more?

After convincing a grown man that he really should be back in his barracks before 2200, after talking to Sgt Z about everything from AT to adoption, my phone does the familiar text message buzz thing. It's MeuAmor. (Surprise, surprise, right?)

He writes: What she said make me worry, but she's not online yet, she just said
that need to talk to me. I don't know yet!!! Damn

Apparently his supervisor wants to talk to him. Online. Why online and not at the store? Not a clue. He's paranoid that he's going to lose his job, though. I am, too.

*****

While out at my "dinner date" with InfantryMedic (and trying to keep that as platonic as possible), two main things came up. One: How I Feel About MeuAmor, otherwise known as "Are You Going to Marry This Boy Or What, Girl??" And two: What Do You Really Want Out Of This Life? And the answer -- the superficial answer, anyways -- to both is "I Don't Know."

Question One gets ten kinds of complicated. I need to be able to prove that I can financially support both him and myself before he can immigrate. And no, I can't just move to Brazil and get a job because he can't exactly support me, either. Are there other options? Yes, but let's not get into those right now. They're just as complicated.

Question Two is rather simple, or so I'd like to think. I want to graduate college, I want to get my Master's degree (eventually), and I'd really like to spend a year in France. Do I want to get married? Do I want to have a family? Do I want to have a civilian or military career? I don't know. I'm only 21. I don't have to have the answers to these kinds of questions yet. And I don't think I should have to just yet.

I spent so long thinking that I would be something different from what I am now that I'm perfectly content to bebop around in life. Let me enjoy my years on campus, my years in the band, my time in the planetarium. Someday life is going to be more than books and music and stars. Well, it already is. But you get the idea.

Life is very quickly going to be boots and sand and paperwork, but let's not dwell on that too much, shall we?

If only I could have my cake and eat it, too.

*****

I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my unit. It's no longer a joke or a off-handed, flippiant thing when I say that I'm going to find a new home. I feel like I'm being let down, that I've been let down by my chain of command. I never meant for this Charlie Foxtrot of a mess to happen -- all I wanted was a simple answer to a simple question. A clarification, rather. And instead I've gotten everything but an answer. I've had to request several times for the two weeks, and each time my request gets a little less formal and a little more irritated. We've been lied to repeatedly -- about the possible promotions, about the time away from home and families, and other minor things. I won't be surprised if I end up near where my cousin is now, learning to judge the distance of incoming mortar attacks. I won't be surprised if the job I end up doing is completely different from the one that I was just trained to do. I won't be surprised if I get involunatarily extended. And I definitely won't be surprised if they deny my request. Anything is possible, after all.

All I want is two extra weeks at home with my family. With my baby cousins. With the green grass and blue skies and summer thunderstorms. I'm not asking for much, in my opinion.

I will miss very few people from the band. Most of them are here with me. And all of them understand.

*****

"Everytime a door closes, another one opens"

All I see in front of me are open doors. Which one is the right one? And what door behind me is going to close?

*****

What difference does it make if I'm a soldier or not? What difference does it make if I do it full-time or part-time? What difference does it make if I'm enlisted or an officer?

Does it make a difference?

Am I always going to be defined as "the band girl" or "the admin girl" or "Techno"?

Is there more?