for the record...

This is more of my reaction to the WP article than anything, just so you're forewarned. Most of you (because I know that people are out there, even if I am in denial) that have been reading know that MeuExAmor and I broke up all the way back in early October. The rest of you, finding your way here from either the article or Milblogging, don't necessarily know that. Which definitely is not how I was represented in the article, giving the appearance that I am using this deployment to help me heal from the end of the relationship.

If anything, I saw the end of the relationship coming. I realized this on more than one occasion during reclassification school several months ago -- I even decided on the plane home that it was over -- but I don't think I was quite ready to call it quits, for one reason or another. And it's not that I am or was afraid or didn't want to be alone. I went on a dinner date with InfantryMedic, I spent time at the club with Sweetheart, and I have had several eye-opening conversations with Lucky.

This deployment wasn't meant for me to heal. That was never my intention. I volunteered out of a sense of duty, the need (and want) to give myself a step up in this world, the dream of studying in Paris, and to actually have money in the bank rather than living off of the menial income I have when I'm a student. For the years that I have been in the band, I have sat in the back of auditoriums and watched the deployment ceremonies for other soldiers in my state so many times that I've lost count. And in the process, I became desensitized to it all. Having the band -- my band, my unit -- at my deployment ceremony was rather surreal. I was given the opportunity to be at the front of the auditorium rather than in the back, and I took it along with everything that came with it.

Do I regret making that decision? No, not one bit, even though it was a very difficult one to make. Do I regret cancelling my trip to Brazil? Yes. I was looking forward to spending time with MeuExAmor and his family, no matter how bad the romantic relationship was. Do I miss my family and friends? Of course! Do I miss university? Surprisingly, yes. That place has been the center of my universe for the past two years. Do I miss my civilian job at the planetarium? You have no idea, and there is no way for me to really describe what that place and the people associated with it mean to me.

Really, this is more like the going-away-to-college experience that I never had. I'm completely out of my element and away from everything that is near and dear to me. Only I'm not getting crazy at a frat party nor am I skipping classes. So aside from all of the schoolwork and studying I'm not doing, the emotional bit of "being away at college" is very true to this situation. It really has made me learn what things are truly important to me and what kind of people that I want to surround myself with. And if that's the only thing I get out of this deployment, I'm okay with that.