The first one of us went home today. Shorty, who had just gone off-post to the mall with MarriedSista, Chica and myself.
Her aunt is dying of cancer. She's going home for the service. That's a very long plane ride that no one wants to take.
We feel like we're removed from life, but it just keeps on moving without us.
In the course of this class, in a mere four weeks, there have been three deaths and a birth.
FratBoy will go home and hold his new nephew. Shorty will stand watch at a loved one's deathbed. Medic will go visit a grave. I'll be visiting family, and not to play with little cousins.
Two days and a wake up.
31 May 2006
more?
After convincing a grown man that he really should be back in his barracks before 2200, after talking to Sgt Z about everything from AT to adoption, my phone does the familiar text message buzz thing. It's MeuAmor. (Surprise, surprise, right?)
While out at my "dinner date" with InfantryMedic (and trying to keep that as platonic as possible), two main things came up. One: How I Feel About MeuAmor, otherwise known as "Are You Going to Marry This Boy Or What, Girl??" And two: What Do You Really Want Out Of This Life? And the answer -- the superficial answer, anyways -- to both is "I Don't Know."
Question One gets ten kinds of complicated. I need to be able to prove that I can financially support both him and myself before he can immigrate. And no, I can't just move to Brazil and get a job because he can't exactly support me, either. Are there other options? Yes, but let's not get into those right now. They're just as complicated.
Question Two is rather simple, or so I'd like to think. I want to graduate college, I want to get my Master's degree (eventually), and I'd really like to spend a year in France. Do I want to get married? Do I want to have a family? Do I want to have a civilian or military career? I don't know. I'm only 21. I don't have to have the answers to these kinds of questions yet. And I don't think I should have to just yet.
I spent so long thinking that I would be something different from what I am now that I'm perfectly content to bebop around in life. Let me enjoy my years on campus, my years in the band, my time in the planetarium. Someday life is going to be more than books and music and stars. Well, it already is. But you get the idea.
Life is very quickly going to be boots and sand and paperwork, but let's not dwell on that too much, shall we?
If only I could have my cake and eat it, too.
*****
I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my unit. It's no longer a joke or a off-handed, flippiant thing when I say that I'm going to find a new home. I feel like I'm being let down, that I've been let down by my chain of command. I never meant for this Charlie Foxtrot of a mess to happen -- all I wanted was a simple answer to a simple question. A clarification, rather. And instead I've gotten everything but an answer. I've had to request several times for the two weeks, and each time my request gets a little less formal and a little more irritated. We've been lied to repeatedly -- about the possible promotions, about the time away from home and families, and other minor things. I won't be surprised if I end up near where my cousin is now, learning to judge the distance of incoming mortar attacks. I won't be surprised if the job I end up doing is completely different from the one that I was just trained to do. I won't be surprised if I get involunatarily extended. And I definitely won't be surprised if they deny my request. Anything is possible, after all.
All I want is two extra weeks at home with my family. With my baby cousins. With the green grass and blue skies and summer thunderstorms. I'm not asking for much, in my opinion.
I will miss very few people from the band. Most of them are here with me. And all of them understand.
*****
"Everytime a door closes, another one opens"
All I see in front of me are open doors. Which one is the right one? And what door behind me is going to close?
What difference does it make if I'm a soldier or not? What difference does it make if I do it full-time or part-time? What difference does it make if I'm enlisted or an officer?
Does it make a difference?
Am I always going to be defined as "the band girl" or "the admin girl" or "Techno"?
Is there more?
He writes: What she said make me worry, but she's not online yet, she just saidApparently his supervisor wants to talk to him. Online. Why online and not at the store? Not a clue. He's paranoid that he's going to lose his job, though. I am, too.
that need to talk to me. I don't know yet!!! Damn
*****
While out at my "dinner date" with InfantryMedic (and trying to keep that as platonic as possible), two main things came up. One: How I Feel About MeuAmor, otherwise known as "Are You Going to Marry This Boy Or What, Girl??" And two: What Do You Really Want Out Of This Life? And the answer -- the superficial answer, anyways -- to both is "I Don't Know."
Question One gets ten kinds of complicated. I need to be able to prove that I can financially support both him and myself before he can immigrate. And no, I can't just move to Brazil and get a job because he can't exactly support me, either. Are there other options? Yes, but let's not get into those right now. They're just as complicated.
Question Two is rather simple, or so I'd like to think. I want to graduate college, I want to get my Master's degree (eventually), and I'd really like to spend a year in France. Do I want to get married? Do I want to have a family? Do I want to have a civilian or military career? I don't know. I'm only 21. I don't have to have the answers to these kinds of questions yet. And I don't think I should have to just yet.
I spent so long thinking that I would be something different from what I am now that I'm perfectly content to bebop around in life. Let me enjoy my years on campus, my years in the band, my time in the planetarium. Someday life is going to be more than books and music and stars. Well, it already is. But you get the idea.
Life is very quickly going to be boots and sand and paperwork, but let's not dwell on that too much, shall we?
If only I could have my cake and eat it, too.
*****
I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my unit. It's no longer a joke or a off-handed, flippiant thing when I say that I'm going to find a new home. I feel like I'm being let down, that I've been let down by my chain of command. I never meant for this Charlie Foxtrot of a mess to happen -- all I wanted was a simple answer to a simple question. A clarification, rather. And instead I've gotten everything but an answer. I've had to request several times for the two weeks, and each time my request gets a little less formal and a little more irritated. We've been lied to repeatedly -- about the possible promotions, about the time away from home and families, and other minor things. I won't be surprised if I end up near where my cousin is now, learning to judge the distance of incoming mortar attacks. I won't be surprised if the job I end up doing is completely different from the one that I was just trained to do. I won't be surprised if I get involunatarily extended. And I definitely won't be surprised if they deny my request. Anything is possible, after all.
