow is our first day in the FOB. We're only going for training, but later this week we'll be out in the field full-time for awhile. Don't expect any updates for a long time. I still haven't decided if I'm going to take my laptop -- it's heavy, it needs charged often, and we're not supposed to have a lot of free time. And really, we'll be in field conditions. I'd rather keep all of the gunk out of my laptop. We'll see.

I'm really not sure how I feel about all the time that we're supposed to be out in the FOB. A lot of this training won't apply to what we'll be doing in country, and none of the culture training is geared to what we need. And the living/chow conditions definitely won't apply. Please, just teach me how to do my job. My job does not involve hand grenades -- please show me the paperwork and regulations that I need to familiarize myself with. And pass the lobster, please.

*****

Chica brought her camera and thumbdrive down so I could transfer pictures for her. We discovered some of the reclass school pictures, but what looks like those from Memorial Day and after. Twig and Pablo, the admin girls out at the club, the cookout, and Jazzman's birthday cake.
There are times when I kick myself for complaining about school.

*****

Fifi is getting ready to move out. I thought she was gone already, but I got lucky with my email. Her daughter -- the pregnant one -- is upset with her, saying that she was a bad mom and that she was never there for her and blablablah which, understandably, has made Fifi really upset. I hear it in her voice every time I call. It's been the same tone since we all left school.
I worry about her. I miss her.

*****

There's a concert in the process that we're not allowed to go to or even be seen around. We can't even look at that part of post. Something about not wanting to give a bad impression. Which is good in a way, because we had to be back at the barracks way earlier than normal and stay here for the rest of the night. It could be worse. Another early night for another early morning. If I can sleep through the freakin' bass drum. I may have to close some windows.

There's another this weekend. I mean, I know the base needs money, but having concerts at a training installation where the soldiers themselves are not allowed to go to the concerts and where their sleep is disrupted by the noise is a little annoying.

I think I may be taking pictures and otherwise documenting this stuff, because this place is seriously ate up. Where is all of the money going? Why are there soldiers sleeping in asbestous-filled barracks from World War 2?

*****

My pain management plan hasn't been working out well. I'm eating foods that I know that I shouldn't be eating, I'm wearing my patches during the day (rather than at night), and I am really struggling to keep my stress level down. Probably because I'm not sure if it's physical or mental stress. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

It's still managable, but sometimes I wonder if I'll still be able to keep it all under control.
But at least the Chaplain told me that I'm perfectly normal.

*****

My cousins sent me some mail -- the envelope was covered in stickers from the movie Cars. I officially have my first little kid scribble drawing. Too bad that I don't have a place to hang it up. The eldest wrote, asking if I'm having fun and what am I learning and stuff like that. Now the challange is to think about what I've actually learned (what have I learned, again?) and put it into terms that he can understand. Without using scary words like war or death.

But still! Little kid scribbles!!

hug -- August 8

I don't even know where to start.

Yesterday was another bad day. Is it because everything is finally sinking in? Is it because it's been a year exactly since I've visited MeuAmor and his family? Is it because I'm PMSing and I don't realize it?

I don't know. It could be anything.

The day started off with the slowest PAP smear I've ever had and ended with me moving both my own bedding and EnglishProf's bedding to the downstairs bay while waiting for them to bring EnglishProf back from the hospital. Long day, no matter how you look at it.

My coach pulled me off the firing line. I didn't qualify. Five full magazines were returned to the ammo point. It's a long story that I don't feel like telling, and every time I tell someone it just sounds more and more stupid. But it's not stupid, I'm not the only person that has had that kind of reaction, and I know that.

EnglishProf's story is shorter. She was coming off the firing line after night fire, felt sleepy, and slipped down the wooden stairs -- weapon, helmet, body armor and all. They took her away in an ambulance. She came back on crutches and with an air cast. We set up camp in the lower bay, where there's a handicap-accessible bathroom and showers. It's only the two of us.

Her boyfriend is visiting now, which is hopefully lifting her spirits. I'm trying to sit on my bunk and be invisible. All I can hear is the sound of their voices as they talk to each other. I like him, and I'm happy for her. Especially since he is able to be here with her right now.

