an end to an era?

I walked into the office this morning, and I heard a voice exclaim "Turn the news on -- Saddam is dead!"

Today, the beginning of Eid Al-Adha, Saddam Hussein was hung.

for the record...

This is more of my reaction to the WP article than anything, just so you're forewarned. Most of you (because I know that people are out there, even if I am in denial) that have been reading know that MeuExAmor and I broke up all the way back in early October. The rest of you, finding your way here from either the article or Milblogging, don't necessarily know that. Which definitely is not how I was represented in the article, giving the appearance that I am using this deployment to help me heal from the end of the relationship.

If anything, I saw the end of the relationship coming. I realized this on more than one occasion during reclassification school several months ago -- I even decided on the plane home that it was over -- but I don't think I was quite ready to call it quits, for one reason or another. And it's not that I am or was afraid or didn't want to be alone. I went on a dinner date with InfantryMedic, I spent time at the club with Sweetheart, and I have had several eye-opening conversations with Lucky.

This deployment wasn't meant for me to heal. That was never my intention. I volunteered out of a sense of duty, the need (and want) to give myself a step up in this world, the dream of studying in Paris, and to actually have money in the bank rather than living off of the menial income I have when I'm a student. For the years that I have been in the band, I have sat in the back of auditoriums and watched the deployment ceremonies for other soldiers in my state so many times that I've lost count. And in the process, I became desensitized to it all. Having the band -- my band, my unit -- at my deployment ceremony was rather surreal. I was given the opportunity to be at the front of the auditorium rather than in the back, and I took it along with everything that came with it.

Do I regret making that decision? No, not one bit, even though it was a very difficult one to make. Do I regret cancelling my trip to Brazil? Yes. I was looking forward to spending time with MeuExAmor and his family, no matter how bad the romantic relationship was. Do I miss my family and friends? Of course! Do I miss university? Surprisingly, yes. That place has been the center of my universe for the past two years. Do I miss my civilian job at the planetarium? You have no idea, and there is no way for me to really describe what that place and the people associated with it mean to me.

Really, this is more like the going-away-to-college experience that I never had. I'm completely out of my element and away from everything that is near and dear to me. Only I'm not getting crazy at a frat party nor am I skipping classes. So aside from all of the schoolwork and studying I'm not doing, the emotional bit of "being away at college" is very true to this situation. It really has made me learn what things are truly important to me and what kind of people that I want to surround myself with. And if that's the only thing I get out of this deployment, I'm okay with that.

distant memory

I ran into one of my former classmates today, who is occasionally in my building as part of his official duties. He asked about my Christmas, and I told him that it was different. Holidays here are pretty much an open and shut case. At home, it's a whole other story. There are still gatherings going on there, for better or worse. The decorations probably won't come down until after the new year.

Christmas is quickly becoming a distant memory here.

"Their Christmas at War"

Their Christmas At War
By David Ignatius
Friday, December 22, 2006; Page A33

Thanks to a military blogger who calls himself "Blackfive" ("The Paratrooper of Love"), we have a snapshot of what Christmas looks like this year at Camp Taji, 20 miles north of Baghdad. It's a man dressed up in a Santa Claus suit, standing behind a "sleigh" that is actually an unmanned aerial vehicle and six soldiers who are wearing antlers and perched precariously on the launch ramp.

Or we can read this Christmas message posted Dec. 21 from "Lt. Col. Patrick," an Air Force C-130 pilot. Next to a picture, taken at his base, of a Christmas tree decorated with festive lights, he writes: "Holiday deployments are difficult but the one characteristic that comes from being away from home at this time of year is that everyone else misses home too. You don't hear people actually complain about missing Christmas at home I think because we're all in it together." Misery may love company, but in the military, it keeps its mouth shut.

This holiday season, America is struggling through a searing national debate about Iraq. The horror of the war feels immediate, even to people who've never been near Baghdad, but less so the humanity of the thousands of American soldiers who are serving there. That's part of the Iraq disconnect: The war dominates our political life, but the men and women in the midst of it often are nearly invisible. We see them in thumbnail photos in group obituaries but not as real, living people.

If you read soldiers' blogs, and I've looked at several dozen over the past few days, you see a recurring anger that the media aren't telling their story. So I'll let a few of the military bloggers speak for themselves. If you want to share in the conversation, a good place to start is http://milblogging.com/, which collects blogs from soldiers deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world.

Needless to say, the first thing most American soldiers are thinking about is getting back home. They wait for a magic acronym: RIP/TOA, which means: "Relief in Place/Transfer of Authority." In his blog, "Duty in the Desert," Lt. Col. Patrick writes: "You can easily tell the folks that have been here awhile from the newer arrivals. New guys tell you how they're doing and what they're feeling. The old heads, deployed longer, start off every sentence with how many days remaining in their tour."

A young woman who calls herself "Techno" has a small Christmas tree at the foot of her bed. She explains in her blog that she broke up with her boyfriend before joining the Army and coming to Iraq. She wrote this week: "I really can't think of a better place to go through all of this. Back home, I would have been a mess for a lot longer and really would have gone back to him."

Her motto atop her Web page reads in part: "I belong to the Army. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it doesn't."

What does Iraq mean? For many soldiers, the big issues debated back home are less important than the simple reality of being there. A 23-year-old soldier who calls himself "Dreadcow," who recently returned home, tries to explain: "As much as it sucked I wouldn't trade my time in the desert for anything. . . . When people ask me what I did during the war I don't have to say I shoveled [expletive] and picked strawberries." Dreadcow says he has learned two things from Iraqis: the importance of having a special place for your gun at home, and the requirement that "every male should have some sort of facial hair."

The military bloggers celebrate their heroes, like Pfc. Ross A. McGinnis, a 19-year-old Army gunner from Knox, Pa., who died Dec. 4 falling on a grenade that was thrown into his truck, thereby saving his buddies. His platoon sergeant explained: "He had time to jump out of the truck. He chose not to." His friend Pfc. Brennan Beck said of him: "He loved it here in Iraq. He loved being a gunner. It was a thrill, he loved everything about it." He was awarded the Silver Star posthumously.

War changes people. That's something that comes through powerfully in these soldiers' accounts of life in the battle zone. "Grey Eagle," the moniker of a 35-year-old combat medic serving with the 101st Airborne Division, writes in her blog, "I have been living in another life time another dimension so separate from the world I left behind that I fear I may never really find my way back. Will those I love be able to accept me if I was not the exact person they knew. Would they be angry with me for the loss of my innocence."

And yes, you did read that correctly. I was mentioned in the Washington Post.

Thank you, Mr. Ignatius, for making my Christmas a little brighter.

holidays of contrasts

Last year I had rushed home from work to be with my family for our Christmas celebration. Blondie and her family had come up for a few days, and it had been a long time since we were all together for the holiday. I remember the two of us sitting on my kitchen floor, playing dolls with our littlest cousin and talking about our hopes for the future. Blondie spoke of going Active Duty while I was dreaming of France. Above everything else, I remember being surrounded by family. Little cousins underfoot, aunts, uncles, godparents, grandparents, the good, the bad, the ugly. Christmas trees, cookies and sweets, traditional and American foods, home.

This year is the first year I've been away from home for the holidays. I always thought it would be when I was in France, in a landscape that was a little more familiar. Not to say that it's a bad thing, just different.

This year I'm surrounded by friends, and I know I'm in the thoughts of those back home. It's harder than what I thought it would be. There are no little cousins here to play with, to cuddle, to share silly secrets with. There are no aunts here to ask about my love life. There is no place to bake, and no one to bake with. There is no fussing about what ornament goes where on the tree. There will be no long drawn out holiday, no visiting relatives.

Christmas here will be a day off of work and an early morning run. It's such a surreal thing.

Such a contrast.

even my mom thinks that I need bigger rocks

Techno: MOMMMMMMMY!
Mom: Morning .
Techno: Why do boys suck?
Mom: Now what?
Techno: Don't really want to talk about it. But, they suck. Maybe it's because I'm one of the few women out here surrounded by guys?
Mom: Just hit them in the head with a rock.
Techno: I think I need bigger rocks. I need rocks that go up north, to Brazil, and... I'm sure I can find other places.
Mom: Maybe a boulder will do?
Techno: I think. I might have to mail some of them.

It scares me when I have two conversations with two very different men regarding baby mama drama.

not destroying each other

It is our earth, not yours or mine or his. We are meant to live on it, helping each other, not destroying each other.

- J. Krishnamurti

I truly do not believe that most people in this world set out to hurt others.

So why do we do it?

avec beaucoup de tristesse

Je pense à elles avec beaucoup de tristesse
Quand la lune est pleine
Quelles fêtes, quelles dances
Et quelles chansons se passent sans moi?

I think about them with great sadness
When the moon is full
What parties, what dances
What songs are happening without me?

--Autrefois by Pink Martini

My mom sent Christmas gifts from my grandmother last week. Along with the presents there was a card. All it read was "you are missed."

Part of Gram's gift was a recordable oranment. In the background of the recording she has Frank Ticheli's Vesuvius, and over that, her sharply contrasting voice wishing me happy holidays.

I miss them too.

progress is measured in funny ways

A boy: Emotional abuse? Not to downplay all of that, but...
Techno: I know. I let him do it. And I'm still upset with myself for that.
A boy: So forget all of that. Open mind, open heart.
Techno: I'm trying, really, I am. And I'm a lot better now than I used to be.

