Big Buddha

And finally, the Big Buddha himself.

going up!

Dragonette, her brother and I took the Sky Car up to the Big Buddha. Earlier we were calling it car of the sky (which I misheard as "cow in the sky") and cable car. There were signs and people everywhere telling us that it was foggy so visibility would be limited. Beautiful view, even with all of the rain.

my view from Big Buddha

I know that I said ages ago that I would probably never post pictures, but I think it's time to make some changes. Besides, with a view like this who can resist sharing?

going on an adventure... from my adventure

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain

For me the time has come for the most coveted thing by Army personnel in these parts: R&R leave. I am going to have the time of my life (or at least my year). And yet, I'm not going home... Driver isn't coming with me... So what could be so exciting?

I'm going to China. Hong Kong, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen. Dragonette, water (and lots of it!), ancestor worship, and green tea ice cream. Need I say more?

So many of my comrades are going home. Some have children, some are married. Myself? I don't have either, so why bother? Yes, I miss my family. I haven't seen my immediate family and coworkers since September, my baby cousins since July. But I will see them once I get home. Going home for leave is easy. Going to a foreign country is much more difficult in regards to the legwork, the research, the paperwork, and the emotional factor of those near and dear to me, but in the long run it will be more rewarding. Besides, a free plane ticket to just about anywhere in the world? Sign me up!

I need an adventure from my adventure anyways.

WTF?

Twig's oh-so-wonderful exaggeration prowess landed me a negative counseling statement after I've started to move out of the quad. WTF, mate?

Seriously, dirty laundry on the floor? Uh, no.

(Is it bad when I've started to refer to her as The Bitch?)

question that I'm tired of answering

"Are you okay?" is a question that I'm tired of answering.

Participation in a four day outpatient program, a visit to the hospital, and constant visits to mental health do not spell out okay for me.

So ready to go on leave.

confession

Instructor: "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?"
Techno: "Yes."
Instructor: "When?"
Techno: "When I had the reaction to the medication."

I finally found out what happens when you answer yes.

pain

The sailor that sat in front of me today has the word "pain" etched into his forearm. Every time he stretches back and clasps his hands behind his head, the word jumps out at me.

They asked me why I'm in the class. I don't know. Just like I don't know why I was put on the medication and why I had such a bad reaction to it. They asked me what I had done. Oh let my count the ways... thrown my camera bag with roughly $2000 worth of gear in it, hit Wolf in my sleep, sleeping way too much, growled at Driver and friends, cry cry cry. Does that count as an answer?

I'm feeling better, but I still hurt. "Pain" is not etched into my forehead.

vacation?

I've heard three different opinions on what caused the adverse reaction to the medication, including one that stated it wasn't the medication at all. I don't know what to think. All I know is that was absolutely terrifying and I don't want a repeat performance. The doc agreed to not start me on anything new until after I come back from leave.

In the meantime... I have an outpatient session to go to for the rest of the week. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if it'll help, I don't know if this is something I really want to do. Everyone says it will help, I've already been signed up, so all I have to do is show up. I don't even have to be in uniform, and I don't have to stay in my own barracks.

Still, nervous. Scared, even. It's way past my bedtime and I'd wide awake, thoughts racing. Driver is on a mission. Wolf is at his new duty station. Friends need/want to sleep. I'm scared and I want some comfort. I want to be okay.

now what?

Last night I stared at the ceiling of a tent hospital, wishing the itching and the shaking would just stop.

Apparently I'm allegeric to the medication that was intended to help me.

Now what?

Breakfast

Driver: "I'm going to have the guys call and check on you."
Techno: *shrugs* "Okay."
Driver: "Do you want to go to Circle or to the movies with CrazyChick?"
Techno: *raises an eyebrow* "I thought you were leaving?"
Driver: "I am, but I talked to a bunch of people last night... and told them that you're having a bad week."

Sometimes, I hate his job.

note for the doctor

Note from Driver to my Mental Health doc.

Ma'am:

SPC Techno has had a bad week. It will be hard to tell why. She has been crying a lot lately. I asked her "why?" and her response has been "nothing." I say she doesn't and does want to go home. I mean everybody wants to go home. She goes from doesn't give a shit to crying to happy to crying and sometimes to bitch mode. Mostly from doesn't give a shit to crying and back. I wish I could be there with her but I got missions. Techno is a sweet smart woman. She has a future. She tries her best. But not to be mean.. she gets upset sometime easily. She tells me when she is crying that she doesn't know why she is crying. She doesn't want to cry but she doesn't then she get mad at herself for crying. I can get her to laugh and smile but as soon as I stop she gets all sad again. It might be because of her period. Oh, she is always looking tired. She gets enough sleep. I don't know why. She also been lying to you! Please her!