All I want is two extra weeks at home with my family. With my baby cousins. With the green grass and blue skies and summer thunderstorms. I'm not asking for much, in my opinion.
I will miss very few people from the band. Most of them are here with me. And all of them understand.
*****
"Everytime a door closes, another one opens"
All I see in front of me are open doors. Which one is the right one? And what door behind me is going to close?
*****
What difference does it make if I'm a soldier or not? What difference does it make if I do it full-time or part-time? What difference does it make if I'm enlisted or an officer?
Does it make a difference?
Am I always going to be defined as "the band girl" or "the admin girl" or "Techno"?
Is there more?
questions
What am I doing here? Why did I decide to do this?
Am I the only one asking myself these questions?
Twig, GlamourBeauty, Shorty, and Chica all were involuntary. Fifi as well, but she'll be in another unit, somewhere else. LittleBit, Sgt Z, EnglishProf and myself were all voluntary. I know LittleBit thinks this is her calling in life. EnglishProf and Sgt Z are probably in it for the money. I tell myself that it's for Paris, although I don't know when I can go. Between enlistments, probably.
Paris seems so far away.
Am I the only one asking myself these questions?
Twig, GlamourBeauty, Shorty, and Chica all were involuntary. Fifi as well, but she'll be in another unit, somewhere else. LittleBit, Sgt Z, EnglishProf and myself were all voluntary. I know LittleBit thinks this is her calling in life. EnglishProf and Sgt Z are probably in it for the money. I tell myself that it's for Paris, although I don't know when I can go. Between enlistments, probably.
Paris seems so far away.
everything has changed
Do I even want to be with this boy for the rest of my life? Is it worth giving up something that I may or may not want to do? Will I regret it later?
What won't I regret?
I'm with adults everyday. (Well, adults that are older than me, anyways.) I hear about their past. I hear about their present and former relationships. I hear their regrets. And it hits me -- I'm 21. I haven't finished college. I'm still a kid. I still have that freedom of no house, no spouse, no kids. And I want to travel. I want to better myself. And I don't want to grow up and look back on my life regretting one thing or another. On the other hand, I'm not naive. I know that I'll have my own set of choices, my own regrets.
This isn't just a fork in the road. I don't just have two clear-cut choices. Each choice will lead to another set of choices. And each of those to another. Do I stay in the band or reclassify to yet another skill? Do I finish this enlistment and never look back? Do I stay enlisted or do I become an officer? Active Army? Air Force? Or do I stick to the civilian side of things -- where I don't know what I'll do when I grow up, what state or even what country I'll end up in. There are no wrong decisions. But there are no right decisions either. A decision is a decision, as simple as that. Even if the aftereffects aren't so simple.
Knowing that there are no right or wrong decisions makes it difficult to choose. The only thing that I do know is that each decision brings new people into my life and casts others out. For some reason it seems that every decision I'm making now is casting more and more people out. My friends don't return my calls. My former classmates and professors don't bother to email. My own boyfriend doesn't want to continue the relationship if I continue to be a soldier. It's almost as if I had died. Or moved and left everything behind. And I'm only a few states away. A phone call, an email away. Not on the other side of the world. Nothing important has changed, other than my duty status.
And yet, everything has changed.
What won't I regret?
I'm with adults everyday. (Well, adults that are older than me, anyways.) I hear about their past. I hear about their present and former relationships. I hear their regrets. And it hits me -- I'm 21. I haven't finished college. I'm still a kid. I still have that freedom of no house, no spouse, no kids. And I want to travel. I want to better myself. And I don't want to grow up and look back on my life regretting one thing or another. On the other hand, I'm not naive. I know that I'll have my own set of choices, my own regrets.
This isn't just a fork in the road. I don't just have two clear-cut choices. Each choice will lead to another set of choices. And each of those to another. Do I stay in the band or reclassify to yet another skill? Do I finish this enlistment and never look back? Do I stay enlisted or do I become an officer? Active Army? Air Force? Or do I stick to the civilian side of things -- where I don't know what I'll do when I grow up, what state or even what country I'll end up in. There are no wrong decisions. But there are no right decisions either. A decision is a decision, as simple as that. Even if the aftereffects aren't so simple.
Knowing that there are no right or wrong decisions makes it difficult to choose. The only thing that I do know is that each decision brings new people into my life and casts others out. For some reason it seems that every decision I'm making now is casting more and more people out. My friends don't return my calls. My former classmates and professors don't bother to email. My own boyfriend doesn't want to continue the relationship if I continue to be a soldier. It's almost as if I had died. Or moved and left everything behind. And I'm only a few states away. A phone call, an email away. Not on the other side of the world. Nothing important has changed, other than my duty status.
And yet, everything has changed.
internal struggle
I've been complaining about AT so much that I think I forgot all about the other stuff that's going on.
Like the silent but steady bond developing amoung Nerd, JazzMan and myself on our coffee-and-book runs. Or the impossible crush that I've had forever on FratBoy, and decided years ago that he would be nothing more than a friend. (Although, he has now been hinting otherwise.) Or the constant internal battle I struggle with everyday.
I'll start with the internal struggle of mine.