Progress is slow and measured in funny ways, but I think I'll be alright.

I really can't think of a better place to go through all of this. Back home, I would have been a mess for a lot longer and really would have gone back to him. But not here.

Christmas is coming

Twig bought lights for our little Christmas tree. So it's all lit up and pretty at the foot of my bed. I might put a few of my still-wrapped presents under it. Or buy Twig something and stick it under there.

She walked into the quad singing "Oh Christmas tree..."
Keeping up with her tempo, I sang "Oh Christmas tree..."

We giggled like little school girls.

shock and disbelief

Writing long emails, one at a time, knowing that they're being received with a great feeling of shock and disbelief.

How much do we really know of each other's personal lives?

normal stuff

My bed is mostly light-proofed now, and I think it's quite a comfy little cave. When I left for work this morning Twig was hanging Christmas lights that my mom sent to us, so our quad is slowly turning into a dorm room. Only, you know, without the walls.

The three of us are going on a day trip together, which is quite exciting. It's been a long time since we have spent any time together outside of the barracks. FreshMeat is going on leave soon, so after this it'll be two very long weeks without her. Not that we normally trip over each other or anything.

Speaking of leave... Fuzz's girlfriend asked me if I was taking leave after the baby is born. Um, no. Aside from the fact that the baby is due during the period that I can't take leave, I'm not coming home for leave. How many times do I have to tell people that I am not coming home?

not moving

Okay, so I'm not moving, at least no time soon. Apparently it was an option, and I never had that impression.

So so tired. I miss walls, quiet and darkness.

things that scare the crap out of me

Spent time at work Googling again. Here's a few snippets of what I found. Emphasis is mine.

*****

From TEAR:

Abusers often use excuses such as, "If you love me you would..." or "You have to make sacrifices for a relationship," or "It would really make me happy if you wouldn’t..." Using these phrases doesn't come across as demanding; and therefore can be hard to distinguish as what they really are: a way to take advantage of someone.

Victims may stay in abusive relationship because they...
...feel responsible
...think that jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of love
...may not realize they are being abused
...have no one to go to
...are inexperienced with dating relationships
...feel pressured to be in a relationship
...have a lowered self-esteem
...don’t want to think the person they love is hurting them
...may believe the abuse is their fault
...hope that their partner will stop being abusive
...believe they are in love
...are not ready to leave their partner

*****

Shortened red flag list from Dr Irene:

• Jealous of time or resources you give others.
• Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
• Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
• Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
• States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
• Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
• Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
• Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
• Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
• Has "trouble" at work.
• Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
• Is very concerned about their public image.
• Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
• Attempts to make you jealous or insecure.
• Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
• Is jealous and suspicious.
• Accuses you of infidelity.
• Uses guilt trips.
• Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
• Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
• Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
• Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
• Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
• Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
• Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.

*****

Yeah. Scary.

he's called Lucky for a reason

Lucky: Do you love me?
Techno: I don't know. And being out here just fucks with my head. And, I think I'm really just afraid.
Lucky: Afraid of?
Techno: Being in an unhealthy relationship, I think? Like, I want to do what I want to do without feeling bad or guilty or that I have to hide it. As stupid as that sounds.
Lucky: And what is it you wanna do?
Techno: Fly with my boss, look into the warrant officer program, travel, graduate without rushing, spend time with my friends at home.
Lucky: So what's holdin' you up?
Techno: Being here. No, that was all stuff that he had serious issues with.
Lucky: Well you should go do all that. His opinions no longer matter. You're free of that.
Techno: I know. Believe me, I know.
Lucky: Well I want you to be happy and do as you please. Just don't forget me and know that I love you.

He's called Lucky for a reason. And the story behind all of this (and him) is a rather personal one and may never be posted. But it's a very good thing that he's in my life right now.

Also, I feel like I owe many many people an apology, but there are too many people and reasons to list, so I'm not going to bother.

so long already?

It's been roughly six months since I've started all of this crazy Army stuff. Six very long months. And I still feel uneasy in uniform. Will it get better?

Also, it's amazing who I still maintain contact with and who I don't. Fifi and I text, email or talk a few times a week and I've been fortunate enough to see her once since we've been over here. We keep each other sane. I avoid LittleBit to the best of my ability, for the sake of my sanity. So tired of hearing about weddings, and I almost hope that I never fret over the details of one. InfantryMedic sends email, and sometimes attaches videos of himself just chatting away. His emails are signed with an acronym that I don't understand. Sweetheart sends messages now and then, but since he's told me about his baby I've tried to do my best to drop off the radar. He doesn't like to talk about himself or his situation. I live with Twig, but not for much longer. According to her, out of the females that are here, I know her best. I go days without seeing Sgt Z, which is quite sad. I miss my mentor and all of her guidence.

To say that my life has changed significantly since the start of this would be an understatement. Some of it's for the best, and I keep telling myself that.

Such a pity that I had to come out to the middle of nowhere to do it, but I think Ipo has a point: the Army is the easiest, quickest means I have of uprooting, going elsewhere and leaving all of that crap normally associated with my life behind.

I am lucky that I have such great friends.

Je ne veux pas travailler

Je ne veux pas travailler
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
Je veux seulement oublier
Et puis je fume

-- Sympathique by Pink Martini

I slept through PT this morning. My supervisor came in to check on me afterwards -- "are you okay?" she asks. Meaning, really, "are you sick?" No, not sick, not hurt, just exhausted. But that's what happens when your roommates work different shifts than you do.

Which means that if I had second thoughts about moving out of the quad before, they are there no longer. As soon my new bed opens up, I'm dragging all my stuff down the hall.

embrace the suck

"Embrace the suck."

Sweetheart told me this oh so very long ago, but I don't think I've done much of it.

What's the first part of embracing the suck, anyways?

when everything you touch turns to dust

I never did make it to the Chaplain's office today. A whole packet of work was dumped unceremoniously at my desk, and I only half-understand what's going on. And then add drama about typed dates and office codes and other administrative crap.

Oh, and I shredded an important document.

MeuExAmor has been suicidal since I broke up with him. I mean, he had said ages ago that if I broke up with him, he wouldn't have the will to live, would want to die... and some of the stuff he said to me on the phone was pretty scary.

...I just thought that he got better, that it was all behind him, and it wasn't.

And I never said anything about it to anyone who mattered.

why am I here, again?

I let the track beat me today, I let the push-ups beat me today, and I let my leg beat me today.

I feel like crawling up in my bunk with a book and ignoring the world for the rest of the night.

Lately I've had a really bad case of the "I don't wannas". Don't want to leave the barracks after the sun has set, don't want to crawl out of bed for PT, don't want to call MeuExAmor, don't want to write letters or cards, don't want to clean. It's terrible, really.

Why am I here, anyways?

not what I want

Lucky: Why did you decide to not go to Brazil?
Techno: Just wouldn't be a good thing for me to do.
Lucky: So are you coming back to the States then?
Techno: No, sorry. It just wouldn't be fair. There would be a lot of people to visit, and two weeks isn't a lot of time.

Why does everyone think I'm coming home?

That's not what I want.

not another day at the office

Feasting my eyes the glittering blue of the Gulf -- a big change from the monotone world of sand -- I felt a sense of calm.

I spent the night crawling on and off trucks, pulling, cutting, tying. Doing what some would call man's work. Working alongside third country nationals who stared and laughed at this soldier, this woman, working and joking with men that were definitely not her relatives, struggling and finding a way to do the same job that they did. If it's work, can I call it a vacation?

It's almost like someone somewhere knew I needed this.

just a year in the life

Lucky: Techno...
Techno: Yeah?
Lucky: I love you. I hope you're okay. Worried 'bout you. You okay?
Techno: I don't know.

This was supposed to be a calm year, and it has been everything but.

And yet... I know that when I look back and think about all of this, it will be no more than a year in the life of Techno.

Sometimes life is crazy, sometimes life isn't. Being exiled in the desert doesn't change any of that.

And as much as I want to be on a plane to Brazil, a train to New York, a subway in Hong Kong, or under artificial stars back home -- this is the place where I need to be, for oh so many reasons.

doesn't anyone have to work?

I laid in bed wondering why there was so much noise in the barracks... it's daytime... people should be working.

So I asked, to no one in particular, "doesn't anyone have to work?"

Twig giggled at me. It was the end of the duty day and everyone had just come home. I had slept all day.

can't do it

I'm not going to Brazil on my leave.

I'm done to playing into what he still believes his life is.

I just can't do it.

this movie of the week life

This was supposed to be a calm year. And it has been everything but.

I hate my life feeling like a drama-filled movie of the week where you can't really believe that something like this has happened, but you do, because it's supposedly based on a real story.

Take this real story and shove it.

hindsight is 20/20...

Three seizures. Sad. Upset. Confused.

I'm such a shitty person.

Desculpe

Só por hoje eu não quero mais chorar
Só por hoje eu espero conseguir
Aceitar o que passou e o que virá
Só por hoje vou me lembrar que sou feliz.

-- "Só por hoje" - Legião Urbana

What do you say to someone who only remembers the good bits of you, when you know that you've hurt them so deeply?

Techno: Desculpe.
MeuExAmor: For what? Why are you saying that? I love you.
Techno: Voce não lembra.
MeuExAmor: You're confusing me...
Techno: Ta bom...