Thank you,
PFC Driver

I leave for my appointment in an hour.

I won't even go into how frustrating it is to get help when you actually need it.

Mental Illness in Service Members

From Christian Lowe's "Mental Illness Plagues Current Vets":

More than one third of American troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan have been diagnosed with some sort of mental or "psychosocial" disorder, a new report from the Archives of Internal Medicine finds.

Out of 103,788 veterans assessed in the study, titled "Bringing the War Back Home," more than 32,000 veterans of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom who were discharged from the military between 2001 and 2005 were found by Veterans Affairs examiners to have mental health problems, including substance abuse.

The authors of the study – lead by Dr. Karen H. Seal of the University of California, San Francisco – found that a majority of those determined to have mental health problems were diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, or more than 13,200 vets.

And those afflicted with mental or psychosocial disorders tended to be the youngest troops.

"Veterans aged 18-24 were at the greatest risk for receiving mental health or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder diagnoses compared with veterans 40 years or older," the San Francisco VA-sponsored study found. "Targeted early detection and intervention beginning in primary care settings are needed to prevent chronic mental illness and disability."

You can read the rest of the article at Military.com.

Aku shared a similar article from ABCnews.com with me. Part of it reads:

"We are seeing a great number of soldiers coming back being treated in VA hospitals and in communities with depression, anxiety and PTSD," said Dr. Michelle Riba, professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan and past president of the American Psychiatric Association.

In the new study, the authors say their findings signal a need for improvements in preventing mental health disorders in troops, as well as detecting and treating them early.

However, Riba said studies and surveys will only be helpful if action is taken to stem the problem.

"It is good that surveys are being done and the government is trying to address other issues," she said.

"But the question is: What are we really trying to do to help these vulnerable people?"

It's just another one of those things that hits close to home. A month ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety of the Not Otherwise Specified variety. I'm probably a few tick marks away from being diagnosed with depression -- although I doubt that being in this environment is the cause.

Part of me feels guilty about it because I'm not kicking in doors, I'm not scanning my sector for IEDs, and I'm not in a position where I would suffer bodily harm. I'm a fobbit. I ride a bus to work, I go on mail and coffee runs, and I have daily access to a computer and a DSN phone. I get along with my coworkers, I socialize with friends, and my boyfriend -- when he's not on a mission -- is a phone call away. Piece of cake, right?

And yet... I'm having problems and I don't know why. I've growled, yes, growled at Driver, at Wolf, and my friends. I've hit Wolf in my sleep. I lie or omit information during visits to Mental Health. I've thought about going AWOL over leave, getting pregnant, or hurting myself. I've been disrespectful to those who are senior to me, to include hanging up the phone on my First Sergeant and telling my Chief something not so pleasant. I'm almost constantly tired, occasionally irritable, and sometimes cry.

In the back of my mind a little voice says that I'm a fobbit and this shouldn't be happening. It's real. It's happening. And the only control I have over it is to lie, lie, lie.

So why am I not getting the help that I obviously need? I don't want to get sent home -- I need the money, I need the veteran status, and I need the support group that I have here. I don't want my medical records tagged or otherwise marked that I have a mental illness and should be put on restricted duty. I don't want everyone to be whispering "Techno's gone crazy" behind my back. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves when I get home. I want to be normal. Or at least as normal as normal gets around these parts.

Will I get help? Honestly, I don't know. I do go to Mental Health every few weeks, and it looks like that will continue until I redeploy to go home. I talk to Driver, I talk to Wolf, I go to Circle and meditate. I go to my appointments, I've had bloodwork and other labs done, and I report to my Command Sergeant Major on how I'm doing. She's still looking for something physically wrong with me, and I doubt that she'll find it.

There are good days and there are bad days. On the good days no one sees anything wrong and on bad days I just want to curl up in my bunk and be left alone. Today? Not so sure about, but I'm still trucking away.

Look who's writing now...

Driver now has a blog. I can't guarantee how often he'll write in it, but it's out there.

Drive it like you stole it: Life of Driver

re-entry shock

Wolf made it home, safe and sound. And promptly got nice and drunk for the three of us. Now it's Driver and myself that are moping around camp. Every once in awhile -- usually when we see or talk about something that reminds us of him -- Driver will exclaim "I miss Wolf!" With luck, we'll visit him after we return to the States.

