*****
From TEAR:
Abusers often use excuses such as, "If you love me you would..." or "You have to make sacrifices for a relationship," or "It would really make me happy if you wouldn’t..." Using these phrases doesn't come across as demanding; and therefore can be hard to distinguish as what they really are: a way to take advantage of someone.
Victims may stay in abusive relationship because they...
...feel responsible
...think that jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of love
...may not realize they are being abused
...have no one to go to
...are inexperienced with dating relationships
...feel pressured to be in a relationship
...have a lowered self-esteem
...don’t want to think the person they love is hurting them
...may believe the abuse is their fault
...hope that their partner will stop being abusive
...believe they are in love
...are not ready to leave their partner
*****
Shortened red flag list from Dr Irene:
- Jealous of time or resources you give others.
- Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
- Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
- Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
- States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
- Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
- Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
- Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
- Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
- Has "trouble" at work.
- Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
- Is very concerned about their public image.
- Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
- Attempts to make you jealous or insecure.
- Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
- Is jealous and suspicious.
- Accuses you of infidelity.
- Uses guilt trips.
- Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
- Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
- Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
- Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
- Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
- Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
- Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
*****
Yeah. Scary.
2 comments:
Well yes, these are all true. I came across a similar article when I checked my Gmail once. (By the way Gmail has all those articles that will freak you out.) I think an "abuser" becomes abusive all because they're too afraid to lose and they express it in a very bad way. And they make you feel being responsible for everything. When I read it I was overwhelmed too, because at that time I was in an abusive relationship also. Most of the time you feel more being controlled than being loved. And you'd question yourself from time to time whether it's really worth it. Also, it's very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, especially for soft-hearted people. It's very easy to have an illusion that they do it only because they love you. Abusive or not, I believe some people think that it's good for them, but it's a type of relationship which creates lots of meaningless fights and heartbreaks.
Oh dear... all this is sounding horribly familiar to me..... :(
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