I still want that hug.

a lua me chama -- August 4

"A lua me chama, chama..."

I looked up at the stars last night and immediately picked out the Big Dipper, or rather, Ursa Major in the sky between barracks. I was surprised at how big it was, and realized that this was a sign that I had seen it one too many times on the dome at work if I really thought it was a small constellation. My summer night sky constellation finding-skills suck, and I don't have my constellation book with me.

I've also been watching the moon go through it's phases, noting both it's position in the sky and the position of the sun in respect to the moon. I should be logging this stuff somewhere, but I'm trying to figure it out in my head in the meantime. Did you know that the only way that the Earth goes through phases when viewed from the moon was if you were to actually get up and move? Yeah, I thought it was pretty interesting too.

Too bad that the base I'll be on will probably have light pollution problems. Otherwise it'd be an awesome sky to look up at.

*****

Written by MeuAmor roughly a year ago:

Oi amor, estou escrevendo isto aqui pra você para lhe dizer que sinto muito sua falta quando você não está, sinto muito sua falta quando eu tenho aquelas noites em que estamos pensando um no outro e não estamos perto... Você sabe, eu estou pensando muito em você mas isto não tem como ficar melhor, você e tudo de bom que um homem poderia querer, então não se esqueca nunca que eu te amo muito e que eu nunca vou te deixar sozinha, não importa o problema que você tenha!! I love you baby!!!! *smwah*

*****

I don't know. I think I need more sleep.

written on August 4

Road march #2 in the morning. I'm absolutely exhausted, so I stayed home from the library tonight to get ready for the march and go to bed early. I'm all moleskinned, taped, and loaded up for the march tomorrow which is definitely a good sign.

Since I'm on the Profile of Doom I can't march and carry a load of 48 pounds. So instead of wearing all of my gear tomorrow morning, I'm only wearing part of it. The heavist, most constricting part of it: my body armor. Chica said that even if I need to take it off in the middle of the march that I'll at least have started to acclimate myself to it. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can go for three miles with all of that extra weight. No other choice, though. Drive on, soldier, drive on.

Getting ready for a road march is always interesting. And it's so different for everyone. I'm considered a heat casualty and all of my gear is marked with red so that I stand out in a group of soldiers. That was taken care of days ago and I haven't messed with it since. But it does mean that my Camelback is filled with sports drink diluted in water. I also carry a few snacks to eat in a cargo pocket on my person. (We don't eat breakfast until after the march.) And then, my feet. Oh my goodness, my feet. Moleskin and toe seperators galore. I've been taping the moleskin down to make it stay in place. Sometimes I remember foot powder, sometimes I don't. Luckily the boots I'm wearing are already broken in and have civilian insoles in them, so they're a bit more comfortable. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do for my knee in the morning -- maybe some of the miracle green goo. The other leg -- you know, the one affected by shingles and PHN -- already has licodaine patches on it, taped down, naturally. In the morning, I'll put my hair up and then pull on my uniform, boots, and body armor and roll out the door.

And then walk for forever and a half. Nothing to it, really!

It should be fine. Just another BS thing to get through before leaving this place.

quick update

I totally made the First Sergeant's computer my bitch and am in the process of making a database to make everyone's lives much easier. We were inputting soldier data in Excel, but each soldier was saved as a seperate Excel file. Seriously, I was inputting in Excel like a good (dumb) soldier and was just shuddering. It took me about an hour to set up the database without sketching it out beforehand.

Afterwards, the First Sergeant let me know through the wonderful chain of command that he wants me to show him how to use it. So I scored brownie points, majorly.

*****

Sweetheart emailed. He's alright, just super busy. Which I can definitely understand. Just worry when I don't hear from him for days on end and then hear about an attack on his group.

This will be a part of life for awhile.

*****

It's been a year since I've seen MeuAmor and his family. It feels so much more longer than that.
Can I get on the plane to Hong Kong now?

just another number

I called a very confused MeuAmor last night, who was out with friends. I heard all of them in the background chatting animatedly in Portuguese, with his voice floating on top, speaking in English to me. Too bad our barracks is the black hole of cell phone reception -- he didn't understand what I was saying. When he asked me this morning, I had lost the words in Portuguese and was too embarassed to say them in English. I still owe him an explanation.