One of the things Wolf's departure brought up was each of our concerns about re-entry shock. Driver and I both have to go through a demobilization process. Wolf, because he's Active Duty, just went straight home. No gradual return to "normal" life. Just get on the plane and go home, enjoy yourself, don't get in trouble, report to your next duty station once your leave is complete. On the other hand, the two of us will be held on a military post before being released to civilian life. No rushing off the plane and straight to our families. No big parties right away. Nothing other than the same ugly mugs that we've been living with, working with and socializing with for the past year. Only at that point we'll be in the States.

But once they do cut us loose is where our concerns begin. I'll start with one of the very basic and nearly essential parts of American life: driving a car. I haven't been behind a wheel of a car since last September. And even then, I was struggling -- I tried to leave my driveway with the ignition turned off. In case you haven't tried it, it doesn't work so well. Driver is a different story. He drives all the time here, but just because the nature of his job we're both afraid to let him drive in the States. When he drives during a convoy they are weaving all over the road. If he drives like that once we're in the States, he's likely to get pulled over under the suspicion that he's drunk.

The list goes on: losing all structure to one's life, losing support networks, reconnecting with those at home, paying for food, paying for gas, dealing with civilians, finding a job, going back to work, going back to school... you get the idea. It's a little overwhelming.

How in the world are we going to pull this off?

just amazing

Driver and I are going to see Wolf off tonight, and it's quite a sad thought. At lunch we sat in the sun, munching on pizza, enjoying each other's company. The relationship the three of us have is wonderfully strange and strangely wonderful. Wolf will be missed.

If it wasn't for being in the Army, being over here in the desert, the three of us would never have met. It's funny how Mother Army throws a bunch of people together and you seek out the ones you want to spend time with. And it's not nessicarily people from the same walk in life. Wolf, Driver and I are all from very different parts of the country and have very different backgrounds. We all found each other by accident, bumping around in day-to-day life here. At home, in the States, it's likely that it never would have happened.

Just amazing.

group effort

Tonight is the big lunar eclipse that the guys from Circle and I have been waiting for patiently for weeks. The dust storm finally cleared up just in time, and hopefully with the proper settings, I should come back with some nice photos. Unfortunately, it doesn't start until after eleven o'clock here and won't end until o'dark thirty in the morning. We'll be up all night.

Meanwhile, Wolf is getting ready to return to the States. His room is nearly bare. He's moping around when he thinks that no one is looking. When I asked him about it, Wolf just said that he hates leaving friends behind. He will be missed, whether or not he realizes it.

Before Wolf leaves country, Driver, Wolf and I have all discussed going to Mental Health to see my doc as a group. While Driver was on the road, Wolf saw all of the ups and downs. And when I'm feeling up, I either forget or glaze over the downs. I think part of me is afraid that I won't get the help I need because I'm not presenting a full picture of myself to the doc. I lied to her, I lied to Driver, and I tried hiding it from Wolf. I am only hurting myself.

why?

I will have bloodwork done in the morning. Will they find anything? I'm nervous, but it's just another step I have to take.

Now, if I could make myself sit down and write the sworn statement, life would be grand. I don't want to be moved to another section, to another shift, to another camp. I haven't done anything wrong. I just want it to stop, I want to stop being so flighty, so anxious.

Why do we treat each other the way we do?

getting help

Earlier this week I had my check-up with the new Mental Health doc. I don't think she was expecting to see a patient that was quite perky and full of energy. We talked about a few things, including what I came in for and a few things that had gone on earlier in the year. I told her what I planned to do, what I've been doing, and what I'm going to do. As far as medication is concerned, the only thing we're doing is changing my birth control pills.

I have a funny feeling that having a day off and away from camp helped, as well as meditation at Circle, and basically never letting myself be alone. While Driver is out doing his job, some of the guys from Circle are keeping an eye on me. Which, really, is nothing more than hanging out in Wolf's room playing around on computers. The other night I participated in my first LAN party in months -- just another one of those things that I miss from home and I didn't think I'd be able to do out here.

There are some things that I have to take care of that should help the whole situation. I don't want to write about it because I haven't actually done anything but talk about it. It's not a pleasant situation.

But, I am doing better. It's taken many visits to the Troop Medical Clinic, surrounding myself with friends, and letting myself get the help I need rather than sweeping it all under the rug.

drive on

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

Embrace the suck. Smile. Drive on.

Drive on, Soldier, drive on.