Nao chore

Techno: Te amo.
MeuExAmor: Voce me ama?
Techno: Sim.
MeuExAmor: Por que?
Techno: *sniffles*
MeuExAmor: Voce esta chorando?
Techno: Sim.
MeuExAmor: Por que? Eu estou bem. Nao chore.
Techno: Tem certeza?
MeuExAmor: Tenho.

He's awake, he can speak a little English, and he kind of knows who I am.

He doesn't know where I am or why I'm there.

Ai meu Deus, what did I do?

The American Red Cross doesn't have an agreement with Brasil. There's no way for them to verify an emergency message, and therefore no way for me to get emergency leave. I'm a half a world away, stranded in the desert, and I think this is the only time that I looked up at a plane and wished that I was on it since I've been here.

All I want is to be there.

ps, I'm sorry

MeuExAmor had an accident. He's comatose in the hospital.

And no one answers their phones.

I can't believe that I said such shitty things to him.

insecurity

I told Twig this morning that I just felt so very insecure, and she looked at me a bit funny and asked why.

Because I haven't been able to get anything right for awhile. Or when I do get it right, I screw up something else.

Coming to terms with that isn't easy.

just do it

Note to self: The next time when you think that you probably should keep your mouth shut, do it.

closure? pssh, where's the potato gun.

I don't get why I'm still so upset about MeuExAmor. Fifi says it's because I need closure. And then we rapidly switched the conversation over to potato guns. But seriously, closure from what? Think I'm still working that one out.

belated announcement

Hipster proposed to EnglishProf.

We're very much excited for them.

One!
All you soldiers
Two!
You better do your best
Three!
Before you find yourself
Four!
In the leaning rest

One!
Hit it
Two!
Hit it
Three!
Hit it
Four!
Hit it

One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four
We like it here
We love it here
We've finally found a home
A what?
A home
A home
A home away from home
Hooah!

One of our favorite cadances in class. You know, when we can actually not march each other into the fence during drill and ceremony practice. Apparently some of us (myself included) can't call cadance and march a group at the same time. Much easier said than done.

And even though I'm having a really shitty day (which is entirely my own fault, stupid girl), I still think I picked the right plane. It's affected just about every aspect of my life, but that's okay.

I may live with a demon in my leg, but it hasn't killed me yet.

new addition

Fuzz: "How does Aunt Techno sound?"
Techno: "I'm going to kill you."

Not really, but I wasn't exactly thrilled.

The news has been told to just about everyone now, so I felt like it was safe to share (finally!)

It's just so weird to think about it, for a number of reasons. I've known the mom-to-be for years, but she hasn't been romantically involved with my brother for all that long. She got pregnant just as I was leaving the country. I'm going to miss the baby shower, the birth, the first few months. And even when I do come home, I don't plan on sticking around for very long.

There's this whole new addition to the family that I won't get to meet for a long, long time.

things that take balls

MedicGeek called my mom. Which, according to her, took balls.

Conversations between MedicGeek and I have gotten interesting lately, especially now that we're done scolding each other for some of the decisions that we've made in our personal lives. I was really close to cutting him out of my life entirely before I deployed, and now I'm really glad that I haven't.

But, I still have issues and he still has issues.

And really, it's way too soon.

baby daddy drama

The size of our family is going to be increasing, which has led all sorts of interesting conversations, including mundane arguments as to whether or not Fuzz is really going to Japan with me. Mom and I have both voted no, Fuzz and his girlfriend have voted yes.

What part of "you're not going to be able to afford it" does he not understand?

*****

Talked to Sweetheart online the other day. It was kind of a freak thing, considering how long it takes him to reply to emails and such. He just returned from leave, so I asked him about it. To which he replied that it was fine and proceeded to ask me if he told me about his new baby boy. Uh, no.

He had the nerve to ask "still lots of love?"

Let's think about this for a second. Uh, no. And I don't think I'll go out of my way to contact him ever again.

*****

I think I need bigger rocks.

in other news...

I have a new job, again. But this time it's very exciting. Why? Amoung the other various things that I get to do, part of my duties entail being the personal assistant to the Sergeant Major.

Going from being the invisible bass clarinetist to the Sergeant Major's personal assistant? Whoa, man. Whoa.

umm, yeah, by the way...

Ever have one of those times when you probably should have just kept your mouth shut? Yeah, definitely having one of those times. And a few awkward conversations have arisen because of it. Not saying that it's a good thing or a bad thing, because honestly, I don't even know yet.

you drank?

Rocky: I just got up. And this is early for me.
Techno: I know. I've had lunch already
Rocky: And on saturday, I was extremely drunk
Techno: you drank?
Rocky: I get that reaction a lot...

You have to know the two of us to really get it, but, I thought it was amusing.

Sometimes I miss him more than I'll care to admit. But things turned out okay. And he's still the best person to talk to about... whatever, really.

staff duty

Staff duty... the all-nighter for the Army crowd. Oh joy. Some places on this post really never do sleep.

The only good thing about it was that I was able to actually talk to a few people back home for more than 15 minutes. And that is always nice, even if I'm already in a really good mood.

snow!!

I called Fuzz this morning, and he said that it's snowing there. Snow! In October!

Meanwhile, it's bright and sunny and warm here. The same as always. How boring.

exile

They exiled me, where I'm working like a dog on various Spreadsheets of Doom and generally hating whomever thought that simplifying names of things would simplify the lives of anyone and everyone who deals with supply. You can feel the love, can't you? I'm supposed to be back to my regular job in a little more than a week.

not logical

I call the planetarium to check in -- the usual "hey, I'm still alive" bit -- and got to talk to Bossman.

Bossman: "PhysicsGeek told me something the other day, and I'd almost hate to ask, but..."
Techno: "Yeah, I made a grown man cry."

Then he played the dad role for a bit and listened to my explanation and assured me that everything would be okay. And I know it sounds weird, but we are his kids. And he is very much a father figure to me.

I just didn't think that I would be this upset after talking to him about it.

If I dumped him, why am I still so torn up about it?

note to self

It's probably not a good idea to listen to Legião Urbana when I'm having a bad day.

Não penso em me vingar
Não sou assim...
(1° de Julho - Legião Urbana)

mere symbols

I finally took off my ring this morning. It sat on my desk for a few minutes while I just stared at it. MeuAmor has been home all week, and I know he cried the last time I talked to him. He hasn't wanted to talk to me since. In reality, it's probably better that way -- all it does is make him upset. It's hard to describe the mix of emotions that I'm going through right now.

MeuAmor: "Do you still love me?"
Techno: "Yes."
MeuAmor: "Then why are we breaking? Why are you throwing two years into the trash?"
Techno: "Because sometimes, love just isn't enough."

Over the chatter of twenty-some other people on the MWR phones, he didn't hear me.

He doesn't understand. He'll probably never understand.

ARNEWS: Virginia National Guard eyes Web sites, blogs

The following is exactly why I don't mention a lot of specifics or post pictures.

WASHINGTON (Army News Service, Oct. 12, 2006) – Big Brother is not watching you, but 10 members of a Virginia National Guard unit might be.

The Manassas-based Virginia Data Processing Unit activated a team in July for one year to scan official and unofficial Army Web sites for operational security violations.

The team, which works under the direction of the Army Web Risk Assessment Cell, Army Office of Information Assurance and Compliance, notifies webmasters and blog writers when they find documents, pictures and other items that may compromise security.

The team uses several scanning tools to monitor sites for OPSEC violations. The tools search for such key words as “for official use only” or “top secret,” and records the number of times they are used on a site. Analysts review the results to determine which, if any, need further investigation.

(cut for length)

When a team member finds information that could be sensitive, he or she marks it for further investigation. Another team member reviews the item and determines if the webmaster or blog writer should be notified. Most notifications are made by e-mail, and the person responsible is given a few days to respond, depending on the severity of the issue.

When secret documents are found, the site owner is notified immediately by phone. Official sites are contacted through either the webmaster, or in some cases, the unit’s chain of command.

The most common OPSEC violations found on official sites are For Official Use Only (FOUO) documents and limited distribution documents, as well as home addresses, birthdates and home phone numbers.Unofficial blogs often show pictures with sensitive information in the background, including classified documents, entrances to camps or weapons. One Soldier showed his ammo belt, on which the tracer pattern was easily identifiable.

Although AWRAC contacts Soldiers who write unofficial blogs, the team does not review sites that lack public access. Team members identify themselves as AWRAC representatives, and work with a legal counsel to ensure their actions adhere to law and Army regulations.

(cut again for length)

next verse, same as the first

Every morning I wake up, get dressed, and go to work. I squint in the sun and kick the sand around, just to watch it billow up and blow away. My boots look like they've been dipped in flour. At breakfast I look for the fruit that's fairly close to ripe, but not overripe. Usually I eat alone -- I'm in too much of a hurry to sit and chat -- trying to make out what's going on in the news. I get on the bus, put on my headphones, and try to keep the sun out of my eyes. No one talks on the bus in the mornings. My stop comes up, I get off, and walk the rest of the way. Eyes wide open, right hand empty, walking with a sense of purpose and giving proper military courtesy to those who pass me. Approach my building, open the bay door, slide down to my desk, sit down and log in. And do... nothing. All day.

On a really hot day I try to stay inside while the sun is out. On a windy day I try to stay inside while the winds are rough. Basically, the only good time to go outside is at night. No sun, no heat. Just don't try to look up at the stars -- you can see hardly anything because of the light pollution. Orion and Taurus come out in the middle of the night; winter is coming. Not sure what that means, though. I keep expecting it to at least rain, but day after day the sky is cloudless.

