just roll with it

You know, I'm more than halfway done with this school. I am enjoying myself here. I am bonding with people. I am learning a lot about some of the people on The List that I wouldn't have found out otherwise. I'm enjoying their company more than I thought I would, too. Even the ones in the New Unit that I haven't known all that long. I will miss some of them if they split us up, and I won't miss others. But I know which ones I'd like to spend a tour with.

I'm still learning about myself. That the band isn't for me, but it's been one of the good things in my life. (Well, as far as the Army goes.) I'd rather be a linguist, at least on the Army side of things. I still don't know what I want to be or where I want to live when I grow up. I'm not content to be a Specialist until someone dies or retires. I really really like gourmet coffee, and the Army does not believe in it. I'd like to try a brain sandwich, just once. I am high speed, and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I really have a drive to do well, to excel. That my family -- and MeuAmor's family -- is really important to me, and it's hard to describe that to someone that doesn't have that.

And you know what? I could use the extra money from AT. Doesn't mean I want to be there. Doesn't mean that I'm still not going to try to get a solid answer. Doesn't mean that I'm not ready to go. Doesn't mean that I'm going to be exactly chipper and cheery. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to shed tears about it. But, Uncle Suga' is bound to come collecting sometime.

My life, my time is really not mine any more. Not until this deployment is over, at least. That's a really hard thing to come to terms with. I'm not sure if it's something that's hitting me now, or if it's just bubbling up right now. I know I don't do well with uncertainty, and that's all I have for the time being.

There's still a little -- little? no, big -- part of me that wishes that I had gotten on the plane to Brazil. That I was surrounded by MeuAmor's family. That I was learning new words that had nothing to do with the Army. That I could hang out in the hammock reading a book.

I really miss that hammock. And the boy that goes with it.

But, as everyone is telling me now: just roll with it. Take it all in stride.

This too shall pass.