In the van today, LittleBit asked if I was okay and told me that if I wanted to talk about anything I could. I know that she's trying to help out, I know that she'll keep certain things to herself, but there are some things that she just doesn't need to know. I'd much rather talk to Nerd or EnglishProf or Fifi about them anyways. Not like I really have any pressing issues -- I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm lonely, and I really just want a hug.

I mean, I even thought about walking up to JazzMan or Fratboy today and asking one of them. But I was too worried about being called out on fraternization. So I won't do it and I won't ask.
Look, it was just a bad day.

*****

And, the daily pox update: the big white blister has started to ooze. It's kind of gross looking. We're all walking around the barracks with one sleeve rolled up and our pox exposed to the world. All in the name of trying to air it out.

Yesterday, when we had a drug test at o'dark-thirty in the morning, our acting first sergent was walking around with his exposed telling everyone "I'm airing my pox out" and "don't make me rub my pox on you!" Only at o'dark-thirty, pox doesn't sound like pox at all. I'll let you figure that one out.

That's just as bad me saying "small girl, big cot" in a supply room full of dirty old men.

*****

Another lazy day today. We went to get our first issue for this deployment. A set of DCU gortex wet weather gear, a pair of desert boots, several polypro sets (are we really going to need these in the desert??), and body armor. Which means that I now offically have something with each of the three camo patterns in use by the Army today. Most of my stuff is still the "traditional" woodland green pattern, but we're slowly transitioning away from that. Hopefully our next issue will include our new universal pattern uniforms.

That body armor, though. Wow. Just wow. It's very heavy. There is actually a handle just behind the neck. I'm not sure why it's there -- if it's just to carry the armor or to help move people/bodies around -- but whoever put it there is a freaking genius. All of my other gear will go over the body armor. Talk about heavy.

*****

Days like this are days where I just really feel like a toy soldier. Pull me out of my bunk early in the morning, make sure I eat breakfast, stand me in line to play the hurry up and wait game, have me do my job, and then put me back in my bunk when The Man is too busy. Pull me back out of my bunk when we can all do something productive. Repeat as needed.

When you look around on this post, you see blocks and blocks of barracks. Barracks that all hold bunks that hold soldiers. Like boxes of toys.

It's so easy to feel like just another number here.

eek -- LIVE

Also, no email from Sweetheart saying if he's okay.

So very worried about him right now.

bad day -- LIVE

I'm having a bad day. And not for any real reason, either. I don't have problems at home, I'm getting paid okay, and I have a good support structure both here and at home.

I did have a flare today, my knee hurts from yesterday, no one got much sleep, and I've felt like a little toy soldierette all day. Maybe I just need sleep.

I want to be held, to be touched, to be told that everything is going to be okay and that I'll get through this alright. I want to be told that I'll be safe from both friendly and opposing forces while I'm overseas. I want to stop wondering if I got on the wrong plane.

Today I really wanted to be in Brazil. I thought about calling MeuAmor's house just to talk to his sister, to say "Eu não estou bem hoje e eu não sei por que. Eu quero estar ai, em Brasil, com vocês. Eu quero comer os churros e os chokitos, eu quero beber guaraná. Hoje, eu não quero estar aqui, eu não gosto desse lugar..."

I just need to remember that everyone has their bad days. That this will hit everyone at some point or another, and that we'll all deal with it differently. That this too shall pass.

*****

Today was wasted in the TMC so I could have a doctor look at my knee. I kid you not, I was there from 0830 to 1530 -- most of that spent waiting for my turn. The good point is that my doc is absolutely awesome and remembered me from my last visit. The bad point is that I'm on profile for two weeks, which means no running, no jumping, no ruck marches, no alternate aerobic physical fitness test requirement. And while I feel really bad about that, I know that I did the right thing by going in.

The boys teased me, of course. I'm trying to not let it get to me, but I did have to tell a few of them to shut up and leave me alone. That whole bad day thing kicking in.

*****

This morning, I called Bossman just as PhysicsGeek walked in the door. So I got to talk to both of them, which was very nice. I'm missing them and missing work and missing everything normal right now. Plus, Bossman is just awesome as both a friend and a boss.