The last time I called the planetarium Bossman asked if I had settled in yet. My days all blur together. Day after day it's the same routine. Wash, rinse, repeat. At least my body is getting the chance to recover from all of the abuse known as mobilization training.

It could be much, much worse. Blondie's base gets mortared, Sweetheart leaves the wire everyday. I sit in an office.

so sorry

Dear MeuAmor,

I'm sorry. So very sorry.

You probably won't understand.

I'm not asking you to.

a belated thank you

Dear MedicGeek, InfantryMedic, FratBoy, Sgt Playa, Sweetheart, and Lucky:

Thank you.

not a good time to be a part of my life

I have had way too much time to think. I have had way too much time to talk to other people. And it seems that whenever I tell someone about a certain incident, the more that they look at me and ask that same predictable question. Which makes me wonder about a lot of things.

And that takes me right back to that "I have had way too much time to think" part.

It is not a good time to be a part of my life.

signs of the time

The leaves are starting to change, but everything is still very green. Just another sign of the times. It has taken an entire season to get ready to deploy.

I walked into the servicemember's lounge where one of the women greeted me with "weren't you just here a month ago?" A little more than that, yes, but I was there earlier this season.

It just feels weird walking away from everything -- again -- only to realize that I'm not coming back this way for a long, long time.

A lot changes in a year, and that's quite a sobering thought.

so distant

I spent the day at the office hanging out with the guys. We were going to skip out on work to fly, but the ceiling (cloud cover) was so low that a day of gliding wasn't really worth it. So it was back to the office we go. Radio broadcast of a big game, with Secretary both cheering and booing to it. Walking around the halls in a lab coat with my jeans pulled up to my knees. Helping random visitors as if I was being paid to do it. Peeling tape and discussing painting techniques for flat walls versus planetarium domes. EngineeringGeek and PhysicsGeek get to go with Bossman to paint a dome. Just like they've already submitted their reservations for the Grand Re-Opening. Already I feel so distant from their world.

Luciana vai pra guerra
Aprender a matar e morrer
Que morra e que viva
Sentindo a saliva fugindo da boca

"Hey Techno, what branch are you in?"
"Army Guard."
"Did you ever think that you would be deployed?"
"Not until I volunteered."
"I didn't know that you volunteered."
"Yeah, I did."

Luciana vai pra guerra
Em tudo que vejo eu atiro
E é o alvo que brilha e se move na mira
O alvo é tudo que respira

"I still really admire you."

Luciana vai pra guerra
Mesmo que a terra nos coma vivos
Mesmo que a coragem de vinte fuzis
Me trouxe medalhas e uma cicatriz

"You just looked so sad."
"I'm just really tired. I was up late last night, the night before I left I was up late packing, and I've had long days all week. It adds up after awhile."
"Alright, but if you get really bored, call me."
"Will do."

Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana!

I cried as soon as I got in the car. So tired of crying. I didn't really want to say goodbye. I really don't want to leave. Why am I leaving? I love that part of my life. I love being in the planetarium, I love hanging around campus, and I love spending time with the guys. When I come back, both Geeks will have graduated or be close to graduation. Just two more things that I'll miss.

Why am I leaving? Why did I volunteer?

Luciana vai pra guerra
Em tudo que vejo eu atiro
E é o alvo que brilha e se move na mira
O alvo é tudo que respira

It's so hard to realize that I have so little time, and so much to do.

It's harder to understand why I want to stay and why I want to go.

It's days like this that I still ask myself if I picked the right plane.

Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?
Luciana, Luciana
Vai pra guerra!?

("Luciana vai pra guerra" - Vento Motivo)

DONE

It's so nice to know that the only thing I have left to do is PACK.

So looking forward to my very own bed.

still alive

I wish I had more inspiring things to write. I'm tired, my body hurts all over, and all I can think about is getting a massage.

Life is good.

exhausted

I feel exhausted. Little sleep and a five mile road march at o'dark thirty will do that to you. Afterwards it was rush rush rush to get to class. And now? Nothing. Rien. Nada.

But, this is good. Because it means that I can go and repeat another segment of training later and be able to go home on leave. And getting out of this place -- even if it's for a few days -- is a good thing. I won't complain. I have plane tickets, it won't take me long to pack, and I know pretty much what I want to do when I get back home. So all is well.

Almost done, almost out of here. Couldn't be happier, no matter how tired I am.

I think I can -- LIVE

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Yeah, I'd write more but my dumb self left my thumbdrive at the office. Sorry.

my own worst enemy

I am truly my own worst enemy.

More later, whenever that may be.

still miss you - written on 25 August 2006

Recently, I recieved an email from Fifi, stating that she arrived safe and sound. An excerpt of my favorite part:

I got up this morning and thought that I was walking on the surface of the sun and then it got hot. [...] The ride here was about 3 hours, [...] But there is nothing like driving down the street in a really big bus and have a truck pass you and a camel in the back looking in your window.

I know that the email seems positive, but you almost have to know her to understand how she conveys her emotions. She doesn't sound so good, but that's kind of to be expected. Her life has been in total upheaval before she even came to reclass school. Fifi had just finished another MOS school before coming to our school, and overall, has spent more time on active duty than at home with her family. Her daughter is pregnant and having complications -- plus the baby is due before Fifi can get R&R leave. SilentType, who she was really looking forward to seeing again, dumped her via email. And on top of all of that, she's been shipped off to a foreign country.

I just hope that she'll be okay.

This time it's not personal
The universe will help you now
To find a place you can breathe
And do what you've got to do
Keep taking it easy

Come on, I'll let you borrow my four leaf clover
Come on, take it with you, you can pass it on
Come on, you know that I'm not the kind to say that it's over
We'll be rubbing shoulders once again in the sun
--"Four Leaf Clover" by Badly Drawn Boy

Dear Fifi, I still miss you.

These boots are killing me! - written on 25 August 2006

Already I have a love-hate relationship with my boots. I love them because I don't have to polish them anymore. I love them because the soles are actually shock-absorbing instead of just hard rubber (or whatever it is that they use). However, I hate them because, afterall, they are combat boots and they need to be broken in. And breaking in boots is never a pretty process.

If I've learned nothing else during my time in the Army, I've definitely found out the hard way that I have narrow heels. My heels don't sit properly in the boot and they rub against the boot with every step I take. And there is absolutely nothing that can be done about sizing that particular part of the foot. As long as the boot fits snugly across the toes and fits well length-wise, the Army will sign off on it. If the boot rubs, oh well. And I've been "oh well'ed" every single time that I've been fitted for boots.

Fortunately, companies have been keen on this issue and there is all sorts of stuff out there. The PX carries heel snugs, moleskin, several different kinds of insoles, and boot socks. A ten dollar pair of socks, some moleskin, and insoles do wonders.

But did I actually do any of this before I put on my brand new pair of boots? No. Do I know better? Yes. Especially now that I have huge blisters on the backs of my heels to the point where I'm limping around. Stupid Techno.

Good thing that I stocked up on moleskin.

Pain - written on 24 August 2006

I don't think I ever updated on the outcome of my ongoing battle with the TMC.

I went in to get my medication and had a flare while standing in line. Not a good sign. So, I signed into sick call purgatory and sat for three hours waiting to be triaged. It was another hour before I saw a provider. (And that's not counting the time I waited to sign in outside or when the provider and I broke for lunch.) This entire time my pain level was anywhere between a 7 and a 9 out of 10, with 10 being the worst. Four hours of waiting while in pain.

When I finally did get into the provider, I broke it all down for her and gave her The Story Of My Shingles And Why It's So Bad Right Now. Which makes her the second or the third medical provider that knew less about this than I do. She scribbled a lot, checked in on the pharmacy and -- surprise, surprise -- the pharmacy doesn't have the medication that they were supposed to have ordered a few weeks prior. The order was just put in that day, after I came in with a complaint.

Fast forward two days. Pharmacy calls Top, who tells me that it's in, so I rush off to the pharmacy to get it. First there was a random Specialist manning the computer, who told me that it wasn't in the system. (Which is always the first answer, for one reason or another.) Then, they pull it out of the shipment, label it, bag it up, and give it to me. I ask if this was all the pharmacy had, only to be told that they will only give me one box at a time. Okay, that's fine, but one box is only a two week supply.

So yes, I got my medication, but it's technically not enough to last me through the rest of mobilization.

The girls are tired of hearing me complain about it, and several have asked why I didn't come to mobilization with this medication. Because it's $200 a box and I can't afford it. At home, aside from the income I get from the Army, I make minimum wage because I am still a student. And that's okay, for now. When I'm at home I don't need them as much as I need them here -- I'm not under the same kinds of stresses. I'm not carrying around a weapon, wearing body armor, nor am I separated from family and friends.

What's really difficult to explain to them is what living with pain day in and day out is like. A few get it, only because they do it too. Other people aren't sure what to say or do. All they hear is the times that I complain. They don't see the nights where I toss and turn, or the agony I feel even when we're relaxing. They see the patches on my leg. To them, that's all it is.

To me, this is life. And sometimes it's more pleasant than others. When I'm stressed out, I have a flare. When I'm hurt, I have a flare. When I'm PMSing, I have flares. When I eat certain foods, I have a flare. Pain management is just that -- managing the pain. This isn't going to go away anytime soon.

I just wish that I had more good days.