Constantly, I feel like I have one foot in the civilian world and one foot in the military world and that I'm getting nowhere in neither. On the civilian side, I'm an honor student, a frazzled (but happy) employee, an overbooked daughter, and a lost soul meandering in and out of coffee shops. In the military, I'm a bandsman, a Specialist, a female, and almost always overlooked. I feel I identify more strongly with my civilian life -- it's more fitting for starters. But my military life is what provides me with the cilivan life that I cherish. They're intertwined, even if they represent two different sides of me. Sometimes I don't recognize myself in my military ID, in my uniform. I look totally different in civilian clothes.
Then add MeuAmor. I love him with all of my heart. I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to me sometime in the near future. And I would like to think that I would marry him. But he wants nothing to do with the military side of my life. He hasn't been very supportive of my decision to deploy. He's not exactly thrilled with the idea of me even thinking about doing ROTC. He doesn't want to hear me even talk about going Active Army, even if it would get him here faster. And then he complains about how long it would take for me to get settled if I took the civilian route.
We text message, we email, we chat, we call. And it eventually breaks down into a conversation like something like this: I'm thinking of going Active // Why??!! // To get you here faster // No, I'm not the man for that. I told you that I didn't want anymore Army stuff // I know, but...
That conversation never has a good ending.
He says: I am sorry, but we are separated by a really big line. And it's not the equador. It's what we want to do to the people in the world. I am the wrong guy for what you want. I am sorry. I can't do anything about it.
And I do miss him. I do want him near. And believe that I am going on this deployment partly for his benefit as well.
When I first mentioned how MeuAmor wasn't very supportive, FratBoy flat out told me to drop him. It still amazes me how my boss, my family, my friends are so supportive and yet.. my boyfriend isn't. It reminds me of Rocky in a way. When I first mentioned joining the service to pay for school, Rocky was opposed to it but didn't stand in my way. He didn't really support it, but he understood. The day I left for basic training, Rocky was there. It was the day we ended our relationship. Exactly three years to the day.
Part of me must be afraid that it'll be the same thing over again. I go off for something related to the Army, and whatever romantic relationship I had comes to a screeching halt.
Once upon a time, a very wise sergeant told me to never date or marry unless I was going to make a career out of this. Each day closer to mobilization, I can see why.
Like the silent but steady bond developing amoung Nerd, JazzMan and myself on our coffee-and-book runs. Or the impossible crush that I've had forever on FratBoy, and decided years ago that he would be nothing more than a friend. (Although, he has now been hinting otherwise.) Or the constant internal battle I struggle with everyday.
I'll start with the internal struggle of mine.
Constantly, I feel like I have one foot in the civilian world and one foot in the military world and that I'm getting nowhere in neither. On the civilian side, I'm an honor student, a frazzled (but happy) employee, an overbooked daughter, and a lost soul meandering in and out of coffee shops. In the military, I'm a bandsman, a Specialist, a female, and almost always overlooked. I feel I identify more strongly with my civilian life -- it's more fitting for starters. But my military life is what provides me with the cilivan life that I cherish. They're intertwined, even if they represent two different sides of me. Sometimes I don't recognize myself in my military ID, in my uniform. I look totally different in civilian clothes.
Then add MeuAmor. I love him with all of my heart. I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to me sometime in the near future. And I would like to think that I would marry him. But he wants nothing to do with the military side of my life. He hasn't been very supportive of my decision to deploy. He's not exactly thrilled with the idea of me even thinking about doing ROTC. He doesn't want to hear me even talk about going Active Army, even if it would get him here faster. And then he complains about how long it would take for me to get settled if I took the civilian route.
We text message, we email, we chat, we call. And it eventually breaks down into a conversation like something like this: I'm thinking of going Active // Why??!! // To get you here faster // No, I'm not the man for that. I told you that I didn't want anymore Army stuff // I know, but...
That conversation never has a good ending.
He says: I am sorry, but we are separated by a really big line. And it's not the equador. It's what we want to do to the people in the world. I am the wrong guy for what you want. I am sorry. I can't do anything about it.
And I do miss him. I do want him near. And believe that I am going on this deployment partly for his benefit as well.
When I first mentioned how MeuAmor wasn't very supportive, FratBoy flat out told me to drop him. It still amazes me how my boss, my family, my friends are so supportive and yet.. my boyfriend isn't. It reminds me of Rocky in a way. When I first mentioned joining the service to pay for school, Rocky was opposed to it but didn't stand in my way. He didn't really support it, but he understood. The day I left for basic training, Rocky was there. It was the day we ended our relationship. Exactly three years to the day.
Part of me must be afraid that it'll be the same thing over again. I go off for something related to the Army, and whatever romantic relationship I had comes to a screeching halt.
Once upon a time, a very wise sergeant told me to never date or marry unless I was going to make a career out of this. Each day closer to mobilization, I can see why.
28 May 2006
well, all my ducks are lined up in a row...
They tell me to take it up with the commander, so I email him.
They tell me to email the commander (to which I get no response), and I email again.
And now they're saying:
Look, people. My instrument? Signed in before I left for this school. A body to play said instrument? Someone else has been tripping over themselves to get the chance to play it. My two weeks time spent in active duty? Already completed.
Everything has been all lined up for you, nice and neat. What about you?
They tell me to email the commander (to which I get no response), and I email again.
And now they're saying:
Bottom line: To date only Sergeant Z has my permission to miss AT. If anyone else wants to miss AT then you need to contact me directly or by email and I’ll make my decision. I need to know by close of business Tuesday May 30th. I will handle these requests on a case by case basis. Do not take it for granted that if you make a request it will be granted. You must receive verification from me.And exactly how many times have I requested that I don't want to go on AT, and exactly how many times have I NOT recieved an answer?
