Pain - written on 24 August 2006

I don't think I ever updated on the outcome of my ongoing battle with the TMC.

I went in to get my medication and had a flare while standing in line. Not a good sign. So, I signed into sick call purgatory and sat for three hours waiting to be triaged. It was another hour before I saw a provider. (And that's not counting the time I waited to sign in outside or when the provider and I broke for lunch.) This entire time my pain level was anywhere between a 7 and a 9 out of 10, with 10 being the worst. Four hours of waiting while in pain.

When I finally did get into the provider, I broke it all down for her and gave her The Story Of My Shingles And Why It's So Bad Right Now. Which makes her the second or the third medical provider that knew less about this than I do. She scribbled a lot, checked in on the pharmacy and -- surprise, surprise -- the pharmacy doesn't have the medication that they were supposed to have ordered a few weeks prior. The order was just put in that day, after I came in with a complaint.

Fast forward two days. Pharmacy calls Top, who tells me that it's in, so I rush off to the pharmacy to get it. First there was a random Specialist manning the computer, who told me that it wasn't in the system. (Which is always the first answer, for one reason or another.) Then, they pull it out of the shipment, label it, bag it up, and give it to me. I ask if this was all the pharmacy had, only to be told that they will only give me one box at a time. Okay, that's fine, but one box is only a two week supply.

So yes, I got my medication, but it's technically not enough to last me through the rest of mobilization.

The girls are tired of hearing me complain about it, and several have asked why I didn't come to mobilization with this medication. Because it's $200 a box and I can't afford it. At home, aside from the income I get from the Army, I make minimum wage because I am still a student. And that's okay, for now. When I'm at home I don't need them as much as I need them here -- I'm not under the same kinds of stresses. I'm not carrying around a weapon, wearing body armor, nor am I separated from family and friends.

What's really difficult to explain to them is what living with pain day in and day out is like. A few get it, only because they do it too. Other people aren't sure what to say or do. All they hear is the times that I complain. They don't see the nights where I toss and turn, or the agony I feel even when we're relaxing. They see the patches on my leg. To them, that's all it is.

To me, this is life. And sometimes it's more pleasant than others. When I'm stressed out, I have a flare. When I'm hurt, I have a flare. When I'm PMSing, I have flares. When I eat certain foods, I have a flare. Pain management is just that -- managing the pain. This isn't going to go away anytime soon.

I just wish that I had more good days.