I'm crossing all of my fingers and toes that his plane will be fixed by the time I get leave (if I get leave). I'd love to go for a ride, if he'd take me.

I so need a break. Or mail. Take your pick.

oops -- LIVE

"Hey Techno, watch out for that ditch!!"

Yeah.... I got so excited that the Dell guy was here to replace my motherboard that I tripped crossing a ditch that I probably cross twenty times a day, sending my Kelvar helmet rolling across the road and putting me about eye level with a government van that was probably not even 100 meters down the road. Talk about scary.

The good part is that I only scraped up my knee and thumb. Nothing else was broken or torn. Yay me!

The bad part is that I will forever be teased. FOREVER.

On the other hand, when I did battle drills today, I hit the ground so hard that both my helmet and glasses fell off. But at least I didn't hurt myself.

And just in case you were wondering, yes, my laptop is all happy now. We're going to celebrate by playing WarCraft, naturally.

*****

Smallpox bandage got changed and it's a big white blister that I really want to pop. It itches like crazy -- probably just as bad as my shingles itched. And that was not pleasant at all. At least this is only on my arm.

We're supposed to change the bandage everyday, and throw the used bandaids in a biohazard bag. Highly contagious stuff. Kinda gross and scary. And we're all living in close quarters... and the Army is all like "eh, whatever!"

Uhh... Okay then. Good thing the Army is not supposed to make sense.

*****

Some serious shit happened to the artillary boys. I don't know if Sweetheart was affected, he hasn't emailed. Twig mentioned it either this morning or last night, I can't remember. Just hope that each and every one of them is okay.

The news is hard to watch when you know someone that goes in and out of the wire everyday. He says it's his job, to not worry, but, I do.

quick update -- LIVE!

Survived the roadmarch only to have problems in class. Talk about sucktastic. If I wasn't really a heat casualty before this place, I definitely would consider myself one now.

*****

So, open mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. The money the MeuAmor got from selling/trading computer parts went to pay for part of his dad's doctor bills. Which he didn't get a chance to tell me because I just went off on him. Oops.

*****

Fuzz failed his GED. He sounded sad about it on the phone. Another 90 days, another test. He's supposed to be studying math in the meantime. I really want him to get this done and over with before we go to Japan and Hong Kong.

*****

So so tired. Shorty today made a comment along the times of "am I the only one that feels like a baby?" We all told her no, she's not the only one. In one of my classes today, I was so tired and so hot that I just cried. Mercenary and Chief questioned it, but that's all it was -- exhaustion. I fully intend to just go back to the barracks and crash tonight.

Seriously, I took about three or four showers today. And it seems like everywhere we go -- class, the barracks, briefings, chow -- is in a freakin' sweat shack.

*****

They check our smallpox vaccination site tomorrow. I can see a big pox under my band aid. I'm actually curious to see what it looks like underneath. The good news is that I don't have to get jabbed another 15 times. The bad news is that I have to wait for the pox to explode.

*****

Not much of anything exciting going on. And not much time to write. Soon I'll be out in the FOB with really no time to write.

Now, if the Dell tech would hurry up and show up to fix my laptop. Then the world would be okay.

written on 26 July 2006

Everyone is walking around with bandages on their arms that cover our smallpox vaccination site. I feel like a freakin' guiena pig. When all of this shot stuff is done and over with, I'll have had the Hepititis B series twice. But at least I get a free typhoid vaccine on the Army.

*****

More complaining, more bitching, more changes. I'm just rolling with the flow. By now I'm just kind of numb to everything that's going on. Yeah, our conditions aren't the greatest but so what? We're here, and we're getting paid. My only complaint is the lack of communciation between various levels and other all-around personality conflicts, but there's nothing I can do about that. At least my squad leader and my squad are awesome.

My feelings on it all has been that all of this will change in a few hours/days/weeks/months anyways, so why make a fuss about it?

*****

I've been exchanging emails with Sweetheart just about daily since I got here. He's telling me to keep my head up, to "embrace the suck", and to not stop caring about being a good soldier. Which I really do need to hear.

When all of this is said and done with, he will be one of the very few people in my life that really understands what all of this is about.