Look, people. My instrument? Signed in before I left for this school. A body to play said instrument? Someone else has been tripping over themselves to get the chance to play it. My two weeks time spent in active duty? Already completed.
Everything has been all lined up for you, nice and neat. What about you?
25 May 2006
good news!
There is a lot of shit going down right now. A right proper shitstorm, if you will. Really it's a lot of bullshit, but it's bullshit concerning my next few weeks to myself. Which, quite frankly, is important to me.
It came down from my band First Sergeant that I need to talk to the band Commander and get his approval. Given the fact that I've fulfilled my active duty requirement for the year and that I'm going to be away for a long time, I don't think I'll have a problem. I did sign a statement saying that I did NOT want to go on AT, but I want to cover my bases. Because that's just a good thing to do, especially with the scum I've been having to deal with lately. So, I've emailed the Commander and now I just have to Wait And See. But I'm very hopeful about it.
I did actually manage to get ahold of my civilian boss today. They were bebopping around the workroom. Apparently one of my coworkers has nothing better to do than solve a five by five rubix cube. I talked to both of them, with my Bossman saying that there won't be much money but I'm more than welcome to come and hang around. The department is broke. I may not get paid. I really don't care -- I just want to go to work and play. And I'll be there for the installation of the new starball. Much geeky stargazer love.
Part of me is rethinking about requesting to be with LittleBit if we all get seperated. She's been one of the major players in this mess, rather indirectly, but still a major player. I really don't feel like having everything I do and say reported back to the band unit without my knowledge. I just have a feeling that it's going to burn me, in the end. She's fun to be around, she's a great person, but I can only foresee Bad Things Happening. And I don't exactly want to be caught up in all of that.
Oh well. Right now, I don't care. I may not have to go on AT, and someone else from the unit other than Prick said something about it.
Also, another reason why I don't care:
I <3 my brother. So so glad that he moved back home. So so glad that we were able to reconnect. But so very sad that I'm going just as things are getting better.
But such is life.
It came down from my band First Sergeant that I need to talk to the band Commander and get his approval. Given the fact that I've fulfilled my active duty requirement for the year and that I'm going to be away for a long time, I don't think I'll have a problem. I did sign a statement saying that I did NOT want to go on AT, but I want to cover my bases. Because that's just a good thing to do, especially with the scum I've been having to deal with lately. So, I've emailed the Commander and now I just have to Wait And See. But I'm very hopeful about it.
I did actually manage to get ahold of my civilian boss today. They were bebopping around the workroom. Apparently one of my coworkers has nothing better to do than solve a five by five rubix cube. I talked to both of them, with my Bossman saying that there won't be much money but I'm more than welcome to come and hang around. The department is broke. I may not get paid. I really don't care -- I just want to go to work and play. And I'll be there for the installation of the new starball. Much geeky stargazer love.
Part of me is rethinking about requesting to be with LittleBit if we all get seperated. She's been one of the major players in this mess, rather indirectly, but still a major player. I really don't feel like having everything I do and say reported back to the band unit without my knowledge. I just have a feeling that it's going to burn me, in the end. She's fun to be around, she's a great person, but I can only foresee Bad Things Happening. And I don't exactly want to be caught up in all of that.
Oh well. Right now, I don't care. I may not have to go on AT, and someone else from the unit other than Prick said something about it.
Also, another reason why I don't care:
Techno says that "The drama is almost like High School..With
Uniforms..."
Fuzz - "Sounds like a catholic school"
Techno - "But we get guns"
Fuzz - "Sounds fun"
I miss my sister...shes a good drinking buddy and damnit she needed to be
at [my buddy]'s 21st to control me....
I <3 my brother. So so glad that he moved back home. So so glad that we were able to reconnect. But so very sad that I'm going just as things are getting better.
But such is life.
24 May 2006
mixed day
We took the test of DOOM this morning. The one that we've delayed twice this past week. The one that I actually had test anxiety over. I never get test anxiety. But lecture to me before I take a test about how difficult it is and how "no matter how hard you try, I will not let you fail thisss tessssss" and yeah, I get a little nervous.
No need to worry, I only missed one question out of rushing to finish. And they gave us half the right answers anyways. No joke.
So, after much hyperventilating and freaking out from my classmates, we go to lunch and come back to our new instructor. Who I can't believe is actually allowed to be an instructor, except for the fact that he gets the job done. He is so anti-Army and anti-typical-soldier-stereotype that it's actually very refreshing. Instead of addressing us by our rank in class, he just calls us all "playa". "Playa, read paragraph 2-15 charlie to the class." "Playa, what did you get for number five?" "No no, playa, explain it in your own words!" "Don't call me over the weekend, because this playa is staying in the hotel off post." Also, he jokes about everything even if it's very very serious. I haven't laughed so much in an Army class before. It's great.
And he lets us make our own schedule, playa.
Class is great but I'm not sure how I'm feeling myself. Since we got out of class early, I showered and crawled into my bunk to nap. Not sure how long I slept (other than through dinner chow) but when I woke up, LittleBit was just coming back from the gym. Still in bed, I told her that I didn't want to go out tonight. I had cancelled my platonic dinner date, I didn't want to go out to the club, and I was really trying to motivate myself to walk to the library. LittleBit just looks at me and says "I think you're depressed".
Me? Depressed? No.
Me? Homesick? Definitely not.
Me? Dealing (or not) with things that are way out of my control? Yeah, that would be it.
And I really didn't feel like going out. I don't do it at home, why start now? The club isn't exactly a good place for me to hang out. Fifi and LittleBit would run off with their men, and I'm either a third wheel or hit on by some sleazy soldier. Not exactly my idea of fun.
