why?

I will have bloodwork done in the morning. Will they find anything? I'm nervous, but it's just another step I have to take.

Now, if I could make myself sit down and write the sworn statement, life would be grand. I don't want to be moved to another section, to another shift, to another camp. I haven't done anything wrong. I just want it to stop, I want to stop being so flighty, so anxious.

Why do we treat each other the way we do?

getting help

Earlier this week I had my check-up with the new Mental Health doc. I don't think she was expecting to see a patient that was quite perky and full of energy. We talked about a few things, including what I came in for and a few things that had gone on earlier in the year. I told her what I planned to do, what I've been doing, and what I'm going to do. As far as medication is concerned, the only thing we're doing is changing my birth control pills.

I have a funny feeling that having a day off and away from camp helped, as well as meditation at Circle, and basically never letting myself be alone. While Driver is out doing his job, some of the guys from Circle are keeping an eye on me. Which, really, is nothing more than hanging out in Wolf's room playing around on computers. The other night I participated in my first LAN party in months -- just another one of those things that I miss from home and I didn't think I'd be able to do out here.

There are some things that I have to take care of that should help the whole situation. I don't want to write about it because I haven't actually done anything but talk about it. It's not a pleasant situation.

But, I am doing better. It's taken many visits to the Troop Medical Clinic, surrounding myself with friends, and letting myself get the help I need rather than sweeping it all under the rug.

drive on

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

Embrace the suck. Smile. Drive on.

Drive on, Soldier, drive on.

Operation Cheer Techno Up

Call CheerTechnoUp
Function CheerTechnoUp
Do while Techno="Not Happy"
*hug*
Loop
Exit
End function

I love my geeky friends.

I didn't have a good morning. When your Command Sergeant Major tells you to go to sick call, you go. And when the doctor looks at you and says that you need to go to Mental Health, you go.

"Do you feel like hurting yourself or others?"
"No."
"Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself or others?"
"I just want to curl up in my bunk and cry."

There was talk of sleeping pills and anti-depressants and group sessions. I think I'm still in shock about it all.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of being sad.

And I'm really hoping that this will help.

a good moment

"Look! Flowers!" I point to the tiny yellow flowers growing between rocks at the side of the road. Most Army bases I've been on are pretty barren as far as vegetation goes. The desert doesn't help much, either. I can't tell you the last time I saw flowers that weren't purposefully planted and watered every day.

Driver grins and laughs at me. Before parting ways he swooped down, picked a few and sheepishly handed them to me.

For every bad moment I have here, there are several good ones.

the wise forgive but do not forget

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. - Thomas Szasz

MeuExAmor contacted me the other day. I told him that I didn't think I wanted to continue communication with him. Even his cousin told me that it's probably not a good idea to visit.

I hold no hard feelings about what happened, and I really wish he has a good life.

I spent enough of my time on him forgetting and forgiving, and I don't want to go back to that.

combat dream

Driver sits across from me at the table, shifting nervously in his chair. He looks exhausted, even though we went to bed early last night. This morning he slept through PT which is not at all like him. Earlier I teased him -- "the night we go to bed early is the day you wake up late!" Driver didn't think it was very funny.

I ask him what time he went to bed. Ten thirty, but he didn't sleep well. Why? Doesn't want to talk about it. Why? Kept waking up. Why? What was bothering him? Doesn't want to talk about it, he's afraid that he'll make me upset. What kept him up? A dream. What kind of dream? A bad one.

From there he launches into the explanation of his dream while I listen intently. In the dream, he was out on a mission. His convoy was hit, complex attack. Chaos everywhere. He jumped out of his vehicle, runs for his friend and pulls her along with him. They run and run and run, only to have an insurgent pull a handgun on them. The dream ends when a RPG blows up his head.

As long as there aren't more like that, I'm not worried. But so much for not having nightmares.

Blondie

Calm day at the office. No requests flooding my inbox and my phone isn't ringing off the hook.

In fact, the only call I've received today was from Blondie. Our grandfather hadn't heard from her in awhile and was worried about her. Last night I called the only number I had for her and explained the situation to the Soldier who answered the phone. She called Grandpa, and then she called me: "I had told you that number was for emergencies, and they told me that you called and I thought something bad had happened!" Hey, it was better than having the Red Cross call.

Her unit is being extended, which basically means that we'll be home at about the same time. It's sad, because she really does want to get home to be with family, but it's good for her too. She needs the money. She needs the experience. And they're telling her that she'll be able to get a pass -- finally. Want to guess what that means? Blondie and Techno causing all sorts of craziness in the desert. It's been much too long.

When I spoke last with Grandpa to let him know that Blondie was going to call soon, I made the comment that it was good that she and I were in the same place. His reply? "You're too far apart."

My cousin is on the other side of a border that I will never see. We're both thousands of miles away from home, probably less than a few hundred miles away from each other. I haven't seen her in over a year. And I don't know when I'll see her again.

life as I know it

I'm tired. I don't feel like writing, but I know that I should. Driver and I are staying up late late late -- it always starts with "we should go to bed early" and always ends with "I don't want to go to bed yet!" We'll sit down, snuggle up, start talking and within a half hour we're both passed out cold. No one ever wakes us. Hours later one of us will shake the other awake and mumble something about getting back to our own bunks. Kiss goodnight, slip inside the barracks, and crash. I groan when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Driver has been back from his mission for more than a week. It feels strange, to have him here for so long. We have no idea of when he's leaving again. Rather than enjoying it, part of me wonders when he'll plop down at lunch and tell me that he has to pack up and go. Really, I get much more sleep when he's gone.

Life here is still dragging on. Routines are made, routines are broken, and it's all okay. This is life, and I am not thinking about life back home. I don't want to think about life back home. How in the world am I going to be able to go back to "normal" just like that? And how do those that have seen the gruesome part of this world go back to living the American Dream?

call me crazy, but...

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I'd rather live in the here and now, rather than what could be in some distant future.

You only live once.