Part of me still wonders how this deployment will affect my relationship with MeuAmor. There are already so many things that I've choosen not to tell him that I'm really not sure how his reaction to all of that stuff will be.... and his track record of reactions hasn't exactly been the hottest lately. I seriously would not be surprised if this deployment meant the end of the relationship. And days like today, I don't think it would really get to me.

But that's a long, complicated story that should wait until after I've calmed down.

*****

I'm looking at taking my leave either when the cherry trees are blossoming in Japan or for the Chinese New Year in Hong Kong. Fuzz is aiming for the cherry trees blossoming so he can go play all the new video games. I told him not to tell MeuAmor because MeuAmor might just orgasm at the sound of cutting edge technology open to the public.

*****

I just got off the phone with Dragonette, who sounds super excited that we're coming to Hong Kong to see her. Man, I just can't go to Tokyo and not see her while knowing that it's a short flight away!

We were playing phone tag earlier tonight (or this morning, depending on what part of the world you're in!) which always gets a little interesting when you don't speak Cantonese, and you can't understand a thing that is being said on the other end.

I do feel a lot better now that I've talked to her. Gosh, I miss her.

written on 24 July 2006

When I came into the barracks tonight, Shorty was face down on her bunk, clutching an email in her hand. Her face was red, and I really suspect that she was crying. I did ask her if she was okay, and she nodded. A few hours later, she came back from her run and did a few situps. I knew better to ask what was wrong.

Really, it could have been anything.

*****

This stuff is ate-up. Everything. I have never seen so much disorganization. The correct info isn't put out, info is put out when not everyone is present (and it doesn't get passed around), rumors are flying, and policy changes every few hours, which in general it's annoying. Everyone is snap snap snap all the time and all I can think about is if this is going to continue.

So very annoyed.

Can I just skip ahead of all of this?

*****

I am now officially vaccinated against all sorts of nasty bugs. And apparently it was a bad thing to do while I was sick, but I'd rather get this over with now than wait longer. I mean, I'm going to get sick from the shots anyways.

*****

Tired. So very very tired.

I'm really hoping that the doc will give me quarters tomorrow so I can sleep.

written on 23 July 2006

All of this feels like some sort of twisted deja vu. We're in the same block as we were during reclass school, in the same kind of barracks, and on the top floor. I managed to have the same bunk location. LittleBit's area is right next to mine, just like the last time we were up here. And most of the people that were around during reclass are here as well. It's so weird. I keep looking to the corner where Fifi's bunk was, but she's not there. I'm missing her a lot right now.
And no, it still doesn't feel real.

*****

Most of this week will be inprocessing, which means a lot of hurrying up and waiting. Oh joy. But hopefully I'll get a lot of reading done, which would be a good thing.

We're actually supposed to be on an accelerated schedule, as the group that we'll merge with is ahead of us. I'm hearing all sorts of guesses as to what our days are going to be like, how long we'll be here, and other time-related things. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm on the Army's time now and there's not much I can do about that other than go with the flow. We really don't know if we'll have time to go to the computer labs, call home, go to the PX and other personal time stuff. So if I don't update or email, don't freak out. I'm probably just super busy, as things tend to be when you're really not in control of your time.

*****

I just wish that they would turn on the AC in the barracks. It's nasty and icky up there with ten bodies moving around. And not all of us can open our windows since we're missing screens. My window included.

I shouldn't complain too much -- the barracks that we were supposed to be in were much much worse. Brown water coming out of the faucets, no tile on the floor, windows were covered in plastic, and the toilets were not in stalls and were so cramped together that your knees would be able to touch the knees of the person across from you. Oh yes, and we can't forget about the asbestous. Yeah... we have very good people taking care of us that made sure that we had decent living conditions.

We're trying the make the best out of living in an open bay for the next few weeks. We'll still get on each other's nerves, and I'm sure that I'll be writing all about it.

*****

One of the females (who didn't go to reclass) brought a DVD player but no DVDs. She flipped through mine and picked out "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" -- one of my French movies. I'm really hoping that she's not thinking that it's a love story, because it's so not. But I still thought that it was cool that she went ahead and flipped through my discs even after I told her that they were foreign. No one at reclass really showed much interest.