Eight days and a wakeup, or something like that.
No need to worry, I only missed one question out of rushing to finish. And they gave us half the right answers anyways. No joke.
So, after much hyperventilating and freaking out from my classmates, we go to lunch and come back to our new instructor. Who I can't believe is actually allowed to be an instructor, except for the fact that he gets the job done. He is so anti-Army and anti-typical-soldier-stereotype that it's actually very refreshing. Instead of addressing us by our rank in class, he just calls us all "playa". "Playa, read paragraph 2-15 charlie to the class." "Playa, what did you get for number five?" "No no, playa, explain it in your own words!" "Don't call me over the weekend, because this playa is staying in the hotel off post." Also, he jokes about everything even if it's very very serious. I haven't laughed so much in an Army class before. It's great.
And he lets us make our own schedule, playa.
Class is great but I'm not sure how I'm feeling myself. Since we got out of class early, I showered and crawled into my bunk to nap. Not sure how long I slept (other than through dinner chow) but when I woke up, LittleBit was just coming back from the gym. Still in bed, I told her that I didn't want to go out tonight. I had cancelled my platonic dinner date, I didn't want to go out to the club, and I was really trying to motivate myself to walk to the library. LittleBit just looks at me and says "I think you're depressed".
Me? Depressed? No.
Me? Homesick? Definitely not.
Me? Dealing (or not) with things that are way out of my control? Yeah, that would be it.
And I really didn't feel like going out. I don't do it at home, why start now? The club isn't exactly a good place for me to hang out. Fifi and LittleBit would run off with their men, and I'm either a third wheel or hit on by some sleazy soldier. Not exactly my idea of fun.
Eight days and a wakeup, or something like that.
23 May 2006
just roll with it
You know, I'm more than halfway done with this school. I am enjoying myself here. I am bonding with people. I am learning a lot about some of the people on The List that I wouldn't have found out otherwise. I'm enjoying their company more than I thought I would, too. Even the ones in the New Unit that I haven't known all that long. I will miss some of them if they split us up, and I won't miss others. But I know which ones I'd like to spend a tour with.
I'm still learning about myself. That the band isn't for me, but it's been one of the good things in my life. (Well, as far as the Army goes.) I'd rather be a linguist, at least on the Army side of things. I still don't know what I want to be or where I want to live when I grow up. I'm not content to be a Specialist until someone dies or retires. I really really like gourmet coffee, and the Army does not believe in it. I'd like to try a brain sandwich, just once. I am high speed, and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I really have a drive to do well, to excel. That my family -- and MeuAmor's family -- is really important to me, and it's hard to describe that to someone that doesn't have that.
And you know what? I could use the extra money from AT. Doesn't mean I want to be there. Doesn't mean that I'm still not going to try to get a solid answer. Doesn't mean that I'm not ready to go. Doesn't mean that I'm going to be exactly chipper and cheery. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to shed tears about it. But, Uncle Suga' is bound to come collecting sometime.
My life, my time is really not mine any more. Not until this deployment is over, at least. That's a really hard thing to come to terms with. I'm not sure if it's something that's hitting me now, or if it's just bubbling up right now. I know I don't do well with uncertainty, and that's all I have for the time being.
There's still a little -- little? no, big -- part of me that wishes that I had gotten on the plane to Brazil. That I was surrounded by MeuAmor's family. That I was learning new words that had nothing to do with the Army. That I could hang out in the hammock reading a book.
I really miss that hammock. And the boy that goes with it.
But, as everyone is telling me now: just roll with it. Take it all in stride.
This too shall pass.
I'm still learning about myself. That the band isn't for me, but it's been one of the good things in my life. (Well, as far as the Army goes.) I'd rather be a linguist, at least on the Army side of things. I still don't know what I want to be or where I want to live when I grow up. I'm not content to be a Specialist until someone dies or retires. I really really like gourmet coffee, and the Army does not believe in it. I'd like to try a brain sandwich, just once. I am high speed, and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I really have a drive to do well, to excel. That my family -- and MeuAmor's family -- is really important to me, and it's hard to describe that to someone that doesn't have that.
And you know what? I could use the extra money from AT. Doesn't mean I want to be there. Doesn't mean that I'm still not going to try to get a solid answer. Doesn't mean that I'm not ready to go. Doesn't mean that I'm going to be exactly chipper and cheery. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to shed tears about it. But, Uncle Suga' is bound to come collecting sometime.
My life, my time is really not mine any more. Not until this deployment is over, at least. That's a really hard thing to come to terms with. I'm not sure if it's something that's hitting me now, or if it's just bubbling up right now. I know I don't do well with uncertainty, and that's all I have for the time being.
There's still a little -- little? no, big -- part of me that wishes that I had gotten on the plane to Brazil. That I was surrounded by MeuAmor's family. That I was learning new words that had nothing to do with the Army. That I could hang out in the hammock reading a book.
I really miss that hammock. And the boy that goes with it.
But, as everyone is telling me now: just roll with it. Take it all in stride.
This too shall pass.
Effers!
If you were going to be away from your home, your friends, your civilian job, and your family, wouldn't you want to try to spend as much time at home with them as you could?
Do you see any problem with that?
Most people wouldn't.
However.... my unit -- my home unit -- is telling me that I have to go on AT with them. Even though I won't be attached to them much longer. I swore that my new unit -- the one I'm deploying with -- told me that I didn't have to do AT with the band, and that I was "invited" to go on AT.
I just want to spend time with my family and get my affairs together.
Three weeks isn't enough.
Do you see any problem with that?
Most people wouldn't.