Dear Fifi, I miss you.

While we were at the FOB, I got the following text message from Fifi:

Good bye, good luck, miss you, email me soon. I will send pics asap. Love you. This is Fifi signing off.

She left the following morning. It was quite a sobering thought, to think about her getting on a plane and leaving for a war zone. That she was no longer even in the same country as I was. And that I will be following her soon.

Life here is a bit strange. You get into a rhythm of waking up early, doing whatever they tell you to do, and doing whatever it takes to get out of this place. Conversations between people of different units start with "Where are you going?" You learn to look for roadside bombs. I can't tell you how many times I've watched videos of people dying, bombs exploding. I've learned how to detain and search a person. They've told us not to trust anyone, not to have personal discussions or form bonds with third country contractors. People are afraid, and they don't understand -- and no amount of culture classes will help with that. Everyone is looking for the bad guy that may or may not exist, but we have to.

I've heard stories of the contractors learning and greeting soldiers by their first name when they come through for chow. MeuAmor does the same thing when people come through his register at the grocery store. It's good manners to him, making people feel welcome -- what's not to say that these contractors are doing the same? But what's to say that they're not selling information?

When it all comes down to it, we're afraid. We're out of our element, we're dealing with language barriers, we're interjecting ourselves into a culture not like our own. And as much as Mother Army tries to educate us about it, we're really only getting the tip of the iceberg. Mother Army says to treat others -- regardless of nationality -- with dignity and respect, but how can you instill that while teaching soldiers that everyone is a potential enemy?

Je ne comprends rien. Je ne suis qu'une soldate.

Dear Fifi, I miss you.

Mother Army and Home

Mother Army decided that I needed to get my typhoid vaccination, which I technically wasn't due for another few months. Whatever -- it's a free typhoid shot on the Army, no matter how much it sucks. (Dear Right Arm, please stop hurting.) And I won't have to worry about getting one before I go to Brazil again.

We're starting to get into specialized classes, and since I'm not registered in any, I get to sit around the barracks and do a whole lot of nothing. I would do laundry, but I did mine yesterday. I would go to the PX, but I did that yesterday. I want to go to the gym or to the library, but no one wants to go with me. So going out isn't much of an option.

Such is life. I'll probably read, write, and play video games. Like normal. Too bad that there isn't any internet in the barracks.

*****

Now that I know that I have on-site service for my laptop, a whole laundry list of things that need to be done are coming to mind. Poor lappy sometimes does this whirl-click thing, and I'm not sure if it's the fan, the DVD drive or the hard drive. I'm also not too sure if it's done it since I had the motherboard replaced. I need rubber footies. There's a weird random warning message when I boot up, and I don't know if it's just because I'm not plugged into a network. (And I have no way of testing this theory, either.)

I'm really hoping that my hard drive is NOT failing. Yeah, I can back up my data, but I'm not sure if I have backups of some of my favorite programs.

And that whole not having unlimited access to broadband internet or to Fuzz is really putting a cramp in my style.

*****

I called Dragonette this morning, hoping to catch her after her dinner. That's probably the only good thing about having to wake up so early -- I can call Dragonette at a decent hour.

I don't even remember what I wanted anymore. Probably just girltalk.

However, I do find it amusing that no matter what language the "leave a message after the tone" recording is, there's always a tone, and you always know to leave a message.

*****

MeuAmor and I talked last night about me possibly spending the holidays in Brazil after my deployment. He's still upset about some stupid shit that I've said and done, and has remained completely neutral on the subject. No, not neutral. More like apathetic. He said that he didn't want to get worked up about something that may or may not happen.

The problem isn't that I'm going to Brazil after my deployment -- I am. I'm going to go visit Amiga in Curitiba, I'm thinking about going to Rio de Janeiro, and I'm planning on spending quite some time with MeuAmor and his family. I just don't know if it's a really good idea to spend not one, but two years worth of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years away from my family. Not just my parents but my aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. Yeah, there is a time in everyone's life where they grow up and do stuff, but I know that my mom will be fairly resistant to the idea. And I might actually want to be home.

MeuAmor doesn't get it. And that's okay.

still alive -- LIVE

Survived the FOB, I qualified on my M16, and all is mostly well.

Sorry, I had more to say but I'm a little pressed for time.

Ate mais, I promise!

going out to the FOB, for real

Today we leave for the FOB. I want it over as soon as possible.

Seriously, would you like to live with forty-some other stinky people?

Yeah, I thought so.

written on 12 August 2006

Medic: Is Techno eating yogurt?
Techno: Yes I am!
Medic: Ahahaha... Yeast infection!! Yeast infection!!
Techno: From what?
Medic: Yeast!
Techno: Yeah, but from what? All the vigorous sex I'm not having?StuffedShirt: And thank goodness for that!

Silly boys. I just like yogurt. And that was part of my dinner!

*****

Disclaimer: The following is my disgruntled rant specifically about my situation with my chain of command and lack of medical treatment. I cannot attest to how other soldiers are treated at this mobilization station, at other mobilization stations, in theatre or anywhere else. The medication to which I refer to is not very common as it treats very specific conditions (shingles, PHN), is sometimes hard to get, is very expensive ($7 a patch, box of thirty patches, you do the math), and is not carried by all pharmacies -- which I've known and tried to convey to my chain of command. This is me blowing off steam, this is only a rant, I repeat, only a rant.

In the course of a few minutes "I'm running low on patches, I won't have enough for the FOB, and I need to go off post to get them" turns into "Why did you wait until the last minute blablablah, why didn't you go to sick call this morning to get them blablablah, it's a big inconvience to take you off post blablablah"

From my platoon sergeant. Yeah. Way to take care of your troops, Sarge. Way to talk to people, Sarge. What a fuckhead. Dude, you won't even be the one to take me off post -- our UA takes care of that and he's cool with it. Now, if you would even listen to me when I was talking to you, you would understand why I didn't go to sick call and why I have to go off post to get them. If you knew your troops, you would know exactly why it is very important to have a supply of them.

Otherwise you will be taking me to the fucking TMC only for them to tell me that they don't have them for one reason or another and that I have to go off post, where I already have a standing perscription. Go right ahead, waste your time and mine!

Sometimes, I hate the Army sense of logic. This is one of those times.

And despite from all the venting I've done to anyone who will listen, I am still stressed out about it, and as we all know by now: stress = flare.

I'd love to see what would happen out in the FOB if I had a flare and had no patches. Oh yes, I'd love to see what they'd do then. Send me to the TMC to wait in agony for a doctor to tell me something I already knew? Riiiight. Preventive medicine, people!

[/rant]

*****

After the close call yesterday of EnglishProf going to TMC and me sitting out at the FOB wondering whether or not she'll go with us, she's going with us. Her ankle has been healing up well, Hipster has been helping her with her exercises, and she's in better spirits in general. Which is all very good. All signs are pointing to her going with us.

She told me that Hipster was actually doing badly in training because he was so preoccupied with her and her situation. He never says much, but I can tell that he really cares about her.

The boys make fun of him because he's always over here, but none of us care.

*****

I'm still thinking of what to write in reply to my cousin's letter. What am I learning here? How to walk around feeling like some bizarre lab experiment gone wrong -- part turtle, part hamster, part duck? How much I suck at throwing grenades? How to live with other people, with little to no privacy? How to make ranger pudding? How to smile even when my day sucks? How to deal with other people that have no people skills and no consideration for others?

I don't know. I'll find something, I'm sure.

*****

Quero me encontrar, mas não sei onde estou
Vem comigo procurar algum lugar mais calmo
Longe dessa confusão e dessa gente que não se respeita
Tenho quase certeza que eu não sou daqui

I want to find myself, but I don't know where I am
Come with me to find somewhere calmer
Far from this confusion and these people who don't respect each other
I am almost certain that I am not from here
("Meninos e Meninas" - Legião Urbana)

*****

Blondie has been long gone, Sweetheart and the artillary boys are gone, Fifi leaves soon, and I just want out of this place.

The sooner I get out of this place, the sooner I can go to Hong Kong and Japan, the sooner I can go home, and the sooner I can go to Brasil.

I want a hammock, impromptu Portuguese lessons, and a cool glass of guaraná. I want green tea ice cream, a sky full of buildings, girltalk about boys, love, life, everything. I want late nights at the truck stop, pierogi, to chase after little boys.

Validation, please come soon.

yet another quickie

This weekend we move out into the FOB. Don't be alarmed if I don't update for like a month. I have to go do real Army stuff, as much as that kind of sucks.

But at least it makes for cool pictures!

written on 10 August 2006

Hipster is over again, visiting EnglishProf. He's much better at cheering her up than I am. But apparently I'm more convincing to the chow hall staff when we ask for a hot plate to bring back to her. There are just too many steps on this post.

Tomorrow is our first day in the FOB. We're only going for training, but later this week we'll be out in the field full-time for awhile. Don't expect any updates for a long time. I still haven't decided if I'm going to take my laptop -- it's heavy, it needs charged often, and we're not supposed to have a lot of free time. And really, we'll be in field conditions. I'd rather keep all of the gunk out of my laptop. We'll see.

I'm really not sure how I feel about all the time that we're supposed to be out in the FOB. A lot of this training won't apply to what we'll be doing in country, and none of the culture training is geared to what we need. And the living/chow conditions definitely won't apply. Please, just teach me how to do my job. My job does not involve hand grenades -- please show me the paperwork and regulations that I need to familiarize myself with. And pass the lobster, please.