*****

Anyways, stuff to do. Late nights and early mornings make for a long week.

written on 28 July 2006

"Here we go again, marching down the avenue..."

It's starting to feel more real. I'm actually readjusting to this better and faster than what I thought I would. As I told Dragonette the other night on the phone, it feels like I've spent my entire summer up here -- even though I've had a month off of Army stuff.

These days are spent in class for common soldier tasks and finishing up medical inprocessing. I get to teach a class on 9-line MEDEVAC request, which should be short and sweet. This is going to sound strange, but I actually struggle with Army training. Everything is dumbed down to the point of stating the obvious. And I often skip over those steps or forget them. The worst is at the end of a task, when I am asked to state the last step. It's almost always either continue on with what you were doing or wait for further instructions. Well, duh. The sad thing is that some of these obvious things aren't quite-so-obvious for other people.

*****

I'm really starting to like my squad. There's really only one person that I'm having a hard time approaching and talking to, and that's partly because he's never around and partly because he's just so quiet. FratBoy is in my squad, which is always interesting, but in the good way. Chica is our squadleader, which is just awesome. She looks and sounds intimating at first but is so laid back about everything. Mercenary is the assistant, and he has just such a colorful background that it's just very interesting to talk to him and get his insight on things.

The bad thing is that once we get over in country, they're going to split all of us up. And I'm afraid that I'll be stuck with a few certain people that I really don't want to be around.

*****

LittleBit is driving me crazy. She's complaining about everything and anything. Very very negative. And if she's not going on about that, she's going on about her current boytoy. Annoying. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and yell at her "Hey, you idiot! You volunteered for this! We're here to train!"

What I could once take in small doses, I can't take at all.

And it's the not fraternization thing that bothers me -- there is a couple in the unit, but they're very discreet. It's just the fact that she's so loud about everything. Loud and painfully obvious about her technically rule-breaking relationship, loud about her complaints, loud about her problems, loud about her gossip and rumors, loud about the things she doesn't like. I don't think the woman is capable of keeping her mouth shut for a day.

I have noticed that she is not really talking to me, which is potentially a good sign. Let's cross our fingers, shall we? I really don't want to be her battle.

*****

Sweetheart's emails have been very encouraging and uplifting. He's getting word through the grapevine about stuff I haven't even told him about, so I know that the guys on that end are talking as much as we are. Plus he just went through all of this junk, so he understands completely what this is like. If it weren't for him and his very encouraging emails, I'm sure that I would be in more of a depressed funk right now.

*****

Got into another fight with MeuAmor. His money management skills are so horrible that he budgets his money to pay his bills without saving anything or keeping any kind of emergency buffer. Which is fine, until there's an emergency. And as soon as one major item is paid off, he goes and buys another one. So when there's an emergency, he's stuck trading or selling his possesions to pay for the bill.

It's happened on more than one occassion. I've lost count of the number of computers that have been sold to pay for one bill or another. He sold a PS2 that I brought for him, so he could pay a bill. He technically still owes me the money for that, but I'm just going to write it off as a loss.

But, it happened recently. Someone stole his credit card number and used it at the same grocery store chain that he works in, but in a different town. And since they wanted him to prove that he's never been in that town (impossible to do), the credit card company wants him to pay the bill. Only he has no money to pay the bill. So he sold or traded (or something like that) computer parts to take care of it.

The bottom line is that I'm tired of it. I don't care if you're broke -- I'll give the shirt off my back for just about anyone. I do care how you manage what resources -- money included -- that you have. And I'm sorry, but if I'm going to enter a partnership with someone, I want to be absolutely positively sure that they're not just going to spend all my money, ruin my credit, and destroy everything I've worked hard for.

And I really don't feel comfortable becoming engaged to or marrying MeuAmor if this is a serious problem. Because for immigration it's my name, my credit, my future on the line. I'm not established to the point where I could absorb that kind of fallback.

It's not that I don't love him -- I do -- but a partnership, a marriage is much more than love.

On the phone he told me to be sure that I wouldn't regret anything later. Given the options as I see them right now, I'll take the lesser of the two evils. He's getting some time to get his act together, but if it happens again -- I'm gone. And I mean it.

Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

*****

Also, when wearing my battle rattle, I feel like a turtle.

Just thought I would add that in there.

Quando voce vem? / Onde esta meu amor?

I'm missing MeuAmor today. I talked to him and Mãe on the phone today and yesterday, during my breaks between briefings and other assorted pre-mobilization things. It's good to hear their voices, even if I know that I'm not going to see them for a long time.

Mãe: Quando você vem?
Techno: Não sei.
Mãe: Não sabe?
Techno: Não, não. Eu quero, mas...
Mãe: Mas você não pode.
Techno: Sim.

"Quando você vem?" I hate that question. Not because Mãe is being nosy. (She's not.) But because everytime she asks it, I really do wonder when I'm going to see them. I really don't know when I'll be back on a plane to Brazil. And it sucks, because while I've gotten a chance to spend time with my family here in the States, I haven't had a chance to spend time with them. It's already been nearly a year since I've seen them last.

I miss MeuAmor. And his entire family.

*****

Ela passou do meu lado
Oi, amor - eu lhe falei
Você está tão sozinha
Ela então sorriu pra mim
Foi assim que a conheci
Naquele dia junto ao mar
As ondas vinham beijar a praia
O sol brilhava de tanta emoção
Um rosto lindo como o verão
E um beijo aconteceu

Nos encontramos à noite
Passeamos por aí
E num lugar escondido
Outro beijo lhe pedi
Lua de prata no céu
O brilho das estrelas no chão
Tenho certeza que não sonhava
A noite linda continuava
E a voz tão doce que me falava
O mundo pertence a nós

E hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Não sei onde ela está
Hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Onde está meu amor?

--"Hoje a Noite Não Tem Luar" - Legião Urbana

*****

It's just really hard to see other soldiers with their spouses, significant others, siblings, parents, and other assorted family members without thinking about those that I haven't seen for quite some time, that I'm not going to see for awhile, that don't live anywhere nearby, and on top of everything else, that I have a hard time communicating with due to language barriers.

I keep telling myself that I'll see them soon. And all I can do is cross my all my fingers and toes and hope that it'll be true.

overly optimistic?

Ever look at the world and wonder just what the fuck is wrong with everything?

Why are we fighting? Why are we dying? Why are we bombing each other? Why are we capturing each other? Why are we launching missiles? Why why why?

Just who is "the bad guy"? Who isn't playing fair? Who really has the right to say that they've taken the moral high road?

Why are we such xenophobes? Why can't we reach out and help each other? Why can't we come together and put differences aside?

Why are we so apathetic about it?

Or am I just overly optimistic?

one day

Little boys, water slides, light reflected off of the water.

They don't understand. They can't understand.

And I'm not even going to bother explaining it to them.

One day they'll get it.

so strange

So strange, to be in the front of a room for a deployment ceremony rather than being in the back playing music to be ignored by.

Still doesn't feel real.

me? leaving? psssh...

So, tomorrow I leave again for the Big City, but this time I'll be with my unit pretty much from then until I get back from deployment. With the exception of a few leaves, of course.

I haven't done anything to get ready to leave. My room is a mess, I'm not packed, and I definitely don't have a uniform ready for formation.

It just doesn't seem real. I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen, and I don't think I can believe it. It's a bit of a difficult thing to grasp -- going away for such a long time and knowing that I'm not going home until it's all said and done with.

It'll be okay. In the meantime, I really need to get packing.

it's just life

I stayed an extra day in the Big City, mainly just to spend time with Aunt and my cousins. Now We're (the royal, familial We) is thinking of crashing at Aunt's house again next week. Aunt, Uncle, the four boys, Mom, Dad, Fuzz, Gram, and myself.

Really, I'd rather them not come. I want to just leave. I'm not even leaving for real. Just, training.

I'm seriously considering not coming home for leave. I can't deal with this. They're making a big deal out of everything, and people are going to cry, and I just don't want to deal with it.

I'm tired of dealing with MeuAmor's quiet sadness, the parties, the fuss, the questions. Tired of it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to leave in peace and no one is letting me have that.

I'm not a hero, and this is not hero-worthy material, and this is nothing to be proud about.

This is life.