However.... my unit -- my home unit -- is telling me that I have to go on AT with them. Even though I won't be attached to them much longer. I swore that my new unit -- the one I'm deploying with -- told me that I didn't have to do AT with the band, and that I was "invited" to go on AT.
I just want to spend time with my family and get my affairs together.
Three weeks isn't enough.
20 May 2006
life and deployment
Fifi, LittleBit and I were supposed to go riding today. However, Fifi apparently has sunburn in a rather uncomfortable place and spending the day in a saddle would not be so much of a good idea. So, I plan on rotting my brain out in front of the computer and perhaps spend some time reading my new books. I've also considered buying some postcards and sending them home to my baby cousins. It will be a relaxing day, regardless.
Last night, LittleBit and I were talking about the deployment. She said that when she got the email that it just clicked -- this is what she was supposed to do, this was her purpose.
Meanwhile, tears are streaming down my cheeks because I want more time with my family, my friends before going away for a very long time.
That's the difference between me and her. LittleBit has no one -- she's not close with her family, she doesn't have a significant other, she has no children, not many close friends. I'm extremely close to my family, and not just my immediate family. My baby cousins, my aunts and uncles, my cousin that's already over there in Iraq, MeuAmor's family in Brazil... the list just goes on.
And the Army tells me that I'll only have three weeks to spend with them before I mobilize.
Last night, LittleBit and I were talking about the deployment. She said that when she got the email that it just clicked -- this is what she was supposed to do, this was her purpose.
Meanwhile, tears are streaming down my cheeks because I want more time with my family, my friends before going away for a very long time.
That's the difference between me and her. LittleBit has no one -- she's not close with her family, she doesn't have a significant other, she has no children, not many close friends. I'm extremely close to my family, and not just my immediate family. My baby cousins, my aunts and uncles, my cousin that's already over there in Iraq, MeuAmor's family in Brazil... the list just goes on.
And the Army tells me that I'll only have three weeks to spend with them before I mobilize.
18 May 2006
Phase I, complete
Today we finished all of the required material for Phase I. Tomorrow we clean.
And there was much rejoicing.
Meanwhile, moods have been mixed at best. FratBoy is now a proud uncle to a very cute nephew. Two of the other boys have recently quit smoking, and are snappy and jittery. Meanwhile, some of us girls are doing the girly-thing, which isn't at all pleasant when you're PMSing and having to deal with someone else who is as equally as unpleasant.
But. No class tomorrow. And no class the day afterwards.
Much rejoicing indeed.
So, as unsocialable as I feel right now, I'm going out tonight.
And there was much rejoicing.
Meanwhile, moods have been mixed at best. FratBoy is now a proud uncle to a very cute nephew. Two of the other boys have recently quit smoking, and are snappy and jittery. Meanwhile, some of us girls are doing the girly-thing, which isn't at all pleasant when you're PMSing and having to deal with someone else who is as equally as unpleasant.
But. No class tomorrow. And no class the day afterwards.
Much rejoicing indeed.
So, as unsocialable as I feel right now, I'm going out tonight.
16 May 2006
home, or something like it
I climbed the stairs up to the bay last night and thought "this is home". It wasn't a shocking revolution, but simply an awknowledgement of no matter how hard/boring/tedious things are now, I really am happy to be here. Yeah, the social stuff might be like high school, I have no privacy, the men are really annoying, and class is boring. But I like coming back to the bay at night.
There's only seven of us in the bay, with three that float in and out of their private rooms. (Rank has it's priviledges, afterall.) We're not crowded in together. Gear has taken over surrounding bunks. Conversations mix and mingle, both amoung ourselves and to loved ones on the other end of the phone. What some would consider private becomes part of shared knowledge. Relationships, hookups, dreams, hopes, accomplishments. Country jives with gospel. Tea and coffee made from a shared hot pot. Yogurt and pizza side-by-side in the fridge. Seven different viewpoints on everything and anything, seven different life experiences, seven different lifestyles -- all living together.
I don't mind at all. MarriedSista cooing to her son and asking for prayer requests from her grammy while looking out for everyone. Twig asking about baseball games, grades, and her cats. GlamourBeauty studying or reading quietly in bed. LittleBit and her endless stream of men. EnglishProf's bizarre sense of humor and southern twang, comfortable enough to dispense advice on everything and anything. Fifi's rough exterior, strong self-assurance. And me, Techno, the baby of the group.
This is comfortable. I could get used to this.
There's only seven of us in the bay, with three that float in and out of their private rooms. (Rank has it's priviledges, afterall.) We're not crowded in together. Gear has taken over surrounding bunks. Conversations mix and mingle, both amoung ourselves and to loved ones on the other end of the phone. What some would consider private becomes part of shared knowledge. Relationships, hookups, dreams, hopes, accomplishments. Country jives with gospel. Tea and coffee made from a shared hot pot. Yogurt and pizza side-by-side in the fridge. Seven different viewpoints on everything and anything, seven different life experiences, seven different lifestyles -- all living together.
I don't mind at all. MarriedSista cooing to her son and asking for prayer requests from her grammy while looking out for everyone. Twig asking about baseball games, grades, and her cats. GlamourBeauty studying or reading quietly in bed. LittleBit and her endless stream of men. EnglishProf's bizarre sense of humor and southern twang, comfortable enough to dispense advice on everything and anything. Fifi's rough exterior, strong self-assurance. And me, Techno, the baby of the group.
This is comfortable. I could get used to this.
14 May 2006
jello shot
It started with a fuzzy navel jello shot.