*****

Chica brought her camera and thumbdrive down so I could transfer pictures for her. We discovered some of the reclass school pictures, but what looks like those from Memorial Day and after. Twig and Pablo, the admin girls out at the club, the cookout, and Jazzman's birthday cake.
There are times when I kick myself for complaining about school.

*****

Fifi is getting ready to move out. I thought she was gone already, but I got lucky with my email. Her daughter -- the pregnant one -- is upset with her, saying that she was a bad mom and that she was never there for her and blablablah which, understandably, has made Fifi really upset. I hear it in her voice every time I call. It's been the same tone since we all left school.
I worry about her. I miss her.

*****

There's a concert in the process that we're not allowed to go to or even be seen around. We can't even look at that part of post. Something about not wanting to give a bad impression. Which is good in a way, because we had to be back at the barracks way earlier than normal and stay here for the rest of the night. It could be worse. Another early night for another early morning. If I can sleep through the freakin' bass drum. I may have to close some windows.

There's another this weekend. I mean, I know the base needs money, but having concerts at a training installation where the soldiers themselves are not allowed to go to the concerts and where their sleep is disrupted by the noise is a little annoying.

I think I may be taking pictures and otherwise documenting this stuff, because this place is seriously ate up. Where is all of the money going? Why are there soldiers sleeping in asbestous-filled barracks from World War 2?

*****

My pain management plan hasn't been working out well. I'm eating foods that I know that I shouldn't be eating, I'm wearing my patches during the day (rather than at night), and I am really struggling to keep my stress level down. Probably because I'm not sure if it's physical or mental stress. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

It's still managable, but sometimes I wonder if I'll still be able to keep it all under control.
But at least the Chaplain told me that I'm perfectly normal.

*****

My cousins sent me some mail -- the envelope was covered in stickers from the movie Cars. I officially have my first little kid scribble drawing. Too bad that I don't have a place to hang it up. The eldest wrote, asking if I'm having fun and what am I learning and stuff like that. Now the challange is to think about what I've actually learned (what have I learned, again?) and put it into terms that he can understand. Without using scary words like war or death.

But still! Little kid scribbles!!

hug -- August 8

I don't even know where to start.

Yesterday was another bad day. Is it because everything is finally sinking in? Is it because it's been a year exactly since I've visited MeuAmor and his family? Is it because I'm PMSing and I don't realize it?

I don't know. It could be anything.

The day started off with the slowest PAP smear I've ever had and ended with me moving both my own bedding and EnglishProf's bedding to the downstairs bay while waiting for them to bring EnglishProf back from the hospital. Long day, no matter how you look at it.

My coach pulled me off the firing line. I didn't qualify. Five full magazines were returned to the ammo point. It's a long story that I don't feel like telling, and every time I tell someone it just sounds more and more stupid. But it's not stupid, I'm not the only person that has had that kind of reaction, and I know that.

EnglishProf's story is shorter. She was coming off the firing line after night fire, felt sleepy, and slipped down the wooden stairs -- weapon, helmet, body armor and all. They took her away in an ambulance. She came back on crutches and with an air cast. We set up camp in the lower bay, where there's a handicap-accessible bathroom and showers. It's only the two of us.

Her boyfriend is visiting now, which is hopefully lifting her spirits. I'm trying to sit on my bunk and be invisible. All I can hear is the sound of their voices as they talk to each other. I like him, and I'm happy for her. Especially since he is able to be here with her right now.

I still want that hug.

a lua me chama -- August 4

"A lua me chama, chama..."

I looked up at the stars last night and immediately picked out the Big Dipper, or rather, Ursa Major in the sky between barracks. I was surprised at how big it was, and realized that this was a sign that I had seen it one too many times on the dome at work if I really thought it was a small constellation. My summer night sky constellation finding-skills suck, and I don't have my constellation book with me.

I've also been watching the moon go through it's phases, noting both it's position in the sky and the position of the sun in respect to the moon. I should be logging this stuff somewhere, but I'm trying to figure it out in my head in the meantime. Did you know that the only way that the Earth goes through phases when viewed from the moon was if you were to actually get up and move? Yeah, I thought it was pretty interesting too.

Too bad that the base I'll be on will probably have light pollution problems. Otherwise it'd be an awesome sky to look up at.

*****

Written by MeuAmor roughly a year ago:

Oi amor, estou escrevendo isto aqui pra você para lhe dizer que sinto muito sua falta quando você não está, sinto muito sua falta quando eu tenho aquelas noites em que estamos pensando um no outro e não estamos perto... Você sabe, eu estou pensando muito em você mas isto não tem como ficar melhor, você e tudo de bom que um homem poderia querer, então não se esqueca nunca que eu te amo muito e que eu nunca vou te deixar sozinha, não importa o problema que você tenha!! I love you baby!!!! *smwah*

*****

I don't know. I think I need more sleep.

written on August 4

Road march #2 in the morning. I'm absolutely exhausted, so I stayed home from the library tonight to get ready for the march and go to bed early. I'm all moleskinned, taped, and loaded up for the march tomorrow which is definitely a good sign.

Since I'm on the Profile of Doom I can't march and carry a load of 48 pounds. So instead of wearing all of my gear tomorrow morning, I'm only wearing part of it. The heavist, most constricting part of it: my body armor. Chica said that even if I need to take it off in the middle of the march that I'll at least have started to acclimate myself to it. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can go for three miles with all of that extra weight. No other choice, though. Drive on, soldier, drive on.

Getting ready for a road march is always interesting. And it's so different for everyone. I'm considered a heat casualty and all of my gear is marked with red so that I stand out in a group of soldiers. That was taken care of days ago and I haven't messed with it since. But it does mean that my Camelback is filled with sports drink diluted in water. I also carry a few snacks to eat in a cargo pocket on my person. (We don't eat breakfast until after the march.) And then, my feet. Oh my goodness, my feet. Moleskin and toe seperators galore. I've been taping the moleskin down to make it stay in place. Sometimes I remember foot powder, sometimes I don't. Luckily the boots I'm wearing are already broken in and have civilian insoles in them, so they're a bit more comfortable. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do for my knee in the morning -- maybe some of the miracle green goo. The other leg -- you know, the one affected by shingles and PHN -- already has licodaine patches on it, taped down, naturally. In the morning, I'll put my hair up and then pull on my uniform, boots, and body armor and roll out the door.

And then walk for forever and a half. Nothing to it, really!

It should be fine. Just another BS thing to get through before leaving this place.

quick update

I totally made the First Sergeant's computer my bitch and am in the process of making a database to make everyone's lives much easier. We were inputting soldier data in Excel, but each soldier was saved as a seperate Excel file. Seriously, I was inputting in Excel like a good (dumb) soldier and was just shuddering. It took me about an hour to set up the database without sketching it out beforehand.

Afterwards, the First Sergeant let me know through the wonderful chain of command that he wants me to show him how to use it. So I scored brownie points, majorly.

*****

Sweetheart emailed. He's alright, just super busy. Which I can definitely understand. Just worry when I don't hear from him for days on end and then hear about an attack on his group.

This will be a part of life for awhile.

*****

It's been a year since I've seen MeuAmor and his family. It feels so much more longer than that.
Can I get on the plane to Hong Kong now?

just another number

I called a very confused MeuAmor last night, who was out with friends. I heard all of them in the background chatting animatedly in Portuguese, with his voice floating on top, speaking in English to me. Too bad our barracks is the black hole of cell phone reception -- he didn't understand what I was saying. When he asked me this morning, I had lost the words in Portuguese and was too embarassed to say them in English. I still owe him an explanation.

In the van today, LittleBit asked if I was okay and told me that if I wanted to talk about anything I could. I know that she's trying to help out, I know that she'll keep certain things to herself, but there are some things that she just doesn't need to know. I'd much rather talk to Nerd or EnglishProf or Fifi about them anyways. Not like I really have any pressing issues -- I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm lonely, and I really just want a hug.

I mean, I even thought about walking up to JazzMan or Fratboy today and asking one of them. But I was too worried about being called out on fraternization. So I won't do it and I won't ask.
Look, it was just a bad day.

*****

And, the daily pox update: the big white blister has started to ooze. It's kind of gross looking. We're all walking around the barracks with one sleeve rolled up and our pox exposed to the world. All in the name of trying to air it out.

Yesterday, when we had a drug test at o'dark-thirty in the morning, our acting first sergent was walking around with his exposed telling everyone "I'm airing my pox out" and "don't make me rub my pox on you!" Only at o'dark-thirty, pox doesn't sound like pox at all. I'll let you figure that one out.

That's just as bad me saying "small girl, big cot" in a supply room full of dirty old men.

*****

Another lazy day today. We went to get our first issue for this deployment. A set of DCU gortex wet weather gear, a pair of desert boots, several polypro sets (are we really going to need these in the desert??), and body armor. Which means that I now offically have something with each of the three camo patterns in use by the Army today. Most of my stuff is still the "traditional" woodland green pattern, but we're slowly transitioning away from that. Hopefully our next issue will include our new universal pattern uniforms.

That body armor, though. Wow. Just wow. It's very heavy. There is actually a handle just behind the neck. I'm not sure why it's there -- if it's just to carry the armor or to help move people/bodies around -- but whoever put it there is a freaking genius. All of my other gear will go over the body armor. Talk about heavy.

