internal struggle

I've been complaining about AT so much that I think I forgot all about the other stuff that's going on.

Like the silent but steady bond developing amoung Nerd, JazzMan and myself on our coffee-and-book runs. Or the impossible crush that I've had forever on FratBoy, and decided years ago that he would be nothing more than a friend. (Although, he has now been hinting otherwise.) Or the constant internal battle I struggle with everyday.

I'll start with the internal struggle of mine.

Constantly, I feel like I have one foot in the civilian world and one foot in the military world and that I'm getting nowhere in neither. On the civilian side, I'm an honor student, a frazzled (but happy) employee, an overbooked daughter, and a lost soul meandering in and out of coffee shops. In the military, I'm a bandsman, a Specialist, a female, and almost always overlooked. I feel I identify more strongly with my civilian life -- it's more fitting for starters. But my military life is what provides me with the cilivan life that I cherish. They're intertwined, even if they represent two different sides of me. Sometimes I don't recognize myself in my military ID, in my uniform. I look totally different in civilian clothes.

Then add MeuAmor. I love him with all of my heart. I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to me sometime in the near future. And I would like to think that I would marry him. But he wants nothing to do with the military side of my life. He hasn't been very supportive of my decision to deploy. He's not exactly thrilled with the idea of me even thinking about doing ROTC. He doesn't want to hear me even talk about going Active Army, even if it would get him here faster. And then he complains about how long it would take for me to get settled if I took the civilian route.

We text message, we email, we chat, we call. And it eventually breaks down into a conversation like something like this: I'm thinking of going Active // Why??!! // To get you here faster // No, I'm not the man for that. I told you that I didn't want anymore Army stuff // I know, but...

That conversation never has a good ending.

He says: I am sorry, but we are separated by a really big line. And it's not the equador. It's what we want to do to the people in the world. I am the wrong guy for what you want. I am sorry. I can't do anything about it.

And I do miss him. I do want him near. And believe that I am going on this deployment partly for his benefit as well.

When I first mentioned how MeuAmor wasn't very supportive, FratBoy flat out told me to drop him. It still amazes me how my boss, my family, my friends are so supportive and yet.. my boyfriend isn't. It reminds me of Rocky in a way. When I first mentioned joining the service to pay for school, Rocky was opposed to it but didn't stand in my way. He didn't really support it, but he understood. The day I left for basic training, Rocky was there. It was the day we ended our relationship. Exactly three years to the day.

Part of me must be afraid that it'll be the same thing over again. I go off for something related to the Army, and whatever romantic relationship I had comes to a screeching halt.

Once upon a time, a very wise sergeant told me to never date or marry unless I was going to make a career out of this. Each day closer to mobilization, I can see why.