I was standing at the bar idly sipping on my cranberry and vodka while chatting with Fifi. Twig and LittleBit had ran off to be with their men. I wasn't even going to go out, but after the conversation I had with MeuAmor, I didn't even care.
Standing in the bottom bay, watching a convoy of military vechiles go by, I listened to MeuAmor's voice as he explained rather impatiently that he was busy, that he didn't want me to call back, that he didn't have time to talk, that a client was giving him a hard time about not having his computer ready on time. His voice got louder and louder, thinking that I couldn't hear him. I heard every word, every word that cresandoed into the next. I just wanted to talk to him. He said that he wanted to, too. No time no time no time. I was tired of waiting.
So I went out with the girls. Fifi and I ended up standing at the bar. Two guys across the way were chasing jello shots with beer. Their next round, the bartender handed us a couple of shots. The guys joined us shortly afterwards, asking if we were spouses or soldiers. They swore they were single. After showing off my apparently erotic jello shot technique, we struck up a conversation.
It wasn't long until I had a twenty-something drunk sergeant glued to my side, bullshitting about everything and anything. I actually didn't mind the attention. And he was paying for the drinks. What was he hoping for? Someone to warm his bed? He managed to talk me into dancing with him. His hand on my ass, my hand brushing his arm, feeling the tense muscles underneath. This was dangerous.
Another shot from LittleBit 's man, and I was feeling pretty good. The drunk sergeant was trying -- holding me closer, describing his room, asking about my barracks. He said he wanted to kiss me. Flattering. I actually considered it for a bit, in my drunken haze. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to kiss him.
But I knew where to draw the line.
Twig and LittleBit finished with their men, and they all came to collect me.
Back at the barracks, all I could think of was MeuAmor.
The sergeant lied. He was married.
I was standing at the bar idly sipping on my cranberry and vodka while chatting with Fifi. Twig and LittleBit had ran off to be with their men. I wasn't even going to go out, but after the conversation I had with MeuAmor, I didn't even care.
Standing in the bottom bay, watching a convoy of military vechiles go by, I listened to MeuAmor's voice as he explained rather impatiently that he was busy, that he didn't want me to call back, that he didn't have time to talk, that a client was giving him a hard time about not having his computer ready on time. His voice got louder and louder, thinking that I couldn't hear him. I heard every word, every word that cresandoed into the next. I just wanted to talk to him. He said that he wanted to, too. No time no time no time. I was tired of waiting.
So I went out with the girls. Fifi and I ended up standing at the bar. Two guys across the way were chasing jello shots with beer. Their next round, the bartender handed us a couple of shots. The guys joined us shortly afterwards, asking if we were spouses or soldiers. They swore they were single. After showing off my apparently erotic jello shot technique, we struck up a conversation.
It wasn't long until I had a twenty-something drunk sergeant glued to my side, bullshitting about everything and anything. I actually didn't mind the attention. And he was paying for the drinks. What was he hoping for? Someone to warm his bed? He managed to talk me into dancing with him. His hand on my ass, my hand brushing his arm, feeling the tense muscles underneath. This was dangerous.
Another shot from LittleBit 's man, and I was feeling pretty good. The drunk sergeant was trying -- holding me closer, describing his room, asking about my barracks. He said he wanted to kiss me. Flattering. I actually considered it for a bit, in my drunken haze. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to kiss him.
But I knew where to draw the line.
Twig and LittleBit finished with their men, and they all came to collect me.
Back at the barracks, all I could think of was MeuAmor.
The sergeant lied. He was married.
11 May 2006
Type A Memorandum
I've spent way too much time in front of a computer today. Typing. And I manage to drag myself to the library to type some more. Ah, such is life.
Training is starting to pick up. I'm trying to get myself more focused on the stuff I need to do here. It's hard, yes, but it's good for me. If I keep myself in this same mindset over my break and annual training I should be fine by the time we come back here for our mobilization.
Really, I have a great group of people. I'm really excited to work with them. I'm even more excited to be deploying with them.
This will be good for me, I think.
Training is starting to pick up. I'm trying to get myself more focused on the stuff I need to do here. It's hard, yes, but it's good for me. If I keep myself in this same mindset over my break and annual training I should be fine by the time we come back here for our mobilization.
Really, I have a great group of people. I'm really excited to work with them. I'm even more excited to be deploying with them.
This will be good for me, I think.
10 May 2006
a cold goodnight
I want to cry. Not because I had a bad day -- on the contrary, it's been a good day, training included -- it's just... The one that I expected to support me the most... Isn't supporting me.
The girls tell me to brush it off. To take it all in stride. Our friends tell us that it'll be okay. His cousin says we'll still run away and get married. But the little voice in the back of my head constantly wonders if I got on the wrong plane.
I'm terrified that my relationship is going to fall apart and there will be nothing that I can do to stop it. Not for lack of trying, either.
The girls tell me to brush it off. To take it all in stride. Our friends tell us that it'll be okay. His cousin says we'll still run away and get married. But the little voice in the back of my head constantly wonders if I got on the wrong plane.
I'm terrified that my relationship is going to fall apart and there will be nothing that I can do to stop it. Not for lack of trying, either.
Techno: why are you so cold with me? on the phone, on MSN. I try to talk to you, but you don't seem to want to
MeuAmor: I really have to go
Techno: please just answer me?
MeuAmor: Yes, I still don't want to talk to you, I am still upset with you. What do you expect? If you was me? What would you do?
Techno: I would support you. I would give you the strength to do it. I would cry in private
MeuAmor: Yeah, but I am not you
Techno: you're right. but I could use your support. my mom doesn't like it either, and she gives me her support
MeuAmor: I can't support in something I don't agree
Techno: why?