*****

Days like this are days where I just really feel like a toy soldier. Pull me out of my bunk early in the morning, make sure I eat breakfast, stand me in line to play the hurry up and wait game, have me do my job, and then put me back in my bunk when The Man is too busy. Pull me back out of my bunk when we can all do something productive. Repeat as needed.

When you look around on this post, you see blocks and blocks of barracks. Barracks that all hold bunks that hold soldiers. Like boxes of toys.

It's so easy to feel like just another number here.

eek -- LIVE

Also, no email from Sweetheart saying if he's okay.

So very worried about him right now.

bad day -- LIVE

I'm having a bad day. And not for any real reason, either. I don't have problems at home, I'm getting paid okay, and I have a good support structure both here and at home.

I did have a flare today, my knee hurts from yesterday, no one got much sleep, and I've felt like a little toy soldierette all day. Maybe I just need sleep.

I want to be held, to be touched, to be told that everything is going to be okay and that I'll get through this alright. I want to be told that I'll be safe from both friendly and opposing forces while I'm overseas. I want to stop wondering if I got on the wrong plane.

Today I really wanted to be in Brazil. I thought about calling MeuAmor's house just to talk to his sister, to say "Eu não estou bem hoje e eu não sei por que. Eu quero estar ai, em Brasil, com vocês. Eu quero comer os churros e os chokitos, eu quero beber guaraná. Hoje, eu não quero estar aqui, eu não gosto desse lugar..."

I just need to remember that everyone has their bad days. That this will hit everyone at some point or another, and that we'll all deal with it differently. That this too shall pass.

*****

Today was wasted in the TMC so I could have a doctor look at my knee. I kid you not, I was there from 0830 to 1530 -- most of that spent waiting for my turn. The good point is that my doc is absolutely awesome and remembered me from my last visit. The bad point is that I'm on profile for two weeks, which means no running, no jumping, no ruck marches, no alternate aerobic physical fitness test requirement. And while I feel really bad about that, I know that I did the right thing by going in.

The boys teased me, of course. I'm trying to not let it get to me, but I did have to tell a few of them to shut up and leave me alone. That whole bad day thing kicking in.

*****

This morning, I called Bossman just as PhysicsGeek walked in the door. So I got to talk to both of them, which was very nice. I'm missing them and missing work and missing everything normal right now. Plus, Bossman is just awesome as both a friend and a boss.

I'm crossing all of my fingers and toes that his plane will be fixed by the time I get leave (if I get leave). I'd love to go for a ride, if he'd take me.

I so need a break. Or mail. Take your pick.

oops -- LIVE

"Hey Techno, watch out for that ditch!!"

Yeah.... I got so excited that the Dell guy was here to replace my motherboard that I tripped crossing a ditch that I probably cross twenty times a day, sending my Kelvar helmet rolling across the road and putting me about eye level with a government van that was probably not even 100 meters down the road. Talk about scary.

The good part is that I only scraped up my knee and thumb. Nothing else was broken or torn. Yay me!

The bad part is that I will forever be teased. FOREVER.

On the other hand, when I did battle drills today, I hit the ground so hard that both my helmet and glasses fell off. But at least I didn't hurt myself.

And just in case you were wondering, yes, my laptop is all happy now. We're going to celebrate by playing WarCraft, naturally.

*****

Smallpox bandage got changed and it's a big white blister that I really want to pop. It itches like crazy -- probably just as bad as my shingles itched. And that was not pleasant at all. At least this is only on my arm.

We're supposed to change the bandage everyday, and throw the used bandaids in a biohazard bag. Highly contagious stuff. Kinda gross and scary. And we're all living in close quarters... and the Army is all like "eh, whatever!"

Uhh... Okay then. Good thing the Army is not supposed to make sense.

*****

Some serious shit happened to the artillary boys. I don't know if Sweetheart was affected, he hasn't emailed. Twig mentioned it either this morning or last night, I can't remember. Just hope that each and every one of them is okay.

The news is hard to watch when you know someone that goes in and out of the wire everyday. He says it's his job, to not worry, but, I do.

quick update -- LIVE!

Survived the roadmarch only to have problems in class. Talk about sucktastic. If I wasn't really a heat casualty before this place, I definitely would consider myself one now.

*****

So, open mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. The money the MeuAmor got from selling/trading computer parts went to pay for part of his dad's doctor bills. Which he didn't get a chance to tell me because I just went off on him. Oops.

*****

Fuzz failed his GED. He sounded sad about it on the phone. Another 90 days, another test. He's supposed to be studying math in the meantime. I really want him to get this done and over with before we go to Japan and Hong Kong.

*****

So so tired. Shorty today made a comment along the times of "am I the only one that feels like a baby?" We all told her no, she's not the only one. In one of my classes today, I was so tired and so hot that I just cried. Mercenary and Chief questioned it, but that's all it was -- exhaustion. I fully intend to just go back to the barracks and crash tonight.

Seriously, I took about three or four showers today. And it seems like everywhere we go -- class, the barracks, briefings, chow -- is in a freakin' sweat shack.

*****

They check our smallpox vaccination site tomorrow. I can see a big pox under my band aid. I'm actually curious to see what it looks like underneath. The good news is that I don't have to get jabbed another 15 times. The bad news is that I have to wait for the pox to explode.

*****

Not much of anything exciting going on. And not much time to write. Soon I'll be out in the FOB with really no time to write.

Now, if the Dell tech would hurry up and show up to fix my laptop. Then the world would be okay.

written on 26 July 2006

Everyone is walking around with bandages on their arms that cover our smallpox vaccination site. I feel like a freakin' guiena pig. When all of this shot stuff is done and over with, I'll have had the Hepititis B series twice. But at least I get a free typhoid vaccine on the Army.

*****

More complaining, more bitching, more changes. I'm just rolling with the flow. By now I'm just kind of numb to everything that's going on. Yeah, our conditions aren't the greatest but so what? We're here, and we're getting paid. My only complaint is the lack of communciation between various levels and other all-around personality conflicts, but there's nothing I can do about that. At least my squad leader and my squad are awesome.

My feelings on it all has been that all of this will change in a few hours/days/weeks/months anyways, so why make a fuss about it?

*****

I've been exchanging emails with Sweetheart just about daily since I got here. He's telling me to keep my head up, to "embrace the suck", and to not stop caring about being a good soldier. Which I really do need to hear.

When all of this is said and done with, he will be one of the very few people in my life that really understands what all of this is about.

Part of me still wonders how this deployment will affect my relationship with MeuAmor. There are already so many things that I've choosen not to tell him that I'm really not sure how his reaction to all of that stuff will be.... and his track record of reactions hasn't exactly been the hottest lately. I seriously would not be surprised if this deployment meant the end of the relationship. And days like today, I don't think it would really get to me.

But that's a long, complicated story that should wait until after I've calmed down.

*****

I'm looking at taking my leave either when the cherry trees are blossoming in Japan or for the Chinese New Year in Hong Kong. Fuzz is aiming for the cherry trees blossoming so he can go play all the new video games. I told him not to tell MeuAmor because MeuAmor might just orgasm at the sound of cutting edge technology open to the public.

*****

I just got off the phone with Dragonette, who sounds super excited that we're coming to Hong Kong to see her. Man, I just can't go to Tokyo and not see her while knowing that it's a short flight away!

We were playing phone tag earlier tonight (or this morning, depending on what part of the world you're in!) which always gets a little interesting when you don't speak Cantonese, and you can't understand a thing that is being said on the other end.

I do feel a lot better now that I've talked to her. Gosh, I miss her.

written on 24 July 2006

When I came into the barracks tonight, Shorty was face down on her bunk, clutching an email in her hand. Her face was red, and I really suspect that she was crying. I did ask her if she was okay, and she nodded. A few hours later, she came back from her run and did a few situps. I knew better to ask what was wrong.

Really, it could have been anything.

*****

This stuff is ate-up. Everything. I have never seen so much disorganization. The correct info isn't put out, info is put out when not everyone is present (and it doesn't get passed around), rumors are flying, and policy changes every few hours, which in general it's annoying. Everyone is snap snap snap all the time and all I can think about is if this is going to continue.

So very annoyed.

Can I just skip ahead of all of this?

*****

I am now officially vaccinated against all sorts of nasty bugs. And apparently it was a bad thing to do while I was sick, but I'd rather get this over with now than wait longer. I mean, I'm going to get sick from the shots anyways.

*****

Tired. So very very tired.

I'm really hoping that the doc will give me quarters tomorrow so I can sleep.

written on 23 July 2006

All of this feels like some sort of twisted deja vu. We're in the same block as we were during reclass school, in the same kind of barracks, and on the top floor. I managed to have the same bunk location. LittleBit's area is right next to mine, just like the last time we were up here. And most of the people that were around during reclass are here as well. It's so weird. I keep looking to the corner where Fifi's bunk was, but she's not there. I'm missing her a lot right now.
And no, it still doesn't feel real.

*****

Most of this week will be inprocessing, which means a lot of hurrying up and waiting. Oh joy. But hopefully I'll get a lot of reading done, which would be a good thing.

We're actually supposed to be on an accelerated schedule, as the group that we'll merge with is ahead of us. I'm hearing all sorts of guesses as to what our days are going to be like, how long we'll be here, and other time-related things. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm on the Army's time now and there's not much I can do about that other than go with the flow. We really don't know if we'll have time to go to the computer labs, call home, go to the PX and other personal time stuff. So if I don't update or email, don't freak out. I'm probably just super busy, as things tend to be when you're really not in control of your time.