MeuAmor: Too much tired. bye
Techno: when can I talk to you again? really talk to you?
MeuAmor: I don't know
Techno: should I even try?
MeuAmor: I don't know either
Techno: ...
MeuAmor: Good night
09 May 2006
better day?
I'm chalking everything up as a bad day yesterday. Training is still a joke, certain cadre members are still pricks, but this is the Army -- bend over and ask for more.
The conversation I had with the boyfriend last night didn't help much either. Things in the Army change, constantly. And I told him that. I explained that I might not be going where I think I'm going. He didn't take too kindly to that. I think he's just scared. Stressed. Who could blame him?
I'm spending my days learning Army-related vocabulary in other languages. Is this a sign of things to come?
The conversation I had with the boyfriend last night didn't help much either. Things in the Army change, constantly. And I told him that. I explained that I might not be going where I think I'm going. He didn't take too kindly to that. I think he's just scared. Stressed. Who could blame him?
I'm spending my days learning Army-related vocabulary in other languages. Is this a sign of things to come?
08 May 2006
not so easy
I thought that once I got here, all of this would be a breeze. Or maybe I'm making it harder on myself.
Training is a joke, the females are snippy, and I'm frustrated by everything.
Maybe it's culture shock. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm lonely.
I don't want to think about it, either way. And I really shouldn't be dwelling on it.
Staying positive about all of this is harder than I thought.
Did I make the right choice? Did I pick the right plane?
Training is a joke, the females are snippy, and I'm frustrated by everything.
Maybe it's culture shock. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm lonely.
I don't want to think about it, either way. And I really shouldn't be dwelling on it.
Staying positive about all of this is harder than I thought.
Did I make the right choice? Did I pick the right plane?
07 May 2006
here!
After a very very long day yesterday, I made it here.
A motorcycle ride to the airport, a plane to another major hub, a layover where I met other Army-types, another plane ride to a hole-in-the-wall airport, a bus ride -- less than 12 hours of travelling, yes, but a lot of waiting around. Hurry up and wait, the Army way.
Today we tried to start training. Didn't work very well. Spent half of the day waiting for our passwords to be issued, then come to find out that we can't get online. Which is where all of the tutorials are. Tutorials for things that I studied last year: Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint... Leave No Soldier Behind, I suppose? Or is it Death by PowerPoint? I guess we'll see.
So today? Worthless. But I'm here, and that's a first step in everything.
A motorcycle ride to the airport, a plane to another major hub, a layover where I met other Army-types, another plane ride to a hole-in-the-wall airport, a bus ride -- less than 12 hours of travelling, yes, but a lot of waiting around. Hurry up and wait, the Army way.
Today we tried to start training. Didn't work very well. Spent half of the day waiting for our passwords to be issued, then come to find out that we can't get online. Which is where all of the tutorials are. Tutorials for things that I studied last year: Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint... Leave No Soldier Behind, I suppose? Or is it Death by PowerPoint? I guess we'll see.
So today? Worthless. But I'm here, and that's a first step in everything.
06 May 2006
gee, I stand out
As if the camo wasn't painfully obvious (and did no good getting me through security any faster), people really enjoy staring when I talk on my cell phone in Portuguese. Sometimes I think that gets more attention than the uniform wearing.
Anyways, at the airport, too tired to do schoolwork, but must stay awake for boarding.
I don't think there's enough coffee in the world to keep me awake right now.
Anyways, at the airport, too tired to do schoolwork, but must stay awake for boarding.
I don't think there's enough coffee in the world to keep me awake right now.
ready, steady, go
Bags are packed, finals are finished, and the only thing I'm waiting on now is a ride to the airport.
Also, the Army does not know how to spell my legal name.
Shame on them.
Also, the Army does not know how to spell my legal name.
Shame on them.
02 May 2006
between the two of us
A classmate of mine is going off to "school" the same time I am -- this weekend. Today, he took all of his finals. He's all set, except he hasn't packed.
Now, me on the other hand? Completely packed. But taking the finals, one by one.
He joked that between the two of us, we have a complete deployment all ready to go.
Now, me on the other hand? Completely packed. But taking the finals, one by one.
He joked that between the two of us, we have a complete deployment all ready to go.
01 May 2006
The civilian side of life
I should be studying right now, cramming for the first of many finals this week. But I want to take the time to relax, to collect myself, to get motivated.
Also, I want to remember life here. The civilian side of my life. The life that I'm leaving behind for a little while. I want to remember laying on the campus green and staring up at trees in full bloom whose branches criss-cross a blue sky. I want to remember the sound of various languages all jiving together in the language building. I want to remember all of the craziness that is the trademark of my deptment head/professor. I want to remember the delicate lilt that my French prof has in his voice when he reads a text. I want to remember zooming by on the back of a motorcycle. I want to remember the messy office that never seems to stay clean for long.
And that's not even a fraction of it all. I don't think I'll ever be able to put it all into words.
I'll miss them, that's for sure.
Also, I want to remember life here. The civilian side of my life. The life that I'm leaving behind for a little while. I want to remember laying on the campus green and staring up at trees in full bloom whose branches criss-cross a blue sky. I want to remember the sound of various languages all jiving together in the language building. I want to remember all of the craziness that is the trademark of my deptment head/professor. I want to remember the delicate lilt that my French prof has in his voice when he reads a text. I want to remember zooming by on the back of a motorcycle. I want to remember the messy office that never seems to stay clean for long.
And that's not even a fraction of it all. I don't think I'll ever be able to put it all into words.
I'll miss them, that's for sure.
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