*****

I just wish that they would turn on the AC in the barracks. It's nasty and icky up there with ten bodies moving around. And not all of us can open our windows since we're missing screens. My window included.

I shouldn't complain too much -- the barracks that we were supposed to be in were much much worse. Brown water coming out of the faucets, no tile on the floor, windows were covered in plastic, and the toilets were not in stalls and were so cramped together that your knees would be able to touch the knees of the person across from you. Oh yes, and we can't forget about the asbestous. Yeah... we have very good people taking care of us that made sure that we had decent living conditions.

We're trying the make the best out of living in an open bay for the next few weeks. We'll still get on each other's nerves, and I'm sure that I'll be writing all about it.

*****

One of the females (who didn't go to reclass) brought a DVD player but no DVDs. She flipped through mine and picked out "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" -- one of my French movies. I'm really hoping that she's not thinking that it's a love story, because it's so not. But I still thought that it was cool that she went ahead and flipped through my discs even after I told her that they were foreign. No one at reclass really showed much interest.

*****

Anyways, stuff to do. Late nights and early mornings make for a long week.

written on 28 July 2006

"Here we go again, marching down the avenue..."

It's starting to feel more real. I'm actually readjusting to this better and faster than what I thought I would. As I told Dragonette the other night on the phone, it feels like I've spent my entire summer up here -- even though I've had a month off of Army stuff.

These days are spent in class for common soldier tasks and finishing up medical inprocessing. I get to teach a class on 9-line MEDEVAC request, which should be short and sweet. This is going to sound strange, but I actually struggle with Army training. Everything is dumbed down to the point of stating the obvious. And I often skip over those steps or forget them. The worst is at the end of a task, when I am asked to state the last step. It's almost always either continue on with what you were doing or wait for further instructions. Well, duh. The sad thing is that some of these obvious things aren't quite-so-obvious for other people.

*****

I'm really starting to like my squad. There's really only one person that I'm having a hard time approaching and talking to, and that's partly because he's never around and partly because he's just so quiet. FratBoy is in my squad, which is always interesting, but in the good way. Chica is our squadleader, which is just awesome. She looks and sounds intimating at first but is so laid back about everything. Mercenary is the assistant, and he has just such a colorful background that it's just very interesting to talk to him and get his insight on things.

The bad thing is that once we get over in country, they're going to split all of us up. And I'm afraid that I'll be stuck with a few certain people that I really don't want to be around.

*****

LittleBit is driving me crazy. She's complaining about everything and anything. Very very negative. And if she's not going on about that, she's going on about her current boytoy. Annoying. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and yell at her "Hey, you idiot! You volunteered for this! We're here to train!"

What I could once take in small doses, I can't take at all.

And it's the not fraternization thing that bothers me -- there is a couple in the unit, but they're very discreet. It's just the fact that she's so loud about everything. Loud and painfully obvious about her technically rule-breaking relationship, loud about her complaints, loud about her problems, loud about her gossip and rumors, loud about the things she doesn't like. I don't think the woman is capable of keeping her mouth shut for a day.

I have noticed that she is not really talking to me, which is potentially a good sign. Let's cross our fingers, shall we? I really don't want to be her battle.

*****

Sweetheart's emails have been very encouraging and uplifting. He's getting word through the grapevine about stuff I haven't even told him about, so I know that the guys on that end are talking as much as we are. Plus he just went through all of this junk, so he understands completely what this is like. If it weren't for him and his very encouraging emails, I'm sure that I would be in more of a depressed funk right now.

*****

Got into another fight with MeuAmor. His money management skills are so horrible that he budgets his money to pay his bills without saving anything or keeping any kind of emergency buffer. Which is fine, until there's an emergency. And as soon as one major item is paid off, he goes and buys another one. So when there's an emergency, he's stuck trading or selling his possesions to pay for the bill.

It's happened on more than one occassion. I've lost count of the number of computers that have been sold to pay for one bill or another. He sold a PS2 that I brought for him, so he could pay a bill. He technically still owes me the money for that, but I'm just going to write it off as a loss.

But, it happened recently. Someone stole his credit card number and used it at the same grocery store chain that he works in, but in a different town. And since they wanted him to prove that he's never been in that town (impossible to do), the credit card company wants him to pay the bill. Only he has no money to pay the bill. So he sold or traded (or something like that) computer parts to take care of it.

The bottom line is that I'm tired of it. I don't care if you're broke -- I'll give the shirt off my back for just about anyone. I do care how you manage what resources -- money included -- that you have. And I'm sorry, but if I'm going to enter a partnership with someone, I want to be absolutely positively sure that they're not just going to spend all my money, ruin my credit, and destroy everything I've worked hard for.

And I really don't feel comfortable becoming engaged to or marrying MeuAmor if this is a serious problem. Because for immigration it's my name, my credit, my future on the line. I'm not established to the point where I could absorb that kind of fallback.

It's not that I don't love him -- I do -- but a partnership, a marriage is much more than love.

On the phone he told me to be sure that I wouldn't regret anything later. Given the options as I see them right now, I'll take the lesser of the two evils. He's getting some time to get his act together, but if it happens again -- I'm gone. And I mean it.

Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

*****

Also, when wearing my battle rattle, I feel like a turtle.

Just thought I would add that in there.

Quando voce vem? / Onde esta meu amor?

I'm missing MeuAmor today. I talked to him and Mãe on the phone today and yesterday, during my breaks between briefings and other assorted pre-mobilization things. It's good to hear their voices, even if I know that I'm not going to see them for a long time.

Mãe: Quando você vem?
Techno: Não sei.
Mãe: Não sabe?
Techno: Não, não. Eu quero, mas...
Mãe: Mas você não pode.
Techno: Sim.

"Quando você vem?" I hate that question. Not because Mãe is being nosy. (She's not.) But because everytime she asks it, I really do wonder when I'm going to see them. I really don't know when I'll be back on a plane to Brazil. And it sucks, because while I've gotten a chance to spend time with my family here in the States, I haven't had a chance to spend time with them. It's already been nearly a year since I've seen them last.

I miss MeuAmor. And his entire family.

*****

Ela passou do meu lado
Oi, amor - eu lhe falei
Você está tão sozinha
Ela então sorriu pra mim
Foi assim que a conheci
Naquele dia junto ao mar
As ondas vinham beijar a praia
O sol brilhava de tanta emoção
Um rosto lindo como o verão
E um beijo aconteceu

Nos encontramos à noite
Passeamos por aí
E num lugar escondido
Outro beijo lhe pedi
Lua de prata no céu
O brilho das estrelas no chão
Tenho certeza que não sonhava
A noite linda continuava
E a voz tão doce que me falava
O mundo pertence a nós

E hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Não sei onde ela está
Hoje a noite não tem luar
E eu estou sem ela
Já não sei onde procurar
Onde está meu amor?

--"Hoje a Noite Não Tem Luar" - Legião Urbana

*****

It's just really hard to see other soldiers with their spouses, significant others, siblings, parents, and other assorted family members without thinking about those that I haven't seen for quite some time, that I'm not going to see for awhile, that don't live anywhere nearby, and on top of everything else, that I have a hard time communicating with due to language barriers.

I keep telling myself that I'll see them soon. And all I can do is cross my all my fingers and toes and hope that it'll be true.

overly optimistic?

Ever look at the world and wonder just what the fuck is wrong with everything?

Why are we fighting? Why are we dying? Why are we bombing each other? Why are we capturing each other? Why are we launching missiles? Why why why?

Just who is "the bad guy"? Who isn't playing fair? Who really has the right to say that they've taken the moral high road?

Why are we such xenophobes? Why can't we reach out and help each other? Why can't we come together and put differences aside?

Why are we so apathetic about it?

Or am I just overly optimistic?

one day

Little boys, water slides, light reflected off of the water.

They don't understand. They can't understand.

And I'm not even going to bother explaining it to them.

One day they'll get it.

so strange

So strange, to be in the front of a room for a deployment ceremony rather than being in the back playing music to be ignored by.

Still doesn't feel real.

me? leaving? psssh...

So, tomorrow I leave again for the Big City, but this time I'll be with my unit pretty much from then until I get back from deployment. With the exception of a few leaves, of course.

I haven't done anything to get ready to leave. My room is a mess, I'm not packed, and I definitely don't have a uniform ready for formation.

It just doesn't seem real. I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen, and I don't think I can believe it. It's a bit of a difficult thing to grasp -- going away for such a long time and knowing that I'm not going home until it's all said and done with.

It'll be okay. In the meantime, I really need to get packing.

it's just life

I stayed an extra day in the Big City, mainly just to spend time with Aunt and my cousins. Now We're (the royal, familial We) is thinking of crashing at Aunt's house again next week. Aunt, Uncle, the four boys, Mom, Dad, Fuzz, Gram, and myself.

Really, I'd rather them not come. I want to just leave. I'm not even leaving for real. Just, training.

I'm seriously considering not coming home for leave. I can't deal with this. They're making a big deal out of everything, and people are going to cry, and I just don't want to deal with it.

I'm tired of dealing with MeuAmor's quiet sadness, the parties, the fuss, the questions. Tired of it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to leave in peace and no one is letting me have that.

I'm not a hero, and this is not hero-worthy material, and this is nothing to be proud about.

This is life.